"happy" Thanksgiving

I've lived on a couch for over a year, literally using a duffle bag for my clothes for the past two or three years. I haven't had my own place since 2010, and haven't slept on a bed since I moved from Pearl Harbor. My sister calls me damaged goods, and thinks I'm incapable of taking care of myself, and I haven't really done much to prove her wrong the past few years.

How did my life spiral so far out of my control? I'm not even leaving Hawaii because I want to, but because I have to. The only thing I've managed to build here are my friendships with other people. Even then I don't really feel like I'm that important to them. I'm easily forgettable. A mere ghost that flickers in and out of lives, becoming merely a series of memories that fade with time.

I have to change this life pattern, but I don't know the first step to doing so. I want a career, not a series of dead end jobs. I'm tired of people asking me where I work and feeling that sense of shame and failure in my life.

I've thought very seriously about ending it. How I would do it and where. Just climb a hill and cast myself off a very high cliff. Give myself that sensation of skydiving before it ends. I've even stood on the edge and seriously considered jumping off. But that's the coward's way out. Although it does take a lot of conviction and dedication to do it. Maybe I'm just not that motivated. At the end of the day I keep holding on because I do want to live.

I just don't know what I'm going to do with this life. Why is it that every year around this time I always feel so isolated and lonely? Always outside the circle looking in. I never feel like I belong anywhere.

Lone Wolf

I don't seem to be able to find a home, just a place to haunt for a while. I shouldn't have even bothered with my altar. I should have just sent all my stuff back to the mainland last year, instead of trying to keep some of it. Now its a burden I'm not sure what to do with it.

Five years ago to the day I came to this same realization. That I was going to lose my home. The pain doesn't lesson no matter how many times you experience it, and I'm once again going down in flames, facing those same demons and wondering where the future leads. Where do I belong?

People find their niches. I still haven't found mine. Maybe I wasn't made to fit in anywhere.

Despite everything, I enjoyed the time I spent with them. I've enjoyed our conversations. I did the best I could here. At least I can say that much. 

I'm a strong person. I will get through this and move on to something else. No matter what comes, I seem to have the strength and the will to overcome it. The lone wolf is about to strike out on her own once again.

secret confession

My biggest secret is that I do want a kid of my own. I just held out for the right guy becuase I never wanted to be a single parent. Now i have no chance of being a natural parent again due to this surgery. Thats what bothers me the most.

Always thought I would eventually meet someone and settle down. Now I wonder if that chance hasn't passed me by years ago. Such a long and lonely road to tread. Wish there was someone I could talk to about this.

I want my health to go back to normal. Or is this the new normal for me now? I gotta figure out a way to push past this constant fatigue and go back to working out. I miss it.

not so new. . .

Its bad enough that I get dizzy enough to lose my balance in front of my roommate in the gym, or even just doing normal everyday activities half the time. But if I pass out while we're working out together, its going to be game over.

Please let this just be an issue of too long with too little iron. Not sure I could handle a new problem creeping up on me at this juncture. Workouts are supposed to make you ache and feel terrible, but you're not supposed to be passing out from them.

descions.

I find it odd that the main reason I don't want to have this surgery is it removes all doubt over my ability to have kids myself. Despite the fact I've said many times that I don't any kids and even gone to great lenghts to prevent pregnancy, the fact that the surgery removes the choice completely bothers me.

Its not even an issue of what kind of pain or complications the surgery might cause. I'm worried about something I supposedly don't even want. Can't ignore this issue anymore either. It weights too heavily on my mind. Besides, ignoring it was what put into motion the hemmorage back in Januray. Not too eager for a repeat experience of that.

I really wish the first two surgeries had fixed the issue. Then I wouldn't be facing this again. I don't want a surgerical cut into my abdomen. Don't really care how small the incisions are. I also don't want a full hysterectomy. I'm so used to pain that it doesn't generally bother me, except the times that its so overwhelming I can no longer ignore or push it away. Its a part of my life, although I recognize its not supposed to be, and it does hinder me at times.

Even then, the doctor can't guarentee that the surgery will take care of the issues with pain, even if he does manage to fully remove the fibroid with this surgery. Then again, doctors refuse to guarentee anything.

There's really nothing to be done about it though. Except go in, have the surgery, and deal with my regrets later on down the road, when they come crashing in over my head.

health

I wish I didn't feel so weak and exhausted all the time. Workouts are getting more challenging to get through. I feel like I'm losing strenght instead of gaining it.  Yes, I can lift more now, but I fight to stay conscious to get through the workouts half the time. I get dizzy so easily anymore.

I don't have the energy that I used to, and staying awake all day is becoming a struggle. It bothers me that I can't focus as well anymore.

I don't want to disappoint them. I don't like them seeing me so weak and in so much pain like this. They go out of their way for me more then I care to admit.

Woodworking

I like working with wood. Turns out it has a soothing effect on me. Found a large tree branch from a Hawaiian nut bearing tree and was going to make runes from it, but after whittling away the bark and revealing the beautiful blue patterns under it, I now can't bring myself to cut it up for runes.

Friend asked if I was making a wand and I told him the thought had crossed my mind, then confessed I almost didn't want to cut it up at all. Apperently he had the same idea. For some reason I get the sensation my mini staff reminded him of a friend of his.

This rune project of mine may well have turned into a mini staff project instead. Maybe I'll find a stone to put on it and carve runes into it instead, and find another piece of wood to create runes from. Maybe a smaller piece from the same tree will serve better. This one seems to have given me other plans.

I kinda want to get my hands on some rainbow Ecualptus tree branch, as well as some more of the Kukui nut tree. Making runes and wands out of the branches and even staffs is another excellent avenue to explore. Esp since it really didn't take me too long to do and its something I enjoy. Almost a way to mediate. I do however, need to learn to sharpen my knife if I start this up. Branches are free to pick up.

No one wants a tour through this tortured mind. . .

Lets see. Had I stayed in IL, it occurs to me that I would not have gotten any further treatment for my condition other then the initial hopsital visit, which I even argued with my mother about going to that night.

I'd have probably died there. One night or day just started hemoraging agian, and this time with no one there to help, frightened and alone. I knew I was in trouble for over an hour that night and I never called to my mother. Never texted anyone, and never made any phone calls. I was paralysed from doing so, even though I pulled out my phone several times with full intentions of doing so. I just couldn't.
I just realized that tonight. I ignored my rapidly failing health for months before I hemmoraged, and i knew there was a problem for years before that. Ignored the ever increasing pain on my left side except when it demanded my full and outright attention to the point I had to stop myself from crying out from it.

The truth is that I don't want to live out my life alone. I don't mind so much dying alone, or of blood loss or whatever tramatic event occurs that ends my life. I know I"m going to die. I don't fear that thought.

I don't want to die as wasted potential. I always thought by this point in my life I'd have someone. Perhaps not marraige, but a steady and stable relationship. Sad that the closest thing I have to that is a 15 year friendship with a gay man who's married to his partner. Hell I even thought I'd have a kid by this stage, even though I usually took great pains to avoid that.

There was once one whome I would consider having children with. Even if I wanted them, that option was stolen at a young age. Hell, I played with fate for over a year to see if I would be able to get pregnant, and It never happened. Sometimes, much as I'd rather not admit it, the idea that I could be barren from my earlier abuse pains me. More then I care to admit to anyone. Its so much easier to act as though I don't care. But to have the option not even be availalbe to me bothers me.

But no use bemoaning what can't be. Its better just to close the idea of that off from my mind. I can barely take care of myself anyway at this point. Bringing a child into it would only make things harder, and be unfair both to myself, the child, and everyone else around me.

Rock Bottom

 Rock bottom is a place no one really wants to be at. At the time it sucks and you're sitting there gazing around you as you realize that this is it, rock bottom. You feel worthless,  everything is hopeless. Its a terrible position to be in when it occures.

 Being at rock bottom literally makes you reach deep inside yourself and find out what strenght and fortitude you truely possess, and then have to use it. But on the same token, no matter where you go from there in life, its a better situation then what you were previously in, and it makes you appreicate it more when you rise above that point and actually start doing better.

Being at rock bottom gives you no where to go but up. There is no other direction to go. You either improve or at this point you wind up dead, by your own hand or another's, depending on the circumstances.

I've hit so many rocks in my life. Literally and figuritively, and more then once in my life. Its never been due to drugs or alcohol though. Usually just a series of bad luck, and I wind up having to move on, relocate, and usually losing my job or my home. I've been homless twice in my life, literally pitching a tent for shelter and using a fire for warmth and food. Its actually not so bad, but I prefer the comfort of a home.

My life feels like a series of failures. But those expeirences, those failures are what forged me into the person that I am today. No matter how hard you crash and burn, its the ability to raise from the ashes and fly again that matters. dont give up.

Everything's fine. . .

I keep hearing the question everyday anymore. "Are you alright?" "Are you good?" So much concern in thier eyes when they ask. So much worry.

I don't even know how to respond. Becuase no, I'm not good. Not by a long shot. However, I can't explain what's bothering me, why my mood is so jacked lately. I can't bring myself to get excited about role playing, the fire ceromony I asked for, or even the water healing ceromony that's coming up this weekend.

This is one of those days when I don't have the strenght to pretend I'm ok. Becuase I'm not, and I'm so exhausted of faking it. Exhausted in so many ways. I told my friend ealier this week I was good and he playfully called me a liar. He just has no clue how right he actually was.

I'm tired of lying, so now just tell them nothing, or that I don't want to talk about it. Living with empaths means that they know somethings wrong, even if they don't push me to talk to them about it. I just don't know what to say, except to ask for a hug. Yet I hesitate to even ask that much.

I suffer a prison of my own mind, poisioned by depression and pain. I can't muster up the energy to break these chains right now. I need to rest and recover.

Workouts are rough.

How is it that a series of such simple movements done in the course of an hour create so much pain and soreness? My muscles are still aching. Its not like I've slacked off while he's been gone with the workouts either! If anything, he'd probably be upset if he knew how much I used the barbell without him there to spot me. I do need him to spot me on that combo exersie though. I nearly dropped it on that last set, and that would have been a bad day. I gotta be more careful about it. Breaking a rib or my colarbone due to stupidity would set me back way further then just using the lower weights will while he's gone. Esp with these new intense workouts, I really can't go up in weight right now like I wanted.

 Hell, maybe it was the extra twenty pounds on the barbell that is messing with me more then the workout itself. That was a dumb move on my part. I should have known better, since 60 pounds gives me problems on the bicep curl. Its gonna take time to build strenght.  I just need to stop getting impatient with it.

I like the new workouts though. They are kinda rough while we do them, but at least I know these ones are working. I'm kinda glad he brought these home with him and is willing to share them with me.

I kinda love it. I am actually starting to feel and see a difference in my biceps and waist. Slowly but surely I'm slimming down. I kinda wish the results where faster. I've been seriously thinking about trying it, or at least some sort of calisthenics workout in the morning. No idea what exactly I'd do at this point though. I guess the first step to that would be to actually wake up in the morning though, and to go to sleep at night. Sometimes I feel kinda guilty about sleeping so late that he comes home and offers me coffee to wake me up.

I gotta figure out what the hell's wrong though. I can't keep walking around feeling like a zombie due to this inability to eat normal amounts of food. I don't get it. I feel hungry, all the time anymore. I can't eat. I eat food and I feel repulsed or sickly. Yet I constantly feel light headed, exhausted, and even hungry from not eating. Coffee, water, and the protien shakes are the ONLY things that don't affect me like that, and beef for some strange reason. I ate the steak no problem. I ate the beef the other day, no issue. If I had the money, I'd just buy a good quality meal replacement shake until whatever this is goes away so I don't wind up starving all day. Only reason I finished the pizza today was I was so hungry I just didn't care if I got sick on it.

Whatever it is, I gotta fix it. I can't keep doing this. Its not healthy. I wanted to work on portion control, not go overboard with it! 3 to 5 bites per meal is not enough food. Even I know that much. I don't know.  I know it was the salty taste of the meat in the turkey meatloaf that set me off today. I need to start keeping track of what I'm eating and see if there's a correlation to what's in the food and how I'm feeling. Maybe something specific is setting off my inability to eat properly.

Doubt. . .

Tonight I feel. . well I don't even know how I feel.

Its odd. Sitting here looking at my friends list, both on FB and my phone, thinking of my friends from high school and beyond. All the ones back There. Can't even call it home, as I never felt like I belonged back in IL, not even really in Portage either. Even when I was living in my own place.

Now I feel as though I don't have anything else to say to the majority of those people I used to be friends with. 16 years of friendship. So much torn into pieces. I've drifted so far apart.

I have been mulling some things over in my head. Some things don't make sense, and there's no one I can talk to.

I worry sometimes. About the future.

Wandering thoughts.

Thoughts are roaming my head in waves again, in the mist of tracing my family. .

My roommate offered me his car while he was gone, but I feel terrible about using it, and so haven't. I like to fill the gas tank when I take someon else's car, and I really can't afford to do that, so I hesitate to even drive it right now. I know he doesn't expect it to have any gas when he gets home, but using it without the ability to take care of it and do something as simple as fill the tank for him makes me feel terrible.

Maybe I should use it though, and go on a job search while he's away. And then what happens when he gets back though? I need a job around here that I can walk to work, or at least take a short bus trip to, but that really limits where I can look for a job around here.

This is starting to depress me again. I hate being out of work so long. It makes me feel like a loser.  I need to work. I don't feel complete if I don't have a job to complain about and go to. Hell I just want to get paid so I don't feel like I'm free loading.

I need to start putting in honest effort at making an income again. I'd like to start paying my bills again, and be able to contribute again. Helping with cleaning and watching kids only goes so far for so long.

Last thing I want to do is lose my roommates' respect.

Random late night thoughts

Sometimes he hits a little too close to home when he speaks. I do sell myself short, and I don't talk about my craft and what I do to others. There are even some things that I don't talk to him about, although he knows far more then most people.

Where did this lack of confidence in myself come from anyway? I used to not worry about things. I used to just go out and do stuff, not care about what other thought. Now I worry I'll let people down by taking over circle.

I know my stuff. I know what I'm talking about, but I hate being the center of attention. Even just talking I find myself floudering if I notice people are actually paying attention to what I'm saying, esp if I have everyone's attention. I always dealt with it in high school by just talking off the cuff, and about the most random stuff. Not sure that's going to fly at circle. Guess I'll find out next week.

 I need to start generating an income agian or things are going to get very bad, very quickly. Doing tarrot. Seems everyone is wanting me to do it. Wish I knew my cards better, but hey the best way to learn is to do.

Dark reflections

Pain and passion, fire and ice.

Do they see me for who I really am? This tired, weary soul that travels along life's way. Full of pain and doubt, hidden behind the smile.

My time seems spent, and my energy is gone. Pain swells through my body with every breath. Sometimes I wonder if I was meant to return from the bifrost, to this consciousness. Life is a gift, but often bittersweet. Perhaps I live on stolen time now.


Love, passion, commitment. Stablility and security. These things elude me, felt for such a short time before it shatters all around me, leaving me wounded and alone more often then not. How often I've stared into the mirror wondering if I had the strenght to continue along this road, gazing out of windows in deep dispair, regretting the choices that had brought me there.

My heart aches for what its been denied. The future stretches before me, black and empty. No plans, no hopes, and no dreams. The only concrete thing that stays with me through the years is this constant companion of pain and depression.

Late night musings.

Am I a failure? Did I somehow miss something about life that other people where able to pick up on? I don't have a job, can't ever seem to find one easily. Others can look and find jobs immediately. I struggle.

It hurts to admit that I can't find a job, and when I can find an interview, I always manage to mess it up somehow. Its my own fault. Health problems aside. . . How do you forget about a job interview and certification class? Am I somehow sabatoging myself? I wish I'd been able to do the class the first day I went.

Getting to any kind of job is going to be difficult unless I can work around their schedules, or find a way to afford my own vehicle somehow. Its so frustrating. I feel like a failure the longer time elaspes before I find employment.

I need a bit of a change. Working for our company is great and has provided a huge boost in my confidence, but I still need to be able to pay the bills.

Pain and blood.

This isn't good. This surgery is way different then the last one. Even coming out of the last one i was numb for two days. This time, not only did I become aware during it, but now its a week later and I still feel it as badly as I did the day of the surgery. Pain just keeps flashing and I can't even hide or cover it up this time. And what the fuck is this allergic reactions?

I've never been covered in those kind of welts before. My skin felt like it was on fire, while at the same time I had the worst chills of my life. I don't fully know what actually cuased it, but I'd very much like for it not to happen again.

What is wrong with me? The surgery didn't help. It feels more like it aggarvated everything. I feel like my body is working against me. Is this a hex or am I just sicker then we realized. . . or is it both? I can't stop shaking and my bleeding is getting worse after a week, not lessening and stopping. Bad thing is I can't tell if its a regular menstral cycle or a problem, and would it be doing this if I'd refrained from working out last night?

My  shields have been gone. I've been too weak to notice until lately. I need to reapair, both my shattered body and my shields. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'm just growing impatient with the recovery process. I hate having them see me like this, and knowing that I'm suffering and so weak. I should be out having a job by now, but I can barely handle staying alert enough to do the candle making at this point. My mind is just gone, I keep drifting in and out and paying attention to everything around me is difficult.

I want to work out again, I want to get a job and be able to keep it. I want to not feel like someone is tearing my insides apart with razor blades every time I wear jeans or put on a seat belt or even move the wrong way.

This is just my new normal for a while. I wonder if I'll be able to hold it together long enough to work out in the gym tonight? Should I dare try?

New year musings

I wish I could stay awake and find a job. Wish I was strong enough to look for one. Even just walking Duke leaves me utterly exhausted. I don't even look forward to the walks anymore to be honest. I know this is just a set back, but I'm starting to regret rejecting a blood transfusion when the doctor said I should get one.

I hate that this surgery is coming up. NO sense getting a job until after I recover from that. Most employers won't hire someone who is knowingly going to need time off the bat, but I need the income. Too many bills are coming up that need paid quickly, and I have no income or savings to cover them. I need the ability to stay awake long enough to work a shift though first.

Its funny. I live in a home where I sleep on the couch, with no space of my own, no real privacy except at night, and a duffle bag to hold my clothes with 98% of my stuff in stoarge, yet I feel the most welcome here then with any other roommate I've stayed with since coming to Hawaii.

I don't have to worry about Duke's safetly anymore. There's no one throwing dishes and breaking them in fits of anger. No one punching or kicking holes in the walls. No one berating me all the time and making me feel worthless. No judgements, or trash talking behind my back. And no worrying about getting punched, kicked or hit over stupid arguments anymore.

Now if only I could find a job and start helping them pay for groceries like I'm suppoed to, I'd be happy. I need to do more to help out. Sleeping most of the day does not contribute.

Imbolic

Blessed Imbolic. I'm letting this one slide by without anything done at my altar. Not a normal thing for me. Even as I look at it I have no desire to approach it, no desire to do a ritual, or celebrate the Sabbot, or even build a fire as I originally planned.

I need to take it down, cleanse it, and set it back up and recharge it. Maybe change the layout. That just sounds so exhausting to do. So it sits, cluttered at the bottom and feeling off to me. Too much stuff under it. Make me feel better to just clean that area back up. All I've managed is to rearrange the shelf of books so I can see the collection.

Extreme fatigue. I've learned the true meaning of that phase this month. No matter. At least now I have a doctor who seems to care, and is working to fix these problems.

I'm so freaking tired of Mike telling me to lower my standards and acting like finding a fucking job is a cake walk. IF It was I"D HAVE ONE! Newsflash, assholes, I WANT TO WORK! Why the hell can't I walk into an establishment and say hire me, and have someone say ok?

Why am I so deficient in making people like me on a first impression? What is wrong with me? I can go to interviews and job fairs all day long and still come home empty handed, even when I feel confident with how the interveiw went! Its so frustrating. 

Right now, I'm so sick I can't even attempt to look for a job and I have him badgering me about it. Lower your standards, find something quick, they'll pay for your degree! Fuck. Like I need to hear this shit right now. Fuck him. I have a degree. I want a job, and have been looking everywhere. Where the hell are these magical positions he seems to know so much about? Its all about who you know and I'm too shy around people to get them to open up around me like Nelson does everywhere he goes. Its a rare day when I can just walk up to someone and talk to them like we're old friends. I wish I could do that all the time!

Argh, Broke up with the asshole and he still can piss me off and make me feel worthless at the same time with one comment. I should seriously stop taking his calls. I am so done with this crap. I grasp at straws filling out applications online and hoping someone calls back. Just once, I want one lucky break to work in my favor and give me a good paying position.

Hypocalcemia and anemia. . .

I feel weaker as the days pass, not stronger. Been having siezures and muscle spams badly. This Saturday was hell. Today is too. I feel so weak and tired, dizzy since walking Duke. Even eating food she gives me doesn't make me feel better.

I'm scared and there's no one to talk to. She keeps to herself and i hate being a burden to her. I've never been this sick for this long, never felt this weak and tired. I don't know what to do anymore. I know what's wrong now but that's little comfort.

I don't know how much time I have in this world. I do know how I'm going to die, just not when. I feel like such a burden on people here, and I hated collasping in frotn of everyone at circle. I hate hositals but been there twice in one month. At least they actually looked for a problem this time around. CAT scans are difficult when you can't stop shaking. I nearly fell asleep in the machine.

I get why they called 911. Wasn't out of spite but concern.  I hate feeling so weak and tired all the time. The clearer my head gets, the more frustated I feel.

Been so exhasuted. Can't stay awake and need to look for a job. Want to workout but don't have the strenght. I don't have the time to deal with this illness. The truth is I haven't been feeling bad for months. Just never said much. Its why I got the doc appointment. I wanted them to look at the fibroids in my uterus and make sure they wheren't cuasing health problems. Now I'm beginning to wonder.

Unspoken words.

I hate feeling judged, and hate having my personal life being talked about like a damn soap opera. Small town drama. Small town so everyone knows every damn thing about you before you even do, and then make up the rest and pass it off as truth, no matter how much they hurt the person they are talking about.

It seems my friends back in IL have a rather low opinion of me. "when you fail we want you to be close so we can help you." Why do I often feel stabbed in the back with thier choice of words? And yet I'm a drama queen when I call them out on it. 

Why am I rambling about this? I don't know. I'm upset and have very few people to talk to. Fewer friends as the years pass who I can confide in without feeling judged. Its really hard for me to trust people with anything true and honest about myself, and I feel its been betrayed by these rumors they spread.

None of them wanted me to get on the flight to Hawaii, and I even agree I wasn't strong enough to take the stress of the flight, but I didn't want to wait until I felt better to get back. I wanted nothing more then to be in Hawaii. I got off the first plane in Seattle, and nearly broke down at the thought of having to get on another flight to get to Hawaii. I was so stressed, sick and in pain. Grabbing some food helped calm me down and stablize myself, but that second flight was sheer tourture. I didn't think it would ever end, but it finally did. I was home. . .

The amazing thing is that I can actually call this place home. For the first time in years of my life. I feel at home somewhere I am living, and its not even my house. That's just how welcoming and accepting they are of me here. And the friends back home wonder why I jumped at the chance to stay here in Hawaii instead of being back there.

Mortality

I nearly died this week. I am not suicidal, but I've had to come to terms with my own mortality. I remember in the car driving to the hospital I asked Thor for strenght to get through it. I guess he heard me as I'm still here. I had to come to terms with how fragil life is. How easily it can end, and how quickly.

It would have been easy to stay there where I was. Drifting quietly through space and time. I almost wanted to, if truth be told. There was so much pain in that silver thread connecting me back to this realm. So much anguish crippling depression, and severe pain and terror. Death would have been easy.

Living. That's what's hard.
That's where pain resides. And fear terror. Hate and anger. But its true what Nelson said too. This realm is a gift. There is beauty here too. Love, and friendships. People to care about and talk to. Good conversations, laughter and coffee. Such simple things in life are the gifts taken for granted. It's a gift we have for a short time. We are not immortal. We won't be here forever. The one thing you can't cheat or run from is death. He will collect his due on his timetable. Not ours. I didn't get lucky, I didn't cheat death. I simply wasn't on his books yet. Maybe my time grows short, maybe there are still decades left within me. One simply doesn't know for sure.

Ah. . I feel so off today. So out of it. Everything is bothering me, from the music I playing, to the sounds of a kid coloring to the silence in the house if i turn off the music. I can't even stand the energy contined in my own altar and keep having the temptation to completely empty it. Earsing. . .

My vibration is so off today. My mind feels fractured, out of sync. And another is reading mine too well. Don't know how I feel about that.

I don't think i fully came back from that realm. not this time. Soemthing stayed behind and i keep drifting off trying to find it. I need to come back, snap out of this. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I want to stop taking that medications. I don't like the way they make me feel together.

Visions through blood.

Have you ever bled out to the point that you felt like your body was on fire? I have. On the 20 of january. With every rush of blood I lost, I could feel my strength weakening. My life pouring out of me.

It felt like it was too thin and I was growing terrified.  I was terrifed as I couldn't call for help. Those who I wanted to reach out to where too far away to do anything. I knew this time was different but feel back to old habits. Always before I could wait it out and it would calm down. Showers usually helped and I was desperate to clean up the mess.

I tried it. I remember the water hitting my skin. But standing up was a terrible idea. Pain immediatly traveled through my stomach to my head, slamming through me with every heartbeat as I realized I completely lost my vision in my right eye. That scared me more than anything as I wondered if the blindness would be permanent. I remember starring at my hand and seeing nothing.

My mind screamed for help, but I couldn't make a sound. Then I was no longer there. I drifted above the realms. Seeing the bifrost spread below me and all through me with my left eye. I had a birds eye view of all 9 realms. I floated above the pain and panic. No vision in my right eye didn't bother me here.

The air around me shimmered with the colors of the rainbow, mostly greens, blues, purple and gold  and some red orange. Some colors I can't even describe and had never seen before. I was at peace and untouched by anything. I could see all the realms and the tree of life and it was peaceful, quiet. I don't know how long I drifted there. My grip on this realm was so fragil. I could feel it slipping away, and could see other souls below me. Some even waved.

Strong muscular arms wrapped around my body, pressing me against a man's chest. I was unconcerned with who exactly he was. It didn't seem to matter. He dwarfed my body, and I couldn't even wrap my fingers around his wrist. He held me while I drifted in the other realm, gazing over everything. He ran his hand down the side of my face and restored my sight, then I felt his hand over my stomach, easing the pain and fire burning there with his touch.

He had golden eyes, the color of liquid Honey. They shimmered with vast knowledge and power. I was in awe of the force of it, and his size. He was extremely beautiful. Once I caught the full force of his gaze I was unable to look away, and our minds connected.

He wandered my mind, reading my memories and thoughts and unlocking every corner, every action or word spoken. Nothing remianed hidden from his gaze. It wasn't intrusive strangely enough, almost like an old friend slipping by for a visit. He didn't dwell on anything terrible, but slipped it off to the side. His mind was a vast landscape of thought and feelings, multitudes contained within.  Heartbeats sounding in my head from where he pressed me against his chest. I wish i could listen to that sound again it was soothing. I think we spoke but i don't recall the conversation well. Choices made and a promise kept. . that much i'm sure of.

Wasn't sure if I wanted to wake back up. That silver thread back pulsed with pain, with terror, and panic. Blindess could have been awiting on the other side. I don't really know. It was difficult, but I woke back up. Had to force myself to remeber where I was or what happened. For a few moments I was so confused. Water was raining on me and I felt so tired and cold. I wanted to go back to sleep. I was on the shower floor, but didn't remember laying down. Mom was threatening to call an ambulance if I didn't move. The amount of blood was shocking. My body was burning from the inside out. Everything hurt.

I never felt so weak before. I could hear people speaking clearly all night in the hopsital. I kept drifting in and out of consciousness, and eventually forgot the information they kept asking me. Forgot my own name, or why I was even there. Couldn't answer the simplest questions and started saying I don't know. Talking was a struggle and it took all my willpower to summon the strength to move around when I was asked to. At one point I just couldn't move and told them so.  I've never felt so vulnerable or so afraid. The nurse didn't leave me alone hardly at all, which was a comfort.

One of the nurses held my hand, my mother my other arm. They held me down when I tried to sit up when the doctor started his exam. I think I may have passed out at that point. I don't remember anything else of it. Just that it was abruptly over. I don't even know if they did the ultrasound the doc kept mentioning.

Birthday

Sitting in my car in below freezing temperatures with a warm cup of coffee in my hand, and this is the first time since I was dropped me off here that I have felt comfortable and relaxed.

I see the thread of where I would fit back into this town spread out before me. So frayed . . . and the more my friends try to convince me to stay, the more distance I want to put between myself and them.

I'm not happy here. I never was aside from a few brief moments here and there. It would be a mistake to attempt to move back here.

Oh I wouldn't break. I'm too strong for that. But this place shatters confidence. It seeps under your skin and drains your energy. I see it in people's eyes. Hope comes here to die, slowly and painfully.

I don't know what opportunities will present themselves in Hawaii, or fully how staying w them would turn out. But I'd much rather take my chances in Hawaii then stay here where I already know how the story plays out.

I only hope I don't have to wait long for a phone call and that plane ticket to manifest.

Welcome home sanitarium

This is no good. I'm nearly to the point of begging my roommate for a plane ticket home. The 18th can not come soon enough. I don't even care about my stuff anymore. I should not have come back here except to empty my storage shed and drive away with it somewhere else. This was a mistake coming here.

I almost moved back to this black pit of despair this month. How the hell do people stand living here under the oppressive energy surrouding this town?

I nearly ditched the car trying to drive to moms house. The thought that if they hadn't asked me to move in with them then I would be living here at that house. We stayed in a hotel room because he can't handle my moms and I couldn't handle my friends house.

 I have half a mind to call my roommate just to get the reassurance that he is bringing me back to Hawaii. Maybe just hearing his voice would help calm my nerves and make this place more bearable. Too bad it's three am and I doubt he'd appreciate my timing. I hope he calls on the 15 like he said he would.

Guess I will settle with listening to music and lighting a candle right now. At least it takes my mind off things. And the cat coming in here helps too. I can feel the comforting vibrations of her purring.

I want to be back on the road, heading home. For once I have a place I can confidently call home.

Coming here confirmed every worry, fear, and doubt I had about living here. I will never be able to thank them enough for opening their home up to me.