Pain and blood.

This isn't good. This surgery is way different then the last one. Even coming out of the last one i was numb for two days. This time, not only did I become aware during it, but now its a week later and I still feel it as badly as I did the day of the surgery. Pain just keeps flashing and I can't even hide or cover it up this time. And what the fuck is this allergic reactions?

I've never been covered in those kind of welts before. My skin felt like it was on fire, while at the same time I had the worst chills of my life. I don't fully know what actually cuased it, but I'd very much like for it not to happen again.

What is wrong with me? The surgery didn't help. It feels more like it aggarvated everything. I feel like my body is working against me. Is this a hex or am I just sicker then we realized. . . or is it both? I can't stop shaking and my bleeding is getting worse after a week, not lessening and stopping. Bad thing is I can't tell if its a regular menstral cycle or a problem, and would it be doing this if I'd refrained from working out last night?

My  shields have been gone. I've been too weak to notice until lately. I need to reapair, both my shattered body and my shields. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'm just growing impatient with the recovery process. I hate having them see me like this, and knowing that I'm suffering and so weak. I should be out having a job by now, but I can barely handle staying alert enough to do the candle making at this point. My mind is just gone, I keep drifting in and out and paying attention to everything around me is difficult.

I want to work out again, I want to get a job and be able to keep it. I want to not feel like someone is tearing my insides apart with razor blades every time I wear jeans or put on a seat belt or even move the wrong way.

This is just my new normal for a while. I wonder if I'll be able to hold it together long enough to work out in the gym tonight? Should I dare try?