Unspoken words.

I hate feeling judged, and hate having my personal life being talked about like a damn soap opera. Small town drama. Small town so everyone knows every damn thing about you before you even do, and then make up the rest and pass it off as truth, no matter how much they hurt the person they are talking about.

It seems my friends back in IL have a rather low opinion of me. "when you fail we want you to be close so we can help you." Why do I often feel stabbed in the back with thier choice of words? And yet I'm a drama queen when I call them out on it. 

Why am I rambling about this? I don't know. I'm upset and have very few people to talk to. Fewer friends as the years pass who I can confide in without feeling judged. Its really hard for me to trust people with anything true and honest about myself, and I feel its been betrayed by these rumors they spread.

None of them wanted me to get on the flight to Hawaii, and I even agree I wasn't strong enough to take the stress of the flight, but I didn't want to wait until I felt better to get back. I wanted nothing more then to be in Hawaii. I got off the first plane in Seattle, and nearly broke down at the thought of having to get on another flight to get to Hawaii. I was so stressed, sick and in pain. Grabbing some food helped calm me down and stablize myself, but that second flight was sheer tourture. I didn't think it would ever end, but it finally did. I was home. . .

The amazing thing is that I can actually call this place home. For the first time in years of my life. I feel at home somewhere I am living, and its not even my house. That's just how welcoming and accepting they are of me here. And the friends back home wonder why I jumped at the chance to stay here in Hawaii instead of being back there.