No one wants a tour through this tortured mind. . .

Lets see. Had I stayed in IL, it occurs to me that I would not have gotten any further treatment for my condition other then the initial hopsital visit, which I even argued with my mother about going to that night.

I'd have probably died there. One night or day just started hemoraging agian, and this time with no one there to help, frightened and alone. I knew I was in trouble for over an hour that night and I never called to my mother. Never texted anyone, and never made any phone calls. I was paralysed from doing so, even though I pulled out my phone several times with full intentions of doing so. I just couldn't.
I just realized that tonight. I ignored my rapidly failing health for months before I hemmoraged, and i knew there was a problem for years before that. Ignored the ever increasing pain on my left side except when it demanded my full and outright attention to the point I had to stop myself from crying out from it.

The truth is that I don't want to live out my life alone. I don't mind so much dying alone, or of blood loss or whatever tramatic event occurs that ends my life. I know I"m going to die. I don't fear that thought.

I don't want to die as wasted potential. I always thought by this point in my life I'd have someone. Perhaps not marraige, but a steady and stable relationship. Sad that the closest thing I have to that is a 15 year friendship with a gay man who's married to his partner. Hell I even thought I'd have a kid by this stage, even though I usually took great pains to avoid that.

There was once one whome I would consider having children with. Even if I wanted them, that option was stolen at a young age. Hell, I played with fate for over a year to see if I would be able to get pregnant, and It never happened. Sometimes, much as I'd rather not admit it, the idea that I could be barren from my earlier abuse pains me. More then I care to admit to anyone. Its so much easier to act as though I don't care. But to have the option not even be availalbe to me bothers me.

But no use bemoaning what can't be. Its better just to close the idea of that off from my mind. I can barely take care of myself anyway at this point. Bringing a child into it would only make things harder, and be unfair both to myself, the child, and everyone else around me.