New year musings

I wish I could stay awake and find a job. Wish I was strong enough to look for one. Even just walking Duke leaves me utterly exhausted. I don't even look forward to the walks anymore to be honest. I know this is just a set back, but I'm starting to regret rejecting a blood transfusion when the doctor said I should get one.

I hate that this surgery is coming up. NO sense getting a job until after I recover from that. Most employers won't hire someone who is knowingly going to need time off the bat, but I need the income. Too many bills are coming up that need paid quickly, and I have no income or savings to cover them. I need the ability to stay awake long enough to work a shift though first.

Its funny. I live in a home where I sleep on the couch, with no space of my own, no real privacy except at night, and a duffle bag to hold my clothes with 98% of my stuff in stoarge, yet I feel the most welcome here then with any other roommate I've stayed with since coming to Hawaii.

I don't have to worry about Duke's safetly anymore. There's no one throwing dishes and breaking them in fits of anger. No one punching or kicking holes in the walls. No one berating me all the time and making me feel worthless. No judgements, or trash talking behind my back. And no worrying about getting punched, kicked or hit over stupid arguments anymore.

Now if only I could find a job and start helping them pay for groceries like I'm suppoed to, I'd be happy. I need to do more to help out. Sleeping most of the day does not contribute.

Imbolic

Blessed Imbolic. I'm letting this one slide by without anything done at my altar. Not a normal thing for me. Even as I look at it I have no desire to approach it, no desire to do a ritual, or celebrate the Sabbot, or even build a fire as I originally planned.

I need to take it down, cleanse it, and set it back up and recharge it. Maybe change the layout. That just sounds so exhausting to do. So it sits, cluttered at the bottom and feeling off to me. Too much stuff under it. Make me feel better to just clean that area back up. All I've managed is to rearrange the shelf of books so I can see the collection.

Extreme fatigue. I've learned the true meaning of that phase this month. No matter. At least now I have a doctor who seems to care, and is working to fix these problems.

I'm so freaking tired of Mike telling me to lower my standards and acting like finding a fucking job is a cake walk. IF It was I"D HAVE ONE! Newsflash, assholes, I WANT TO WORK! Why the hell can't I walk into an establishment and say hire me, and have someone say ok?

Why am I so deficient in making people like me on a first impression? What is wrong with me? I can go to interviews and job fairs all day long and still come home empty handed, even when I feel confident with how the interveiw went! Its so frustrating. 

Right now, I'm so sick I can't even attempt to look for a job and I have him badgering me about it. Lower your standards, find something quick, they'll pay for your degree! Fuck. Like I need to hear this shit right now. Fuck him. I have a degree. I want a job, and have been looking everywhere. Where the hell are these magical positions he seems to know so much about? Its all about who you know and I'm too shy around people to get them to open up around me like Nelson does everywhere he goes. Its a rare day when I can just walk up to someone and talk to them like we're old friends. I wish I could do that all the time!

Argh, Broke up with the asshole and he still can piss me off and make me feel worthless at the same time with one comment. I should seriously stop taking his calls. I am so done with this crap. I grasp at straws filling out applications online and hoping someone calls back. Just once, I want one lucky break to work in my favor and give me a good paying position.

Hypocalcemia and anemia. . .

I feel weaker as the days pass, not stronger. Been having siezures and muscle spams badly. This Saturday was hell. Today is too. I feel so weak and tired, dizzy since walking Duke. Even eating food she gives me doesn't make me feel better.

I'm scared and there's no one to talk to. She keeps to herself and i hate being a burden to her. I've never been this sick for this long, never felt this weak and tired. I don't know what to do anymore. I know what's wrong now but that's little comfort.

I don't know how much time I have in this world. I do know how I'm going to die, just not when. I feel like such a burden on people here, and I hated collasping in frotn of everyone at circle. I hate hositals but been there twice in one month. At least they actually looked for a problem this time around. CAT scans are difficult when you can't stop shaking. I nearly fell asleep in the machine.

I get why they called 911. Wasn't out of spite but concern.  I hate feeling so weak and tired all the time. The clearer my head gets, the more frustated I feel.

Been so exhasuted. Can't stay awake and need to look for a job. Want to workout but don't have the strenght. I don't have the time to deal with this illness. The truth is I haven't been feeling bad for months. Just never said much. Its why I got the doc appointment. I wanted them to look at the fibroids in my uterus and make sure they wheren't cuasing health problems. Now I'm beginning to wonder.

Unspoken words.

I hate feeling judged, and hate having my personal life being talked about like a damn soap opera. Small town drama. Small town so everyone knows every damn thing about you before you even do, and then make up the rest and pass it off as truth, no matter how much they hurt the person they are talking about.

It seems my friends back in IL have a rather low opinion of me. "when you fail we want you to be close so we can help you." Why do I often feel stabbed in the back with thier choice of words? And yet I'm a drama queen when I call them out on it. 

Why am I rambling about this? I don't know. I'm upset and have very few people to talk to. Fewer friends as the years pass who I can confide in without feeling judged. Its really hard for me to trust people with anything true and honest about myself, and I feel its been betrayed by these rumors they spread.

None of them wanted me to get on the flight to Hawaii, and I even agree I wasn't strong enough to take the stress of the flight, but I didn't want to wait until I felt better to get back. I wanted nothing more then to be in Hawaii. I got off the first plane in Seattle, and nearly broke down at the thought of having to get on another flight to get to Hawaii. I was so stressed, sick and in pain. Grabbing some food helped calm me down and stablize myself, but that second flight was sheer tourture. I didn't think it would ever end, but it finally did. I was home. . .

The amazing thing is that I can actually call this place home. For the first time in years of my life. I feel at home somewhere I am living, and its not even my house. That's just how welcoming and accepting they are of me here. And the friends back home wonder why I jumped at the chance to stay here in Hawaii instead of being back there.

Mortality

I nearly died this week. I am not suicidal, but I've had to come to terms with my own mortality. I remember in the car driving to the hospital I asked Thor for strenght to get through it. I guess he heard me as I'm still here. I had to come to terms with how fragil life is. How easily it can end, and how quickly.

It would have been easy to stay there where I was. Drifting quietly through space and time. I almost wanted to, if truth be told. There was so much pain in that silver thread connecting me back to this realm. So much anguish crippling depression, and severe pain and terror. Death would have been easy.

Living. That's what's hard.
That's where pain resides. And fear terror. Hate and anger. But its true what Nelson said too. This realm is a gift. There is beauty here too. Love, and friendships. People to care about and talk to. Good conversations, laughter and coffee. Such simple things in life are the gifts taken for granted. It's a gift we have for a short time. We are not immortal. We won't be here forever. The one thing you can't cheat or run from is death. He will collect his due on his timetable. Not ours. I didn't get lucky, I didn't cheat death. I simply wasn't on his books yet. Maybe my time grows short, maybe there are still decades left within me. One simply doesn't know for sure.

Ah. . I feel so off today. So out of it. Everything is bothering me, from the music I playing, to the sounds of a kid coloring to the silence in the house if i turn off the music. I can't even stand the energy contined in my own altar and keep having the temptation to completely empty it. Earsing. . .

My vibration is so off today. My mind feels fractured, out of sync. And another is reading mine too well. Don't know how I feel about that.

I don't think i fully came back from that realm. not this time. Soemthing stayed behind and i keep drifting off trying to find it. I need to come back, snap out of this. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I want to stop taking that medications. I don't like the way they make me feel together.

Visions through blood.

Have you ever bled out to the point that you felt like your body was on fire? I have. On the 20 of january. With every rush of blood I lost, I could feel my strength weakening. My life pouring out of me.

It felt like it was too thin and I was growing terrifed as I couldn't call for help. Those who I wanted to reach out to where too far away to do anything. I knew this time was different but feel back to old habits. Always before I could wait it out and it would calm down. Showers usually helped and I was desperate to clean up the mess.

I tried it. I remember the water hitting my skin. But standing up was a terrible idea. Pain immediatly traveled through my stomach to my head, slamming through me with every heartbeat as I realized I completely lost my vision in my right eye. That scared me more than anything as I wondered if the blindness would be permanent. I remember starring at my hand and seeing nothing.

My mind screamed for help, but I couldn't make a sound. Then I was no longer there. I drifted above the realms. Seeing the bifrost spread below me and all through me with my left eye. I had a birds eye view of the earth. I floated above the pain and panic. No vision in my right eye didn't bother me here.

The air around me shimmered with the colors of the rainbow, mostly greens, blues, purple and gold  and some red orange. Some colors I can't even describe and had never seen before. I was at peace and untouched by anything. It was peaceful, quiet. I don't know how long I drifted there. My grip on this realm was so fragil. I could feel it slipping away.

Wasn't sure if I wanted to wake back up. That silver thread back pulsed with pain, with terror, and panic. Had to force myself to remeber where I was or what happened. For a few moments I was so confused. Water was raining on me and I felt so tired and cold. I wanted to go back to sleep. I was on the shower floor, but didn't remember laying down. Mom was threatening to call an ambulance if I didn't move. The amount of blood was shocking. My body was burning from the inside out. Everything hurt.

I never felt so weak before. I could hear people speaking clearly all night in the hopsital. I kept drifting in and out of consciousness, and eventually forgot the information they kept asking me. Forgot my own name, or why I was even there. Couldn't answer the simplest questions. Talking was a struggle and it took all my willpower to summon the strength to move around when I was asked to. At one point I just couldn't move and told them so.  I've never felt so vulnerable or so afraid. The nurse didn't leave me alone hardly at all, which was a comfort.

One of the nurses held my hand, my mother my other arm. They held me down when I tried to sit up when the doctor started his exam. I think I may have passed out at that point. I don't remember anything else of the hospital visit. Just that it was abruptly over. That's the cloest I've ever come to death.

Birthday

Sitting in my car in below freezing temperatures with a warm cup of coffee in my hand, and this is the first time since I was dropped me off here that I have felt comfortable and relaxed.

I see the thread of where I would fit back into this town spread out before me. So frayed . . . and the more my friends try to convince me to stay, the more distance I want to put between myself and them.

I'm not happy here. I never was aside from a few brief moments here and there. It would be a mistake to attempt to move back here.

Oh I wouldn't break. I'm too strong for that. But this place shatters confidence. It seeps under your skin and drains your energy. I see it in people's eyes. Hope comes here to die, slowly and painfully.

I don't know what opportunities will present themselves in Hawaii, or fully how staying w them would turn out. But I'd much rather take my chances in Hawaii then stay here where I already know how the story plays out.

I only hope I don't have to wait long for a phone call and that plane ticket to manifest.