Poisoned silence

I just realized why i shut down and never talked about what happened to me. i was afraid if anyone confronted him he would come back and do something worse. silence felt safer. it was protection. I lost my own confidence and trust in my own preceptions of everyone else around me. i quit trusting my own judgement of people. Hell i even tried to push Brice away. He dealt with way too much shit and still tried to find ways to build safe intimacy and connection between us that i was comfortable with during our hell year, once he figured out i was actually injured and reacting to pain and not just being a frigid bitch. i gotta learn to trust myself and others again. brice said i could have told him. i couldnt even react the day it happened or any other for months afterwards. I've just been dispondant and profoundly depressed. the scream in the shower i never explained to brice was the first time I could even voice any reaction to it. something inside my head simply fractured that day. Hell, I desperately wanted to pretend it never happened at all. its taking so long to actually heal becasue i threw everything on ice and refused to acknowledge or deal with it until it boiled over this summer. Some pain is just impossible to hide away inside your mind, no matter how hard you want to try. Brice said staying silent about the attack is why Im so messed up and hurt now. i think hes right. I never intended to ever tell anyone about Davis's attack. i wanted it to simply fade into oblivion, but secrects dont stay that way forever. Eventually, they come to light. Im sick of staying silent and not processing everything that happened to me. I want to finally heal, and remember what it feels like to not walk around feeling dead inside all the time. talking to Walls might have opened up a dam I sealed years ago and wasnt prepared to burst back open. I haven't been living my life lately. I've just been surviving and getting to the next sunset every day. I'm exhausted from every facet of my soul and I don't want to live like this anymore. The cuts don't relase the pressure like they used to.