holiday

 Holidays are here again and its so hard to gather the modivation to do what I want for the holidays. My brother gave me a cheap little HP Chromebook. I kinda like it but it does make me miss my monsterous Asus laptop. I am enjoying owning a laptop again though. I am just not in the mood for anything.

Spirals

Once again this crippling depression settles on my weary soul. Even among a crowd of friendly faces I feel isolated and alone. So tired of this depression weighting so heavily on my heart. So tired of feeling exhausted and numb. Intrusive throughts haunt me tonight. So much pressure is building in the back of my head. some days I think I would be better off dead.

when does life ever feel safe and secure? Not this overwhelming feeling that the other shoe is going to drop and something bad is going to happen. I want to look forward to the future for once. I'm so tired of feeling so hopeless and destroyed on the inside. I'm losing it entirely and I can't even force myself back from the edge this time. I wish I had someone to talk to tonight, but who would I even call? Who would put up with me for a little while so I can sort out the darkest demons that lurk in the back of my mind? I know so few souls who would even be willing to listen.

I feel so overwhelmed and out of control. Am I even worth saving anymore?

My own prison

The demon is back in the house. Anger and hate. Screaming rage... pounding on the walls. The anxiety and fear. Stress and fear.. I'm so exhausted. So very tired of feeling like this. Of being angry and frustrated.

I'm tired of dealing with someone who screams instead of talk. I'm tired of hearing the vibrations and sounds of beating on walls in rage, of the pacing and the yelling. Flying into a flight of rage over a dishes complaint. We have ants coming into the kitchen at night looking for food so he leaves out a feast of fresh cooked meat and grease all over the sink for them. No wonder they use that window exclusively.

 Why can't I find a nice easy going guy who doesn't scream and pound on shit when he's angry? I don't want a guy who spends two damn days a week responsible for cleaning the house and screaming at me about it. I can't help not wanting to live in complete and utter filth. I didn't grow up that way. Leaving messes or dirty dishes draws bugs and rodents, and I will never live with infestations in my house again. Did that as a teen for far too long after my mom married a man with three extra kids and gave up cleaning daily. Its why i spent nearly every day at my best friends house. It was cleaner then mine and I didn't have to watch roaches crawling around on the walls and floors. never doing that again. im just so tired of living w so much anger and stress. I cut too deep this time and the only thing I can do si bring myself to just watch the blood drip down my arm. I don't even care anymore how deep the blade goes. I wish I was dead.

bad times.

 It's getting bad again. Today all I wanted was to change my tires. Stressful day with being screamed at for asking brice to lower his voice and not yell in my ear.

I'm tired of being made fun of for my PTSD, anxiety and depression. Yelling is a trigger. Punching and hitting things is a trigger. But he refuses to care and instead ridiculed me. I'm sick of feeling subhuman because I suffer from depression and anxiety.

I shouldn't have to deal with a guy who thinks the appropriate response to being asked to not yell and lower his voice is to scream even more then Start punching his face, scream again and then punch my dash and radio. Watching him abuse himself and my dash just makes me feel sick and scared. i dont know how to calm him down and deal wirh these issues. i usually avoid this kind of rage and only ever broke tree branches in anger when i was younger. i get the need to oet rage out but nevr seen anyone try giving thrmselved their own black eye. how the hell do you deal wirh that?