Falling apart on the inside

I feel so hopeless nowadays. I don't look foward to anything anymore. I don't even want to live through this year. I just want to wake up in 2027 with a healed back and face. Do fractures ever really heal, or am I just going to forever feel this constant pain and pressure on my spine and this new uncomfortable burning senation on my face? I'm so over it all. Over life in genreal. I can barely force myself to go through the motions anymore. I can't focus on any of my crafts and projects or hobbies. Gaming feels hollow, and talking to the therpist just feels so pointless. Nothing I do feels like it matters anymore. I don't matter. Why does anyone even care about me? I'm just an echo of who i used to be. I'm drowning under an icy sea of dispair and despression. I lost my hope in my own future, and wake up every single day and try anyway. I can't talk to my frineds about it. They have thier own problems. Im just a burden, and I don't feel like I'm worth the effort to even save anymore. I feel so worthless and I wonder why any of my friends even care about me at all. Why they think I even matter when I can't see any worth in my life. I feel like an utter waste of space who'd be better off dead. A mistake that never should have been born. Even as I think that I know its maladaptive and untrue but I can't stop the intrusive thoughts from forming in the back of my mind. Every single day I wake up and tears fill my eyes that I have to fight off over and over. Intrusive throughts are winning tonight as my demons scream thier pain into the void. Is this life even worth living anymore? Why the fuck didn't that accident just kill me? Life is getting so hard and I just see no end to the eternal suffering. what the hell happened to me on the inside this time? I'm just a lone wolf ghost haunting the world, filtering in and out of peoples lives here and there. I don't belong anywhere. I never did. I feel more tolerated then wanted anymore. I handled it so much better before it become this crippling depression. Now I don't feel like I'm handling it at all. I'm broken inside and out and there's no fxing this pain and constant pressure. I desperately need a long hug from someone who will just hold me and let me feel safe for a few minutes. Its humilating that I even feel like this, but I just want to stop suffering. I am not having a good time at all over here. I'm struggling so hard to summon the strenght and courage to keep pushing through day after day when all I want is to just give up entirely.