ignored

Friends ignoring me and constantly fighting w my boyfriend is really beginning to wear me down. I miss people coming over who actually want to hang out with me, not my guests. I miss conversations and laughter, cooking dinners and sitting by the fire. Hell I just mess spending time with people who want to be around me. br />
I just miss my friends, and I'm tired of being ignored for multiple months in a row. I can continue to miss folks. I'll heal eventually and recover. It's one of the few skills my childhood taught me to do over and over again. But sometimes it sucks. I want a frined who will stay aorund and talk to me at 3 am when I'm in pain and need a hug. Who will call me late at night when they are hurting and needs someone to listen to them too. Its hard to find friends as an adult. i cherish the few friendships I make because you never really know how long you have to build a bond with somoene. So many of my friendships where so fleeting. Only a matter of simple convience then real connction. I want friendships that are solid. With peopel who value me for myself, not what I can give them or do for them. a 21 year old friendship ended with a single sentance. "no one here actually likes you. we just tolerate you." what hope do I even have to make and keep new frineds if my longest running childhood best friend cant even stand me through the test of time? I'm just a ghost who haunts other peoples lives. There briefly before I fade from memory. Why Am i not wothy of a true friendship with someone who genuinely cares? Just a lone wolf, not through choice, but cirumstances. Forever searching for somewhere to truely belong in this world and struggling badly in finding it. This rougue is growing weary of the journey.

existance

I am sitting here, listening to angry music just to drown out the sounds of my boyfriend's angry screaming rant. I just keep thinking that I'm drowning in dispair.

Is this what the American Dream feels like? Drowning in debt and wondering if you can keep the job long enough to pay it off? I'm just trying to etch out a meager existance that I never asked for.

My boyfriend and I are fighting about everything again. I wonder how long until he gets sick of it and leaves. Rather be homeless then with me I guess. I'm getting so used the rejection I just expect it anymore. I'm so tired of the screaming, the stress, and the sheer anger he expresses.

I haven't felt this stressed and frustrated in a long time. im so exhausted and hitting my limit. Maybe I should just end it all.