SSDD

I failed at sleep tonight. I just cant force myself to relax no matter how much I want to. Just making the attempt to lay down and my heart started racing, that familar sick sensation settled into my stomach and all I wanted to do is curl up on my side and cry until the pain roaring inside my head fades back to backround noise. I desperately need a long hug, and to talk to someone willing to listen to my hell. but who would want to put up with me in the middle of the night when all I can do anymore is fall apart and cry? i havent been this low in a long time. I wake up every morning already exhuasted no matter how much I sleep in or how early i attempt to lay down the night before. no amount of sleep will fix this soul crushing depression. Every day I fight off a passive death wish that steadily grows louder and more aggressive. I just dont have the energy to fight anymore. i want to give up so badly right now, but i cant do that to myself. sometimes its easier to just sit quietly and let yourself feel all the pain and dispair then to reach out and try to talk to someone about it. when it gets too bad I used to go for a drive to settle the demons in my head, but that options not really available anymore. I miss my bike. I miss the freedom I had when I was on it. Nothing but the sound of the engine in the air and the dark road before me and only the gas gauage and my bank balance to tell me how far I could travel. I miss being able to just jump up and go whenever I wanted, and go see whoever I wanted. I miss feeling welcome to just drop by at any random hour. its easier to talk to people in person, but its so hard to open up about anything anymore. I feel utterly worthless. the fear always whispers in the back of my mind that no one really likes me anyway. they just tolerate me. Why would anyone care about some random craxy bitch they found crying in a bar anyway? But Its just another bad day. one more sunrise to try make it to. SSDD is strong today. Save your soul, Depression's deadly