Trust

Trust is too hard to come by for me anymore. Maybe my sister was right all along. I am damaged goods.

Too broken for real relationships. I feel like nothing more than a ghost that wanders through people's lives. Not terribly important, just kinda existing until they grow tired and drift away.

I let too many walls down around my heart, let too many people through my shields. Why do people keep trying to trust no matter how many times its broken?

I've been betrayed so many times that its beginning to become all that I expect out of other people. How sad is that?

FML

I'm dumb I guess. Had the audacity to actually think things are going to go well for me for once in this miserable life.  I live in too toxic of an environment. Between the hateful neighbors who have nothing better to do then complain to the landlord about anything and everything I do, and the damn problems with getting this loan I just can't come out ahead. I feel like I'm drowning in despair and emptiness.

I'm so tired of trying to make my life better and it just getting worse. Now I can't even have the few friends who would actually visit me over anymore because of toxic neighbors who can't mind thier own business and worry about themselves. I hate this place. Even an expensive rental house in town would be better than this hell hole. I need to find somewhere new to live. I need to find somewhere I can feel safe and at home.

i'm tired of just haunting places I inhabit. I want somewhere I can actually feel I belong

Its so hard finding people to talk to. I feel like such a burden on those around me when I ask them to take time out of their day and come over to hang out with me. I'm so hesitant to ask for company.
I'm so exhausted. Mentally and physically. I feel like a rubber band stretched too thin but just won't snap to relive the pressure.

Invasions of the past.

The sound of glass breaking sends me into a near panic attack. I still expect to get hit or punched whenever something falls or breaks, even if no one is around. When does that fear and expectation of pain end?

I wake up to nightmares and have the most random flashbacks on the rare nights I can even get to sleep. ive been up for three days now. Its exhausting wanting desperately to sleep and becoming so exchausted your body just refuses to calm down enough for rest to overtake my weary soul.

I wonder how life would have been had Jeff been caught when I was younger. The therapist mentioned pressing charges against him. How? I've already been through the humiliation of finally confessing what happened and listening to him deny it and call me disturbed. I don't want that again. I have no proof it ever happened. No rape kit to fall back on. No real physical evidence. Just a random email exchange and my memories. I wonder if he still kept those photos and videos he took once upon a time?

I need a break from the storms raging inside my mind. I wish someone was here with me today. Even just to talk. But mostly so I won't be alone with nothing but my demons to keep my company. I'd rather not leave a body to be found at all. Its nearly impossible to commit suicide and then get rid of your own body after the fact. But I don't want to be found by my friends, by the police, or by anyone. I don't want to put someone I care about through that. The sweet release of death is becoming more tmepting with every passing day.

Touring the Tortured Mind

I hate mental illness. I've been depressed for years, but the more I try to get help to fix it the worse it seems to get, or maybe it's just me realizing how bad it actually is. Answering all the questions from the therapist and doctor is making me realize just how abnormal my thought patterns actually are. I don't like the lines of conversation they initiate.

I've never actually let people in like this before. Never had anyone around who actually hears the thoughts that wander through my head as I think them. Or just sees how deep it goes. When did I stop hiding it from everyone? Why did I suddenly start letting the darkness inside of me out for others to see? Is it the therapy, or is that what has to happen to allow for healing?

Between getting sick, the side effects of the meds, what can only be described as withdraw from the prozac and the host of other problems and stress I am literally a mess. It's never been this bad. I'm literally scared to take the medication due to the previous ones problems and now these new side effects of the new medication.

I get now why people go off their meds. They fuck you up, make you think the weirdest thoughts, and make you feel like a different person. Owning a home would fulfill one of the goals I had for my life. Maybe I can actually feel like I have a home instead of a space that I haunt. A place for me to belong and finally feel safe.....

Meh

This months been kinda a roller coaster. Between antidepressants and all the side effects I have not been feeling like myself.

Either i have no energy or motivation, or I'm flying so high I can't stay still. Sleep is still hard to come by. My appetite comes and goes at random, and I can't keep the thoughts that roam my head to myself anymore.

I don't know why they care so much about me.  But I'm glad they do. I feel safe when they are around. I just wish they didn't see how depressed I am, or how much I stuggle to even function anymore. I just want to space out or stay in bed all day.

I wish I wasn't so messed up. I'd love to be able to just relax and enjoy life. Not have these horrible thoughts roaming through my head all the time. No more reliving old tortures and memories.

images

Now I stand on a blackened plane
A flaming sword held in my hand
Dare I cut this silver thread?

The cold bite of steel caresses flesh
Pain erupts as the blade slashes through, drawing forth the river of rubies laying deep within.
A single drop turns into a flow. Now if we could just let go.

Health

I guess the effects of the prozac finally faded away. The static electric feeling in the back of my head is finally gone. The old familiar torments are making their rounds tonight. Its really hard to concentrate on anything anymore. My mind feels fractured. I'm so physically tired that staying awake is difficult, even for simple tasks. All my dreams are fleeting but vivid. I wake up shaking and frightened but can't remember why. I hate these nightmares and panic attacks.