Trail of tears

Bruised bloody and broken I wander down this long and lonely path. A trail of blood tracing behind. These sensations I keep locked away, deep inside where the pain is still raw and powerful, screaming within my mind.

I hurt. Every day is a battle that I fight silently, trying to not show just how deep it goes. How hard it is to wake up and find the motivation to move. What motivates me you ask? I don't even know anymore.


Maybe the real answer is pain. It motivates me to fight through it, to keep it from consuming my mind and soul. It makes me want to live in spite of it. Because of what I've seen, what I've done and what I've been through.

I just wish it wasn't so hard. i wish i didnt feel so worthless.

Voiceless screams

I know it is not true, but I struggle with feeling worthless. I feel like I just exist in other people's lives. A ghost who drifts in and out without a word, and ultimately, with no impact. I wonder if I mean anything to anyone anymore, or if i ever will.


  I have no roots. Just a drifter. wandering with the wind. I'm so tired of the journey. Sometimes I just want the painful passage of days to end. It hurts to think of the past. Brings tears to my eyes to contemplate the future. I feels so lost and so hopeless


So much pain weighs heavily on my heart and mind. I feel like I don't matter to anyone. I know its not true, but my friends are scattered to the four winds. Many I'm no longer in contact with. The lines go both ways, but I feel like I shouldn't make the call, b/c I worry that I'll bother them, or be too inconvenient.


Just ONCE i want to belong, without a doubt. I want to feel safe and secure. wanted and loved, not just tolerated for the duration.

I am just one voiceless scream among millions. Why should anyone care about me or give a damn if I live or die? Why can't I get over these feelings of hopelessness and despair?

My entire life is shattered, leaving me to once again cut myself as I pick up the pieces, wincing as the blood flows through my fingers. I may never be whole again. Maybe I never really was. Maybe I just pretended for a very long time, and managed to halfway fool a lot of people. I'm so tired of pretending. I'm so tired of this seething pain that festers daily in my mind and soul.

Do I matter to anyone at all?

Home coming

The only home I've ever known as a child involved pain, loneliness, and isolation. Terror fear and shame from my abuse. That sums up the vast majority of my childhood. Abuse at the hands of my parents, terror of the screaming fights and constant aching loneliness as my companion.


Hawaii was wonderful. Even with my depression and insecurities haunting me, I was happy there. I had a few good jobs, a couple terrible ones, and i had the most awesome roommates in Mel and Nelson. they where amazing. It wasn't perfect, but its one of the best homes I've ever lived in. It actually was a home. Full of people who cared about my well being and accepted me as I was.

Chalice circle was a weekly heaven of friends and fellowship. I felt safe and secure, loved and respected.

Now that's all gone with my exile from the safe haven. I'm lost in this isolation and loneliness, living with someone who makes me feel worthless and usually hated. I  work a job that I hate and makes me feel inadequate, nursing a painful injury in my arm and back that keeps me from working out properly or regularly.

I guess its safe to say I've come home. It would have been better to be homeless on the beach then in this apartment. Wish I'd never come back to this hell hole. Wish I could just disappear from here as easily ad I did from Hawaii.

Failed.

I"m tired of failing at life so badly. Its horrible that the happiest I've been was living out of a duffel bag and sleeping on a couch. Now I live in an apartment with an explosively angry man and I'm miserable, surrounded by negativity and depression. All the nice stuff he does don't make up for how horrible he is when he starts screaming and cussing at me.

I"m so tired of being depressed, feeling defeated and trapped.

Misery

I was happy in Hawaii and wished I'd have stayed there. Now I haunt IL again with only the hope of obtaining a better paying job so I can move out on my own. Roommate's addiction is going to result in him coming home to an empty apartment,

I'm killing myself working a terrible shift b/c I can't find anything better. I want the job I put in for. I want one that I can work normal hours and make a good paycheck, and that I won't lose due to an car accident, or other freak of nature event.


Hell who am I kidding? I know what I want and I'll remain single the rest of the my life b/c I can't find a single available man who fits the bill. I might as well give up on the idea.

I'm so depressed. I hate this town. I hate this life and I don't want to be here anymore. Why didn't I just die last year when I hemorrhaged. Why all this suffering and pain?

every time I try to improve my circumstances something comes along and sabotages it. I just for once want a break. A decent job, my own place that I don't have to fight with anyone over and a way to enjoy my life and try to deal with being lonely.

I wish I'd have swallowed my pride and asked a friend if I could live with him. At least I'd still be in Hawaii with my previous job and able to make ends meat. Not sitting here hurting and in pain.

ghost

One more day until the haunting of Hawaii is officially concluded. I'm a ghost who filters from one place to another, merely a series of memories in other peoples' minds.

I think I'll miss our conversations and coffee with Nelson the most. The sense of being welcomed and accepted, and the fact that I could share anything with him without worrying about being judged or gossiped about behind my back.

Leaving here hurts more then I can even put into words. I've finally felt like I belonged somewhere. Like I had a home, and saying home didn't put the taste of ash in my mouth like it has for years before meeting them.

I am going to miss my friends, and I hate leaving circle. So many good people

Now it is all gone. Im adrift on the wind again, struggling to find a new place to haunt.

"happy" Thanksgiving

I've lived on a couch for over a year, literally using a duffle bag for my clothes for the past two or three years. I haven't had my own place since 2010, and haven't slept on a bed since I moved from Pearl Harbor. My sister calls me damaged goods, and thinks I'm incapable of taking care of myself, and I haven't really done much to prove her wrong the past few years.

How did my life spiral so far out of my control? I'm not even leaving Hawaii because I want to, but because I have to. The only thing I've managed to build here are my friendships with other people. Even then I don't really feel like I'm that important to them. I'm easily forgettable. A mere ghost that flickers in and out of lives, becoming merely a series of memories that fade with time.

I have to change this life pattern, but I don't know the first step to doing so. I want a career, not a series of dead end jobs. I'm tired of people asking me where I work and feeling that sense of shame and failure in my life.

I've thought very seriously about ending it. How I would do it and where. Just climb a hill and cast myself off a very high cliff. Give myself that sensation of skydiving before it ends. I've even stood on the edge and seriously considered jumping off. But that's the coward's way out. Although it does take a lot of conviction and dedication to do it. Maybe I'm just not that motivated. At the end of the day I keep holding on because I do want to live.

I just don't know what I'm going to do with this life. Why is it that every year around this time I always feel so isolated and lonely? Always outside the circle looking in. I never feel like I belong anywhere.