ghost

One more day until the haunting of Hawaii is officially concluded. I'm a ghost who filters from one place to another, merely a series of memories in other peoples' minds.

I think I'll miss our conversations and coffee with Nelson the most. The sense of being welcomed and accepted, and the fact that I could share anything with him without worrying about being judged or gossiped about behind my back.

Leaving here hurts more then I can even put into words. I've finally felt like I belonged somewhere. Like I had a home, and saying home didn't put the taste of ash in my mouth like it has for years before meeting them.

I am going to miss my friends, and I hate leaving circle. So many good people

Now it is all gone. Im adrift on the wind again, struggling to find a new place to haunt.

"happy" Thanksgiving

I've lived on a couch for over a year, literally using a duffle bag for my clothes for the past two or three years. I haven't had my own place since 2010, and haven't slept on a bed since I moved from Pearl Harbor. My sister calls me damaged goods, and thinks I'm incapable of taking care of myself, and I haven't really done much to prove her wrong the past few years.

How did my life spiral so far out of my control? I'm not even leaving Hawaii because I want to, but because I have to. The only thing I've managed to build here are my friendships with other people. Even then I don't really feel like I'm that important to them. I'm easily forgettable. A mere ghost that flickers in and out of lives, becoming merely a series of memories that fade with time.

I have to change this life pattern, but I don't know the first step to doing so. I want a career, not a series of dead end jobs. I'm tired of people asking me where I work and feeling that sense of shame and failure in my life.

I've thought very seriously about ending it. How I would do it and where. Just climb a hill and cast myself off a very high cliff. Give myself that sensation of skydiving before it ends. I've even stood on the edge and seriously considered jumping off. But that's the coward's way out. Although it does take a lot of conviction and dedication to do it. Maybe I'm just not that motivated. At the end of the day I keep holding on because I do want to live.

I just don't know what I'm going to do with this life. Why is it that every year around this time I always feel so isolated and lonely? Always outside the circle looking in. I never feel like I belong anywhere.

Lone Wolf

I don't seem to be able to find a home, just a place to haunt for a while. I shouldn't have even bothered with my altar. I should have just sent all my stuff back to the mainland last year, instead of trying to keep some of it. Now its a burden I'm not sure what to do with it.

Five years ago to the day I came to this same realization. That I was going to lose my home. The pain doesn't lesson no matter how many times you experience it, and I'm once again going down in flames, facing those same demons and wondering where the future leads. Where do I belong?

People find their niches. I still haven't found mine. Maybe I wasn't made to fit in anywhere.

Despite everything, I enjoyed the time I spent with them. I've enjoyed our conversations. I did the best I could here. At least I can say that much. 

I'm a strong person. I will get through this and move on to something else. No matter what comes, I seem to have the strength and the will to overcome it. The lone wolf is about to strike out on her own once again.

secret confession

My biggest secret is that I do want a kid of my own. I just held out for the right guy becuase I never wanted to be a single parent. Now i have no chance of being a natural parent again due to this surgery. Thats what bothers me the most.

Always thought I would eventually meet someone and settle down. Now I wonder if that chance hasn't passed me by years ago. Such a long and lonely road to tread. Wish there was someone I could talk to about this.

I want my health to go back to normal. Or is this the new normal for me now? I gotta figure out a way to push past this constant fatigue and go back to working out. I miss it.

not so new. . .

Its bad enough that I get dizzy enough to lose my balance in front of my roommate in the gym, or even just doing normal everyday activities half the time. But if I pass out while we're working out together, its going to be game over.

Please let this just be an issue of too long with too little iron. Not sure I could handle a new problem creeping up on me at this juncture. Workouts are supposed to make you ache and feel terrible, but you're not supposed to be passing out from them.

descions.

I find it odd that the main reason I don't want to have this surgery is it removes all doubt over my ability to have kids myself. Despite the fact I've said many times that I don't any kids and even gone to great lenghts to prevent pregnancy, the fact that the surgery removes the choice completely bothers me.

Its not even an issue of what kind of pain or complications the surgery might cause. I'm worried about something I supposedly don't even want. Can't ignore this issue anymore either. It weights too heavily on my mind. Besides, ignoring it was what put into motion the hemmorage back in Januray. Not too eager for a repeat experience of that.

I really wish the first two surgeries had fixed the issue. Then I wouldn't be facing this again. I don't want a surgerical cut into my abdomen. Don't really care how small the incisions are. I also don't want a full hysterectomy. I'm so used to pain that it doesn't generally bother me, except the times that its so overwhelming I can no longer ignore or push it away. Its a part of my life, although I recognize its not supposed to be, and it does hinder me at times.

Even then, the doctor can't guarentee that the surgery will take care of the issues with pain, even if he does manage to fully remove the fibroid with this surgery. Then again, doctors refuse to guarentee anything.

There's really nothing to be done about it though. Except go in, have the surgery, and deal with my regrets later on down the road, when they come crashing in over my head.

health

I wish I didn't feel so weak and exhausted all the time. Workouts are getting more challenging to get through. I feel like I'm losing strenght instead of gaining it.  Yes, I can lift more now, but I fight to stay conscious to get through the workouts half the time. I get dizzy so easily anymore.

I don't have the energy that I used to, and staying awake all day is becoming a struggle. It bothers me that I can't focus as well anymore.

I don't want to disappoint them. I don't like them seeing me so weak and in so much pain like this. They go out of their way for me more then I care to admit.