Mortality

I nearly died this week. I am not suicidal, but I've had to come to terms with my own mortality. I remember in the car driving to the hospital I asked Thor for strenght to get through it. I guess he heard me as I'm still here. I had to come to terms with how fragil life is. How easily it can end, and how quickly.

It would have been easy to stay there where I was. Drifting quietly through space and time. I almost wanted to, if truth be told. There was so much pain in that silver thread connecting me back to this realm. So much anguish crippling depression, and severe pain and terror. Death would have been easy.

Living. That's what's hard.
That's where pain resides. And fear terror. Hate and anger. But its true what Nelson said too. This realm is a gift. There is beauty here too. Love, and friendships. People to care about and talk to. Good conversations, laughter and coffee. Such simple things in life are the gifts taken for granted. It's a gift we have for a short time. We are not immortal. We won't be here forever. The one thing you can't cheat or run from is death. He will collect his due on his timetable. Not ours. I didn't get lucky, I didn't cheat death. I simply wasn't on his books yet. Maybe my time grows short, maybe there are still decades left within me. One simply doesn't know for sure.

Ah. . I feel so off today. So out of it. Everything is bothering me, from the music I playing, to the sounds of a kid coloring to the silence in the house if i turn off the music. I can't even stand the energy contined in my own altar and keep having the temptation to completely empty it. Earsing. . .

My vibration is so off today. My mind feels fractured, out of sync. And another is reading mine too well. Don't know how I feel about that.

I don't think i fully came back from that realm. not this time. Soemthing stayed behind and i keep drifting off trying to find it. I need to come back, snap out of this. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I want to stop taking that medications. I don't like the way they make me feel together.

Visions through blood.

Have you ever bled out to the point that you felt like your body was on fire? I have. On the 20 of january. With every rush of blood I lost, I could feel my strength weakening. My life pouring out of me.

It felt like it was too thin and I was growing terrifed as I couldn't call for help. Those who I wanted to reach out to where too far away to do anything. I knew this time was different but feel back to old habits. Always before I could wait it out and it would calm down. Showers usually helped and I was desperate to clean up the mess.

I tried it. I remember the water hitting my skin. But standing up was a terrible idea. Pain immediatly traveled through my stomach to my head, slamming through me with every heartbeat as I realized I completely lost my vision in my right eye. That scared me more than anything as I wondered if the blindness would be permanent. I remember starring at my hand and seeing nothing.

My mind screamed for help, but I couldn't make a sound. Then I was no longer there. I drifted above the realms. Seeing the bifrost spread below me and all through me with my left eye. I had a birds eye view of the earth. I floated above the pain and panic. No vision in my right eye didn't bother me here.

The air around me shimmered with the colors of the rainbow, mostly greens, blues, purple and gold  and some red orange. Some colors I can't even describe and had never seen before. I was at peace and untouched by anything. It was peaceful, quiet. I don't know how long I drifted there. My grip on this realm was so fragil. I could feel it slipping away.

Wasn't sure if I wanted to wake back up. That silver thread back pulsed with pain, with terror, and panic. Had to force myself to remeber where I was or what happened. For a few moments I was so confused. Water was raining on me and I felt so tired and cold. I wanted to go back to sleep. I was on the shower floor, but didn't remember laying down. Mom was threatening to call an ambulance if I didn't move. The amount of blood was shocking. My body was burning from the inside out. Everything hurt.

I never felt so weak before. I could hear people speaking clearly all night in the hopsital. I kept drifting in and out of consciousness, and eventually forgot the information they kept asking me. Forgot my own name, or why I was even there. Couldn't answer the simplest questions. Talking was a struggle and it took all my willpower to summon the strength to move around when I was asked to. At one point I just couldn't move and told them so.  I've never felt so vulnerable or so afraid. The nurse didn't leave me alone hardly at all, which was a comfort.

One of the nurses held my hand, my mother my other arm. They held me down when I tried to sit up when the doctor started his exam. I think I may have passed out at that point. I don't remember anything else of the hospital visit. Just that it was abruptly over. That's the cloest I've ever come to death.

Birthday

Sitting in my car in below freezing temperatures with a warm cup of coffee in my hand, and this is the first time since I was dropped me off here that I have felt comfortable and relaxed.

I see the thread of where I would fit back into this town spread out before me. So frayed . . . and the more my friends try to convince me to stay, the more distance I want to put between myself and them.

I'm not happy here. I never was aside from a few brief moments here and there. It would be a mistake to attempt to move back here.

Oh I wouldn't break. I'm too strong for that. But this place shatters confidence. It seeps under your skin and drains your energy. I see it in people's eyes. Hope comes here to die, slowly and painfully.

I don't know what opportunities will present themselves in Hawaii, or fully how staying w them would turn out. But I'd much rather take my chances in Hawaii then stay here where I already know how the story plays out.

I only hope I don't have to wait long for a phone call and that plane ticket to manifest.

Welcome home sanitarium

This is no good. I'm nearly to the point of begging my roommate for a plane ticket home. The 18th can not come soon enough. I don't even care about my stuff anymore. I should not have come back here except to empty my storage shed and drive away with it somewhere else. This was a mistake coming here.

I almost moved back to this black pit of despair this month. How the hell do people stand living here under the oppressive energy surrouding this town?

I nearly ditched the car trying to drive to moms house. The thought that if they hadn't asked me to move in with them then I would be living here at that house. We stayed in a hotel room because he can't handle my moms and I couldn't handle my friends house.

 I have half a mind to call my roommate just to get the reassurance that he is bringing me back to Hawaii. Maybe just hearing his voice would help calm my nerves and make this place more bearable. Too bad it's three am and I doubt he'd appreciate my timing. I hope he calls on the 15 like he said he would.

Guess I will settle with listening to music and lighting a candle right now. At least it takes my mind off things. And the cat coming in here helps too. I can feel the comforting vibrations of her purring.

I want to be back on the road, heading home. For once I have a place I can confidently call home.

Coming here confirmed every worry, fear, and doubt I had about living here. I will never be able to thank them enough for opening their home up to me.

Rambling

My mind wanders in the mist of conversation and laughter. I'm distracted today although I do know why. Conversation replays in my mind from a few days ago. Cant even be offended by the truth though now can we? Why did he have to say that, and why did I admit it to him? Guess becuase its true, and I'm not good at lying. I never was.



So much more I could write tonight. Some things are just not meant to be blogged about I guess. This belongs best locked up in the darkest corners of my mind.

Circles

I almost feel as though my life isn't where it was supposed to be. A new path, forged through pain and torment, has opened ahead of me. Without thinking I wander, the purpose unknown.

Ahead only darkness, behind painful illumination. Words better left unsaid hang within memory, painful reminders of days long past. Isolation has been my path for so long. Its hard to open up and connect with others sometimes.

I came to Hawaii with nothing but the clothes on my back, and what I could pack into an army bag. I was homeless again, and at one of the lowest points in my life. Spiritually, mentally, and physcially. I left a great job earlier in the year and wandered back into a black hole. A pit of my own making, through my oaths to others. Never again do I want to ever feel that helpless. That hopeless. Spent the lsat of my money on a plane ticket to Hawaii, only able to afford half the price, the other half covered by my sister.

Damaged goods, is what she called me. I didn't feel damanged, and was insulted by the reference, but maybe in a way it was true. I hid from life, from the world, and mostly from myself. Depression and quiet solitude mostly filled my days living with her. I didn't practice anything, never drew energy, and never thought upon my craft or my future.

Suspended animation is the best way to describe life in Ewa beach. We moved here and I discovered other people, all becuase of a Cruxshadows song. Hell, maybe she saw that I needed help or just thought the music playing was cool.

Goddess harmony circle entered my life, and then later Chalic circle. Suddenly I was able to immerse myself fully into my religion, and began to read about my craft again, and grew to rediscover the peace it brings me.

Now, I have a God and a Goddess, and my roommates accept and respect me, as I do them. What more can one ask for? Maybe a job that I enjoy. That would be perfect.

Working out and stuff. . .

I've been working out for the past two weeks now, and today was abs and back. I feel so dead tired. However, I need this sensation in my life and almost welcome it. I've spent years depressed, hating my body and the fact that I have no strenght in my upper body, and very little in my lower body. I always feel self conscious. Its part of the reason I wanted to start working out at all. And the fact that he knows what he's doing makes me feel a lot more confident about working out with him. I love the discussions we get into while we are working out too, when he's inclined to talk.

Tonight was difficult for me. Last three sets I wasn't sure I'd make it to the number he suggested, but I somehow managed on all but the last one. My muscles gave out on me and pain shot through my left side, though I didn't tell him that. I just stopped at 17, instead of 20. I hated that I couldn't finish such a small number, but I don't want to hurt myself trying to do it. Next week is another chance to do it.  Oddly enough, I was shocked to discover the crunches he wanted me to do was a lot easier holding a 3 pound weight then with just my body.

I've been working out with him for two weeks, and its been kinda hard, but at the same time I feel a sense of accomplishment that I managed to get through the workout. My muscles shake and I feel dead afterwards. I push myself not only to complete them, but to try and do the same number of reps he does as well. I love doing the combination sets. Those are my favorites, even though he says I don't have to do them. It almost seems to make that set easier to do as it gives my mind and muscles something else to focus on, rather then the same activity with each set every time.

The workouts hurt sometimes. Like tonight, the left side of my abs were on fire and the rest of my body is sore, and its gonna be worse tomorrow. I almost don't want to go to bed due to it. But I'd rather go through all the pain, exhaustion and stress, becuase it means that I'm actually doing something to improve myself for once in my life. For the first time in my life, I enjoy working out. At the end of the day, I can actually look at myself in the mirror and say "Yes, I did something productive and useful today!"  I never realized how much I needed to be able to say that,
and that fact that I can feels really good.