You know sometimes I become very afraid of that night. I fear that maybe the night will never end, which would be ok, except this particular night does not have any moon. Even as I start at the sky and see it turning blue, this thought keeps running through my head.
its a night that no one remembers. Maybe you dream and maybe you don’t. maybe the scarcest thing of all is that you know what is going on and that the day will never begin again and the moon will never shine for you. what if that is what dying is about? Maybe it is death, just eternal blackness.
It is one reason why i never like laying alone in a darkened room. Thoughts and memories that haunt me will sometimes creep out when the lights go out and i find myself alone.
i sometimes have dreams where i can not see. that it is too bright for me to open my eyes, and all i see is a bright blinding white light. that dream frightens me more then i can deal with. i hate it even more because it happens to me when i am trying to actively wake myself up from sleep. that is usually followed by a feeling that i am fighting for air and am trying to swim to the surface of the water, and yet the harder I try to get to the surface, it is always just out of my reach. i can see where the water is and i can break the top with my fingers, but getting my head to surface requires too much energy. Eventually I cease to even struggle and just float there, under the murky depths, never breaking the surface.
why am i telling you this? i do not know. maybe it is so i don’t go to sleep yet. because even as I sit in my now darkened room and contemplate going to bed, the light from the computer screen provides me comfort. I once was asked why i go to bed when the sun comes up, and this may be the answer. i do it because i can not stand to sleep at night by myself in an empty bed. if i go to bed during the day, there is light outside and i can open my eyes and see, so its not so bad.
No comments:
Post a Comment