Pushed away

I feel like the only thing I do well is push people away. Even those I don't want to lose to begin with. Seems to be the only thing I'm capable of doing anymore. Guess my mental issues are too much for people to deal with. The help I tried to get was too little too late. Therapy would be great if it wasn't coupled with drugs that make me feel vague and despondent.

No more inviting friends to live with me. It just causes pain. I'll live on my own and get used to my own company and take care of my own issues. It seems like I'm only good enough to live with when people are hard up and need a place to stay for free, but not when they are doing well enough to actually help pay the bills.

I just need to pack up my stuff and find a cheaper place to live. Some small one bedroom place somewhere that I can actually afford on my own. Somewhere I can have Duke and some peace and quiet. I miss feeling like people actually want to be around me, instead of just putting up with me.

Cracking in this house of glass.

I got a new place, although I still don't feel fully comfortable in this house. I don't even have a desire to unpack and try to put anything up. I have no motivation.
I don't even want to unpack. I just keep thinking to myself that this house of cards is going to come crashing down around my head and I'm gonna wind up repacking it all up again, so why bother? I'm already 1000 dollars in debt, and I can't afford to do that again to get a different place. I think I'm in trouble.

I feel like a failure. My entire life just feels hopeless. One day bleeds into the next as a constant reminder of how pointless this existence is. Doctors keep prescribing me pills that don't really help and come with their own host of problems. I miss my old self. I am in so much pain, both physical and emotional. It doesn't feel like it will ever end.

There really is only one way to end it. Life itself has to cease. I need to end this torture. I wish I could just slit my wrist and end it all.

I hate antidepressants. They made me feel so off. So vague. Like I'm not even me anymore.

Trust

Trust is too hard to come by for me anymore. Maybe my sister was right all along. I am damaged goods.

Too broken for real relationships. I feel like nothing more than a ghost that wanders through people's lives. Not terribly important, just kinda existing until they grow tired and drift away.

I let too many walls down around my heart, let too many people through my shields. Why do people keep trying to trust no matter how many times its broken?

I've been betrayed so many times that its beginning to become all that I expect out of other people. How sad is that?

FML

I'm dumb I guess. Had the audacity to actually think things are going to go well for me for once in this miserable life.  I live in too toxic of an environment. Between the hateful neighbors who have nothing better to do then complain to the landlord about anything and everything I do, and the damn problems with getting this loan I just can't come out ahead. I feel like I'm drowning in despair and emptiness.

I'm so tired of trying to make my life better and it just getting worse. Now I can't even have the few friends who would actually visit me over anymore because of toxic neighbors who can't mind thier own business and worry about themselves. I hate this place. Even an expensive rental house in town would be better than this hell hole. I need to find somewhere new to live. I need to find somewhere I can feel safe and at home.

i'm tired of just haunting places I inhabit. I want somewhere I can actually feel I belong

Its so hard finding people to talk to. I feel like such a burden on those around me when I ask them to take time out of their day and come over to hang out with me. I'm so hesitant to ask for company.
I'm so exhausted. Mentally and physically. I feel like a rubber band stretched too thin but just won't snap to relive the pressure.

Invasions of the past.

The sound of glass breaking sends me into a near panic attack. I still expect to get hit or punched whenever something falls or breaks, even if no one is around. When does that fear and expectation of pain end?

I wake up to nightmares and have the most random flashbacks on the rare nights I can even get to sleep. ive been up for three days.

I wonder how life would have been had Jeff been caught when I was younger. The therapist mentioned pressing charges against him. How? I've already been through the humiliation of finally confessing what happened and listening to him deny it and call me disturbed. I don't want that again. I have no proof it ever happened. No rape kit to fall back on. No real physical evidence. Just a random email exchange and my memories. I wonder if he still kept those photos and videos he took once upon a time?

I need a break from the storms raging inside my mind. I wish someone was here with me today. Even just to talk. But mostly so I won't be alone with nothing but my demons to keep my company. I'd rather not leave a body to be found at all. Its nearly impossible to commit suicide and then get rid of your own body after the fact. But I don't want to be found by my friends, by the police, or by anyone. I don't want to put someone I care about through that.

Touring the Tortured Mind

I hate mental illness. I've been depressed for years, but the more I try to get help to fix it the worse it seems to get, or maybe it's just me realizing how bad it actually is. Answering all the questions from the therapist and doctor is making me realize just how abnormal my thought patterns actually are. I don't like the lines of conversation they initiate.

I've never actually let people in like this before. Never had anyone around who actually hears the thoughts that wander through my head as I think them. Or just sees how deep it goes. When did I stop hiding it from everyone? Why did I suddenly start letting the darkness inside of me out for others to see? Is it the therapy, or is that what has to happen to allow for healing?

Between getting sick, the side effects of the meds, what can only be described as withdraw from the prozac and the host of other problems and stress I am literally a mess. It's never been this bad. I'm literally scared to take the medication due to the previous ones problems and now these new side effects of the new medication.

I get now why people go off their meds. They fuck you up, make you think the weirdest thoughts, and make you feel like a different person. Owning a home would fulfill one of the goals I had for my life. Maybe I can actually feel like I have a home instead of a space that I haunt. A place for me to belong and finally feel safe.....

Meh

This months been kinda a roller coaster. Between antidepressants and all the side effects I have not been feeling like myself.

Either i have no energy or motivation, or I'm flying so high I can't stay still. Sleep is still hard to come by. My appetite comes and goes at random, and I can't keep the thoughts that roam my head to myself anymore.

I don't know why they care so much about me.  But I'm glad they do. I feel safe when they are around. I just wish they didn't see how depressed I am.

I wish I wasn't so messed up. I'd love to be able to just relax and enjoy life. Not have these horrible thoughts roaming through my head all the time.

images

Now I stand on a blackened plane
A flaming sword held in my hand
Dare I cut this silver thread?

The cold bite of steel caresses flesh
Pain erupts as the blade slashes through, drawing forth the river of rubies laying deep within.

Health

I guess the effects of the prozac finally faded away. The static electric feeling in the back of my head is finally gone. The old familiar torments are making their rounds tonight. Its really hard to concentrate on anything anymore. My mind feels fractured. I'm so physically tired that staying awake is difficult, even for simple tasks. All my dreams are fleeting but vivid. I wake up shaking and frightened but can't remember why.

Restless

I need a change. I'm tired feeling so worthless and upset all the time. I hate my job. It's just another brick wall I'm endlessly pounding my head against. No matter what I do it will never be good enough.

This is one of those nights when even my demons need a break. I should just stop torturing myself and try to go to sleep but I'm too restless. I think that therapist was right. She's not the right one to try and treat me. At least she was smart enough to recognize that fact.

Just a crack in this house of glass.

People in my life wish that I would open up and trust them by talking to them. That's one of the most difficult things to do. Hell, I go to a therapist who gets paid to listen to this type of shit and I still have trouble bringing myself to talk about my problems. Trusting someone else with the shit inside my head is so difficult. No one wants a tour through this tortured mind.

I've been so fucked up for so long I don't know any other way to be. This is my normal. I used to be able to handle it on my own, but its been getting more difficult with each passing year.

How do you tell your friends that you are depressed and suicidal, and been dealing with those issues your whole life? That you honestly feel like you'd be better off dead and the world wouldn't even notice your absence? No one wants to hear that I feel worthless and like I will never amount to anything. I've been staring so long into the void that I wave when it starts gazing back at me.

That's one of the biggest reasons why I don't make any long term plans in my life. I never think I'm going to be alive long enough to follow through with them. Hell I never planned to live this long. 30 was not an age I expected to obtain, and now I'm 33. Hard to believe.

 

Prozac doesn't work

 I feel suspended in pain and anguish again. I tried to trust someone and he betrayed me. How does one trust someone who's already proven they are willing to cheat and lie about your relationship with them? Has he been lying to me the entire time we were dating as well?

Nowadays I feel empty. Dead inside. No one to talk to. All my days are long and listless. I have no energy to do anything. I don't like living like this. I don't want to live alone and feel rejected and lonely. I don't want to live with this pain anymore.

I finally reached out. Asked for help, and they gave me medication to take. It doesn't do much. Except make me feel sickly and dissociative. Like I'm not even here anymore. I don't matter. I don't really exist. Maybe I'm a figment of my own imagination. Just a ghost who filters through the mind. When does the pain of this existence end? I'm a prisoner of my own mind. the demons have taken over. But nobody knows. Doubt anyone even cares.

Heartache

Just once. I want to go to bed without feeling worthless and depressed. Without constantly turning the day over in my mind and not thinking of what I should have said or done differently.

Just once I don't want to regret my choices and my actions. I would just like to rest.

This is a rough night. There's nothing actually wrong at the moment. I just feel horrible. Depression sucks. Its like having a constant companion with you all the time that you'd rather never have met, but can't get rid of.

It whispers things in your ear you don't want to hear. So often and so many times that you slowly begin to wonder what's actually true anymore. All my faults, mistakes and failings are always roaming through the back of my mind.

Does anything I do with my life even matter?

dark night of the soul

My soul is tired. My heart is heavy, and my mind is full of sadness.

I have to try to find a way out of this feeling of utter emptiness. Tonight's pain is soul crushing and makes me wonder for the millionth time why I even try at this game called life. So full of pain both physical and emotional.

Nothing good in my life ever lasts. So fleeting and quick to end. So many memories twinged with the sadness of a loss of something I never had to begin with. I'm so tried of these thoughts and memories that wander through my mind in the deepest of the dark nights.