Touring the Tortured Mind

I hate mental illness. I've been depressed for years, but the more I try to get help to fix it the worse it seems to get, or maybe it's just me realizing how bad it actually is. Answering all the questions from the therapist and doctor is making me realize just how abnormal my thought patterns actually are. I don't like the lines of conversation they initiate.

I've never actually let people in like this before. Never had anyone around who actually hears the thoughts that wander through my head as I think them. Or just sees how deep it goes. When did I stop hiding it from everyone? Why did I suddenly start letting the darkness inside of me out for others to see? Is it the therapy, or is that what has to happen to allow for healing?

Between getting sick, the side effects of the meds, what can only be described as withdraw from the prozac and the host of other problems and stress I am literally a mess. It's never been this bad. I'm literally scared to take the medication due to the previous ones problems and now these new side effects of the new medication.

I get now why people go off their meds. They fuck you up, make you think the weirdest thoughts, and make you feel like a different person. Owning a home would fulfill one of the goals I had for my life. Maybe I can actually feel like I have a home instead of a space that I haunt. A place for me to belong and finally feel safe.....