The sound of glass breaking sends me into a near panic attack. I still expect to get hit or punched whenever something falls or breaks, even if no one is around. When does that fear and expectation of pain end?
I wake up to nightmares and have the most random flashbacks on the rare nights I can even get to sleep. ive been up for three days.
I wonder how life would have been had Jeff been caught when I was younger. The therapist mentioned pressing charges against him. How? I've already been through the humiliation of finally confessing what happened and listening to him deny it and call me disturbed. I don't want that again. I have no proof it ever happened. No rape kit to fall back on. No real physical evidence. Just a random email exchange and my memories. I wonder if he still kept those photos and videos he took once upon a time?
I need a break from the storms raging inside my mind. I wish someone was here with me today. Even just to talk. But mostly so I won't be alone with nothing but my demons to keep my company.
I'd rather not leave a body to be found at all. Its nearly impossible to commit suicide and then get rid of your own body after the fact. But I don't want to be found by my friends, by the police, or by anyone. I don't want to put someone I care about through that.
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