Poisoned silence

I just realized why i shut down and never talked about what happened to me. i was afraid if anyone confronted him he would come back and do something worse. silence felt safer. it was protection. I lost my own confidence and trust in my own preceptions of everyone else around me. i quit trusting my own judgement of people. Hell i even tried to push Brice away. He dealt with way too much shit and still tried to find ways to build safe intimacy and connection between us that i was comfortable with during our hell year, once he figured out i was actually injured and reacting to pain and not just being a frigid bitch. i gotta learn to trust myself and others again. brice said i could have told him. i couldnt even react the day it happened or any other for months afterwards. I've just been dispondant and profoundly depressed. the scream in the shower i never explained to brice was the first time I could even voice any reaction to it. something inside my head simply fractured that day. Hell, I desperately wanted to pretend it never happened at all. its taking so long to actually heal becasue i threw everything on ice and refused to acknowledge or deal with it until it boiled over this summer. Some pain is just impossible to hide away inside your mind, no matter how hard you want to try. Brice said staying silent about the attack is why Im so messed up and hurt now. i think hes right. I never intended to ever tell anyone about Davis's attack. i wanted it to simply fade into oblivion, but secrects dont stay that way forever. Eventually, they come to light. Im sick of staying silent and not processing everything that happened to me. I want to finally heal, and remember what it feels like to not walk around feeling dead inside all the time. talking to Walls might have opened up a dam I sealed years ago and wasnt prepared to burst back open. I haven't been living my life lately. I've just been surviving and getting to the next sunset every day. I'm exhausted from every facet of my soul and I don't want to live like this anymore. The cuts don't relase the pressure like they used to.

Reflection

its a rare day that I need to blog and Im not sure which topic to even focus on first. this may just be random mutterings with very little focus to simply sooth my own mind so I can get things off my chest. Trying to talk about it is just making people uncomfortable and I need to stop. I dont like thinking about the past, or the summer of 2019 but i really need to force myself to if I am ever going to actually move past it and develop healthy relationships now and in the future with other folk. I'm trying to socialize and trust others again, but its so difficult. I dont want to keep losing friends and relationships over my mental health problems. i feel like I am getting toxic to be around while ive been dealing with this, esp with some of the things my bf has been saying. im seeing the behvaiors hes pointing out as i think about it and its making me real self conscious around everyone and completely insecure. i need to start letting go and moving on. My past is starting to eat me alive. Reflecting back on my childhood as an adult makes me realize that my entire childhood was completely unhinged, and it literally taught me to allow my boundaries being broken way more then i ever should have, and led me to ignore red flags in others until it was too late. I need to stop letting it haunt me. My biggest regret is freezing up and not calling the cops back then, or telling someone else w a clear head at the time. My mind simply fractured and I disovled into myself. Thats something Im gonna have to learn to accept and live with. i didnt want to make it "real" by voicing it. hell back then I couldnt even say the words without losing time and dissociating. I accidently broke the dam Id firmly built up around these issues and really wasnt ready for the sheer surge of emotions, intrusive thoughts, and fears that crashed over me so abruptly. Im struggling for air inside but I'm still want to reclaim my mental peace. i need to go back to suffering in silence. opening up might do more harm then good anymore.

Monsters

How long does one have to sit with pain before it finally resolves itself, or is some just completely lifelong. Memories I throught I'd gotten past bother me again tonight. Trying to sleep but already feeling like a failure. Why does this month torture me so badly? Why today in particular? SO much pain the body remmbers that the mind so desperately wishes it could forget.

The tormented mind calls again

Sometimes, late at night when sleep is scare and the moon is high, I wonder why about certain things. So many hauntings of hidden abuse inside my head, its a wonder I didn't end up dead. Why did my mom never protect me? Why when I finally got the courage to ask for help from the depths of my personal hell, did I get beaten to an inch of my life instead? Her rage and hate kept me silent about what he did to me for years, convinved if I said anytihng I'd be beaten again. IF you tell, you'll be in trouble too. Words he always said my entire life, I never fully believed until that night. I didn't deserve that beating, to be scremed at, and called a liar and a slut. Later, when she was done beating me, she called Jeff screaming on the phone. Mom threated him with a firing squad. I burst into tears thinking I'd be shot too. Why didn't she justa dial 911? The cops would have come, the evidence was all over the house, from dirty clothes to bedding to my own body. All they would have had to do was check the closet. Find the little black box of his sick and twisted, preverted secrects. THe tapes and photographs He locked away in it. It took me too many years to figure out what that tricorder and camcorder was for, but now the memory of that little red light on the camcorder haunts me. How many VHS tapes from Jeff's private homemade child porn stash exists? Did he ever try making money selling any copies? How many other pedophiles have seen them? That throughts in my head sicken me. So many years of that camcorder set up beside the bed. So mamy lies of its off he put in my head. Now I know better instead. Instead of geting help, I was bloody, bruised and injured. My back pain to this day I trace back to that single beating. Sometiems I just want to ask my mother way. Why instead of protecting me, did she go insane and punish me so harshly for the abuse I endured, and never asked for or wanted to begin with? I was so young when it began, it took years to even realize it wasn't normal, and by then the gaslighting was deep inside of my head. Better to stay silent then wind up dead. Thats what her beating taught me instead. I never felt safe from that moment on. Why didn't she act to help me instead? She was an adult, I was just a tormented child, living in the hell of my father's sick perversion. Jeff doesn't deserve his freedom, he deserves to experience this hell. He's a pedophoile who abused me, my siblings, and who know how many other children he's had access to over the years. Sometimes I wish I could locate even one in tact VHS, send it to the cops, and watch his entire life burn. Why did I never sneak into his room, late at night, and take one single tape to the nice cop's house who lived by the school? I could have saved myself, my siblings, and who knows how many other little girls so much pain and abuse. Hindsight sadly is 20/20. I'd take a few months or years of humilation and shame at this point if it would put that man in prison, but I fear it may sadly be way too late to prove anything of the hell he put me through. It is doomed to live on forever deep in the back of my mind, one of the many demons roaring in my head. This guilt and self hate could eat me alive if I let it. The memories locked inside my head, no one deserves to live the life of slavery that I did. May one day he and all other pedophiles be found out and uncovered. there is no statue of limitations for childhood abuse anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I have enought evidience to press charges. I wish they could look inside my head and see the memories for themsevles. They would know the truth and could lock him up far away where he couldn't hurt anyone else. Why do these monsters rage so hard in my head?

Nov 29, 1962-Feb 16, 2022 RIP step father

Death has come knocking upon the door of the family this month. My stepfather's last words to me where to invite me to come over for dinner. It still feels so surreal. I don't like to think about it. I guess his death hurt more then I ever expected it to. Growing up my father was abusive. Lee was the only father I truely had. He was there, and wililng to support, and put time, energy and effort into two broken, bitter, and traumatised kids who where determined to hate him. He tried making good memories with us, when we let him. All 5 of us kids where difficult. It took a long time to build trust between us, and come to an understanding, but somewhere along the way it did happen. I miss you Papa. Thankyou for being my father for the past 23 years. You brought traditions and lessons to my life I will always treasure. RIP

holiday

 Holidays are here again and its so hard to gather the modivation to do what I want for the holidays. My brother gave me a cheap little HP Chromebook. I kinda like it but it does make me miss my monsterous Asus laptop. I am enjoying owning a laptop again though. I am just not in the mood for anything.

Spirals

Once again this crippling depression settles on my weary soul. Even among a crowd of friendly faces I feel isolated and alone. So tired of this depression weighting so heavily on my heart. So tired of feeling exhausted and numb. Intrusive throughts haunt me tonight. So much pressure is building in the back of my head. some days I think I would be better off dead.

when does life ever feel safe and secure? Not this overwhelming feeling that the other shoe is going to drop and something bad is going to happen. I want to look forward to the future for once. I'm so tired of feeling so hopeless and destroyed on the inside. I'm losing it entirely and I can't even force myself back from the edge this time. I wish I had someone to talk to tonight, but who would I even call? Who would put up with me for a little while so I can sort out the darkest demons that lurk in the back of my mind? I know so few souls who would even be willing to listen.

I feel so overwhelmed and out of control. Am I even worth saving anymore?