Nov 29, 1962-Feb 16, 2022 RIP step father

Death has come knocking upon the door of the family this month. My stepfather's last words to me where to invite me to come over for dinner. It still feels so surreal. I don't like to think about it. I guess his death hurt more then I ever expected it to. Growing up my father was abusive. Lee was the only father I truely had. He was there, and wililng to support, and put time, energy and effort into two broken, bitter, and traumatised kids who where determined to hate him. He tried making good memories with us, when we let him. All 5 of us kids where difficult. It took a long time to build trust between us, and come to an understanding, but somewhere along the way it did happen. I miss you Papa. Thankyou for being my father for the past 23 years. You brought traditions and lessons to my life I will always treasure. RIP

holiday

 Holidays are here again and its so hard to gather the modivation to do what I want for the holidays. My brother gave me a cheap little HP Chromebook. I kinda like it but it does make me miss my monsterous Asus laptop. I am enjoying owning a laptop again though. I am just not in the mood for anything.

Spirals

Once again this crippling depression settles on my weary soul. Even among a crowd of friendly faces I feel isolated and alone. So tired of this depression weighting so heavily on my heart. So tired of feeling exhausted and numb. Intrusive throughts haunt me tonight. So much pressure is building in the back of my head. some days I think I would be better off dead.

when does life ever feel safe and secure? Not this overwhelming feeling that the other shoe is going to drop and something bad is going to happen. I want to look forward to the future for once. I'm so tired of feeling so hopeless and destroyed on the inside. I'm losing it entirely and I can't even force myself back from the edge this time. I wish I had someone to talk to tonight, but who would I even call? Who would put up with me for a little while so I can sort out the darkest demons that lurk in the back of my mind? I know so few souls who would even be willing to listen.

I feel so overwhelmed and out of control. Am I even worth saving anymore?

My own prison

The demon is back in the house. Anger and hate. Screaming rage... pounding on the walls. The anxiety and fear. Stress and fear.. I'm so exhausted. So very tired of feeling like this. Of being angry and frustrated.

I'm tired of dealing with someone who screams instead of talk. I'm tired of hearing the vibrations and sounds of beating on walls in rage, of the pacing and the yelling. Flying into a flight of rage over a dishes complaint. We have ants coming into the kitchen at night looking for food so he leaves out a feast of fresh cooked meat and grease all over the sink for them. No wonder they use that window exclusively.

 Why can't I find a nice easy going guy who doesn't scream and pound on shit when he's angry? I don't want a guy who spends two damn days a week responsible for cleaning the house and screaming at me about it. I can't help not wanting to live in complete and utter filth. I didn't grow up that way. Leaving messes or dirty dishes draws bugs and rodents, and I will never live with infestations in my house again. Did that as a teen for far too long after my mom married a man with three extra kids and gave up cleaning daily. Its why i spent nearly every day at my best friends house. It was cleaner then mine and I didn't have to watch roaches crawling around on the walls and floors. never doing that again. im just so tired of living w so much anger and stress. I cut too deep this time and the only thing I can do si bring myself to just watch the blood drip down my arm. I don't even care anymore how deep the blade goes. I wish I was dead.

bad times.

 It's getting bad again. Today all I wanted was to change my tires. Stressful day with being screamed at for asking brice to lower his voice and not yell in my ear.

I'm tired of being made fun of for my PTSD, anxiety and depression. Yelling is a trigger. Punching and hitting things is a trigger. But he refuses to care and instead ridiculed me. I'm sick of feeling subhuman because I suffer from depression and anxiety.

I shouldn't have to deal with a guy who thinks the appropriate response to being asked to not yell and lower his voice is to scream even more then Start punching his face, scream again and then punch my dash and radio. Watching him abuse himself and my dash just makes me feel sick and scared. i dont know how to calm him down and deal wirh these issues. i usually avoid this kind of rage and only ever broke tree branches in anger when i was younger. i get the need to oet rage out but nevr seen anyone try giving thrmselved their own black eye. how the hell do you deal wirh that?

Home Sweet Home = 2020 Covid came to town

 One of my major goals in life has been achieved. I've got a fairly decent paying job and had the ability to buy a house of my own. I've even been remodeling it and making it look unique.

All in all its not a bad life. Work weekeneds and off all week. Time for gaming and liesure. Visiting friends and playing Magic the Gathering in the game room. haha. I really do act like a teen i guess. Video games and Magic the gathering. Vampire the Masquerade.  

Life is a little different since covid started. I've found myself with time to myself and the ability to relax for the first time in years, since living in Hawaii in fact. I still struggle with my demons, but its managable and I haven't cut myself in a long time. Been nearly a year. Kinda proud of that.

 Even with the rest of the world changing with this Covid and restritions. My personal ife is doing better then it has in years. 

 I still deal with my demons. Doubts and fear swirl around the back of my mind daily. Some days are harder then others. Some days are easier.

 Today was a good day. Got everything cleaned and just relaxed, had fun with my boyfriend and then went shopping at wal-mart for thingsn .

I'm a littel frustrated tonight. had friends over and hung out in the basement. Its always so hard for me to get to sleep at night. insomnia just won't leave me alone no matter where I go or what I do.

Pain slips through my back daily. It hurts to walk the dog although I force myself to. I fear the day I'm incaple of walking around with my dog, or that I become too blind to.

Think positively. Thats the best approch to lifiei right now. I know I'm doing ok. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. 

Ah well. I guess its time to sleep.

ignored

Friends ignoring me and constantly fighting w my boyfriend is really beginning to wear me down. I miss people coming over who actually want to hang out with me, not my guests. I miss conversations and laughter, cooking dinners and sitting by the fire. Hell I just mess spending time with people who want to be around me. br />
I just miss my friends, and I'm tired of being ignored for multiple months in a row. I can continue to miss folks. I'll heal eventually and recover. It's one of the few skills my childhood taught me to do over and over again. But sometimes it sucks. I want a frined who will stay aorund and talk to me at 3 am when I'm in pain and need a hug. Who will call me late at night when they are hurting and needs someone to listen to them too. Its hard to find friends as an adult. i cherish the few friendships I make because you never really know how long you have to build a bond with somoene. So many of my friendships where so fleeting. Only a matter of simple convience then real connction. I want friendships that are solid. With peopel who value me for myself, not what I can give them or do for them. a 21 year old friendship ended with a single sentance. "no one here actually likes you. we just tolerate you." what hope do I even have to make and keep new frineds if my longest running childhood best friend cant even stand me through the test of time? I'm just a ghost who haunts other peoples lives. There briefly before I fade from memory. Why Am i not wothy of a true friendship with someone who genuinely cares? Just a lone wolf, not through choice, but cirumstances. Forever searching for somewhere to truely belong in this world and struggling badly in finding it. This rougue is growing weary of the journey.