ignored

Friends ignoring me and constantly fighting w my boyfriend is really beginning to wear me down. I miss people coming over who actually want to hang out with me, not my guests. I miss conversations and laughter, cooking dinners and sitting by the fire. Hell I just mess spending time with people who want to be around me. br />
I just miss my friends, and I'm tired of being ignored for multiple months in a row. I can continue to miss folks. I'll heal eventually and recover. It's one of the few skills my childhood taught me to do over and over again. But sometimes it sucks. I want a frined who will stay aorund and talk to me at 3 am when I'm in pain and need a hug. Who will call me late at night when they are hurting and needs someone to listen to them too. Its hard to find friends as an adult. i cherish the few friendships I make because you never really know how long you have to build a bond with somoene. So many of my friendships where so fleeting. Only a matter of simple convience then real connction. I want friendships that are solid. With peopel who value me for myself, not what I can give them or do for them. a 21 year old friendship ended with a single sentance. "no one here actually likes you. we just tolerate you." what hope do I even have to make and keep new frineds if my longest running childhood best friend cant even stand me through the test of time? I'm just a ghost who haunts other peoples lives. There briefly before I fade from memory. Why Am i not wothy of a true friendship with someone who genuinely cares? Just a lone wolf, not through choice, but cirumstances. Forever searching for somewhere to truely belong in this world and struggling badly in finding it. This rougue is growing weary of the journey.

existance

I am sitting here, listening to angry music just to drown out the sounds of my boyfriend's angry screaming rant. I just keep thinking that I'm drowning in dispair.

Is this what the American Dream feels like? Drowning in debt and wondering if you can keep the job long enough to pay it off? I'm just trying to etch out a meager existance that I never asked for.

My boyfriend and I are fighting about everything again. I wonder how long until he gets sick of it and leaves. Rather be homeless then with me I guess. I'm getting so used the rejection I just expect it anymore. I'm so tired of the screaming, the stress, and the sheer anger he expresses.

I haven't felt this stressed and frustrated in a long time. im so exhausted and hitting my limit. Maybe I should just end it all.

crossroads

Man my head is swimming tonight. I feel so dizzy and almost nauseous after that beating. How long until this goes away?

 I am scared of going back into work and taking another beating from this client. I hope Eva gets him out of here soon. Like before next weekend. I may have to quit. I'm gonna look for another job.

This may be the best paying job I've ever had but being beaten isn't worth this money, or the stress of trying to get here on time and staying up all night every weekend. I need a new job that doesn't stress me out so badly.

wandering thoughts.

I wasted a long time begging for full time work. Now I'm at a job that takes longer to get to and is a lot more boring, but it's full time and more pay. Screw Casey's. I should have left it for a better position a long time ago, back when my friends all quit. Honestly I wish I'd never gotten the job in the first place. It lead to a lot of heartache and self doubt, not to mention expense, and shattered my mental health

I'm kinda done with being taken advantage of and feeling worthless. I'm only good enough for people when they can get something from me it seems.

I hope this new house works out and I can get the problems fixed without breaking the bank. I am scared of this new adventure, but looking forward to it I guess. At least it has most of the things I wanted.

Maybe I will finally have a place I can enjoy living in, instead of haunting.
Man I'm really broken and depressed and trying to think positively about my future is difficult.

Things will get better, no matter how hollow those words feel now. At least I have a job and my own home. A working car and someone who cares about me at home. SSDD shattered soul. Different decade.

Dark moon

Sometimes I don't feel like I am worth anything to anyone. I try making plans to spend time w friends and either get no answer or if I'm lucky get told it's not a good time. I'm growing weary of asking anymore. How many times do I keep getting rejected before giving up? I'm nearly to that point. It hurts to feel like I'm not worth anyone's time.

I miss the game nights. Hanging around and talking, or taking a drive somewhere random. I miss the visits which are always a welcome distraction from the monotony of daily living. I just miss my friends.

I feel worthless, tired and depressed all the time. It's hard to even find the motivation and energy to get out of bed anymore. All i want to do is sleep and pretend i dont even exist. Would anyone even miss me if i was gone? I don't think anyone would really care. "No one here likes you, they just tolerate you." How true has that statment been my entire life? is that how everyone secrectly feels about me?  
I wish this depression would dissolve and go away. Leave me in peace  where did everything in life go so horribly wrong? i dont know what to do anymore.i just keep pacing around restlessly and spend half the nights.roaming these same roads thinking of a thousand ways to end everything. End it all and stop this eternal suffering. i cant keep letting these intrusive thoughts live inside my head forever. It might not get any better in life. But it can get different. And sometimes different can be good enough to qualify as better. I desperately need things to become different then this hellscape i live in.

sis

My baby sister gonna be a cop and is still trying to take care of me. I should have taken care of her all those years. Should have known she would wind up the better of us and I should habe made every effort to ensure she was safe and could have every opportunity to succeed. I think the parents focused on the wrong kid to succeed tbh.

I am a failure. She's the good kid not me. I can't seem to do anything right. I'm so damaged and in a hellscape of my own mind.

caged up inside

No matter how many times I fight them back and lock them in their cages, the demons remain firmly entrenched within the deepest recesses of my mind. Impatiently they pace, waiting for the moment of weakness to force themselves through the barriers so carefully placed around them. Once again ready to renew their endless rampage within my soul.
I'm so exhausted from fighting them all the time. So tired.