Soul Shards

I need to travel into my soul, find all the broken shards, and forge them back together without getting cut into ribbons again. its time to fix this depression and anxiety that has plagued me for so many years. Its getting so much harder again.


you can reforge any soul no matter how shattered you feel. some puzzles just take a little longer to put together then others. its a journey you have to take inside yourself if you truely want to heal. Carry the wounds and let them seal back together again. I truely wish it didn't hurt as much as it does to do it. I have to believe in myself. No one else is going to fix me for me. I have to put myself back together again, sooner rather then later before I lose whatever sanity is still floating around in this weary soul.

hidden in the deep dark

When locked in a coffin, it takes around five and a half hours to suffocate to death. There are plenty of graveyards around. I guess there is a way to dispose of your own body after all if you really wanted to disappear. Who's going to go looking for you in a place dead people are already buried?
 Dead and perfectly hidden all at the same time. That's some pretty freaking twisted and maladaptive thinkng. I shouldn't be thinking about that right now.
What a fucked up dream to prompt this idea. Sometimes the bad intrusive thoughts rolling aorund in my head frighten me. PA

Alone

I don't feel good anymore. So stressed and exhausted and no one to talk to. Its really lonely when you look around for a shoulder to cry on and suddenly realize there are none but your own. I look at the food in my cabinet and think to myself I'd rather starve then eat this. I have no interest in things anymore, not even my favorite hobbies. Im so burned out and feeling a such profound exhasustion.

I think I'm getting worse. The depression has been well out of hand lately. Medicating isn't helping, esp when you stop taking them. I might as well not even start them again since i lost medical insurance. I don't think they really helped anyway

I'm tired of feeling so depressed. So vague and so empty and dead inside. Maybe I really just am too toxic for other people. I mean really? Who wants to be around someone who routinely slices their own arm or leg? Who wants to be around this depression and self hate? No one. No one should have to deal with me and my demons. an echo of a ghost haunting this exhausting life anymore. i just want to feel like myself again, even if that self is engulfed in paim and dispair. at least id be me. i just want to feel like I matter and even exist, because I dont right now.

rant

How often I sit around and think these thought that roam around the inside of my mind during these endless nights. Wishing sleep would come over me but all thats there is cold isolation inside my soul.

I'm so tired of feeling worthless, lonely, and depressed.something in my life needs to change. I'm tired of being taken advantage of by the people around me and eventually being abandoned when they are bored with me. I deserve better then that.

Kindness loyalty and honesty. Do they all three actually exist in a man who would be interested in me? Why can't I find a decent guy who finds me good enough for him to be with?

Maybe it's me. I don't voice my feelings to guys I really like, and on the rare occasions I do it's usually far too late. The opportunity has long past. I'm so afraid of rejection I wind up sabatoging myself

Pushed away

I feel like the only thing I do well is push people away. Even those I don't want to lose to begin with. Seems to be the only thing I'm capable of doing anymore. Guess my mental issues are too much for people to deal with. The help I tried to get was too little too late. Therapy would be great if it wasn't coupled with drugs that make me feel vague and despondent.

No more inviting friends to live with me. It just causes pain. I'll live on my own and get used to my own company and take care of my own issues. It seems like I'm only good enough to live with when people are hard up and need a place to stay for free, but not when they are doing well enough to actually help pay the bills.

I just need to pack up my stuff and find a cheaper place to live. Some small one bedroom place somewhere that I can actually afford on my own. Somewhere I can have Duke and some peace and quiet. I miss feeling like people actually want to be around me, instead of just putting up with me.

Cracking in this house of glass.

I got a new place, although I still don't feel fully comfortable in this house. I don't even have a desire to unpack and try to put anything up. I have no motivation.
I don't even want to unpack. I just keep thinking to myself that this house of cards is going to come crashing down around my head and I'm gonna wind up repacking it all up again, so why bother? I'm already 1000 dollars in debt, and I can't afford to do that again to get a different place. I think I'm in trouble.

I feel like a failure. My entire life just feels hopeless. One day bleeds into the next as a constant reminder of how pointless this existence is. Doctors keep prescribing me pills that don't really help and come with their own host of problems. I miss my old self. I am in so much pain, both physical and emotional. It doesn't feel like it will ever end.

There really is only one way to end it. Life itself has to cease. I need to end this torture. I wish I could just slit my wrist and end it all.

I hate antidepressants. They made me feel so off. So vague. Like I'm not even me anymore.

Trust

Trust is too hard to come by for me anymore. Maybe my sister was right all along. I am damaged goods.

Too broken for real relationships. I feel like nothing more than a ghost that wanders through people's lives. Not terribly important, just kinda existing until they grow tired and drift away.

I let too many walls down around my heart, let too many people through my shields. Why do people keep trying to trust no matter how many times its broken?

I've been betrayed so many times that its beginning to become all that I expect out of other people. How sad is that?