Lone Wolf

I don't seem to be able to find a home, just a place to haunt for a while. I shouldn't have even bothered with my altar. I should have just sent all my stuff back to the mainland last year, instead of trying to keep some of it. Now its a burden I'm not sure what to do with it.

Five years ago to the day I came to this same realization. That I was going to lose my home. The pain doesn't lesson no matter how many times you experience it, and I'm once again going down in flames, facing those same demons and wondering where the future leads. Where do I belong?

People find their niches. I still haven't found mine. Maybe I wasn't made to fit in anywhere.

Despite everything, I enjoyed the time I spent with them. I've enjoyed our conversations. I did the best I could here. At least I can say that much. 

I'm a strong person. I will get through this and move on to something else. No matter what comes, I seem to have the strength and the will to overcome it. The lone wolf is about to strike out on her own once again.

secret confession

My biggest secret is that I do want a kid of my own. I just held out for the right guy becuase I never wanted to be a single parent. Now i have no chance of being a natural parent again due to this surgery. Thats what bothers me the most.

Always thought I would eventually meet someone and settle down. Now I wonder if that chance hasn't passed me by years ago. Such a long and lonely road to tread. Wish there was someone I could talk to about this.

I want my health to go back to normal. Or is this the new normal for me now? I gotta figure out a way to push past this constant fatigue and go back to working out. I miss it.

not so new. . .

Its bad enough that I get dizzy enough to lose my balance in front of my roommate in the gym, or even just doing normal everyday activities half the time. But if I pass out while we're working out together, its going to be game over.

Please let this just be an issue of too long with too little iron. Not sure I could handle a new problem creeping up on me at this juncture. Workouts are supposed to make you ache and feel terrible, but you're not supposed to be passing out from them.

descions.

I find it odd that the main reason I don't want to have this surgery is it removes all doubt over my ability to have kids myself. Despite the fact I've said many times that I don't any kids and even gone to great lenghts to prevent pregnancy, the fact that the surgery removes the choice completely bothers me.

Its not even an issue of what kind of pain or complications the surgery might cause. I'm worried about something I supposedly don't even want. Can't ignore this issue anymore either. It weights too heavily on my mind. Besides, ignoring it was what put into motion the hemmorage back in Januray. Not too eager for a repeat experience of that.

I really wish the first two surgeries had fixed the issue. Then I wouldn't be facing this again. I don't want a surgerical cut into my abdomen. Don't really care how small the incisions are. I also don't want a full hysterectomy. I'm so used to pain that it doesn't generally bother me, except the times that its so overwhelming I can no longer ignore or push it away. Its a part of my life, although I recognize its not supposed to be, and it does hinder me at times.

Even then, the doctor can't guarentee that the surgery will take care of the issues with pain, even if he does manage to fully remove the fibroid with this surgery. Then again, doctors refuse to guarentee anything.

There's really nothing to be done about it though. Except go in, have the surgery, and deal with my regrets later on down the road, when they come crashing in over my head.

health

I wish I didn't feel so weak and exhausted all the time. Workouts are getting more challenging to get through. I feel like I'm losing strenght instead of gaining it.  Yes, I can lift more now, but I fight to stay conscious to get through the workouts half the time. I get dizzy so easily anymore.

I don't have the energy that I used to, and staying awake all day is becoming a struggle. It bothers me that I can't focus as well anymore.

I don't want to disappoint them. I don't like them seeing me so weak and in so much pain like this. They go out of their way for me more then I care to admit.

Woodworking

I like working with wood. Turns out it has a soothing effect on me. Found a large tree branch from a Hawaiian nut bearing tree and was going to make runes from it, but after whittling away the bark and revealing the beautiful blue patterns under it, I now can't bring myself to cut it up for runes.

Friend asked if I was making a wand and I told him the thought had crossed my mind, then confessed I almost didn't want to cut it up at all. Apperently he had the same idea. For some reason I get the sensation my mini staff reminded him of a friend of his.

This rune project of mine may well have turned into a mini staff project instead. Maybe I'll find a stone to put on it and carve runes into it instead, and find another piece of wood to create runes from. Maybe a smaller piece from the same tree will serve better. This one seems to have given me other plans.

I kinda want to get my hands on some rainbow Ecualptus tree branch, as well as some more of the Kukui nut tree. Making runes and wands out of the branches and even staffs is another excellent avenue to explore. Esp since it really didn't take me too long to do and its something I enjoy. Almost a way to mediate. I do however, need to learn to sharpen my knife if I start this up. Branches are free to pick up.

No one wants a tour through this tortured mind. . .

Lets see. Had I stayed in IL, it occurs to me that I would not have gotten any further treatment for my condition other then the initial hopsital visit, which I even argued with my mother about going to that night.

I'd have probably died there. One night or day just started hemoraging agian, and this time with no one there to help, frightened and alone. I knew I was in trouble for over an hour that night and I never called to my mother. Never texted anyone, and never made any phone calls. I was paralysed from doing so, even though I pulled out my phone several times with full intentions of doing so. I just couldn't.
I just realized that tonight. I ignored my rapidly failing health for months before I hemmoraged, and i knew there was a problem for years before that. Ignored the ever increasing pain on my left side except when it demanded my full and outright attention to the point I had to stop myself from crying out from it.

The truth is that I don't want to live out my life alone. I don't mind so much dying alone, or of blood loss or whatever tramatic event occurs that ends my life. I know I"m going to die. I don't fear that thought.

I don't want to die as wasted potential. I always thought by this point in my life I'd have someone. Perhaps not marraige, but a steady and stable relationship. Sad that the closest thing I have to that is a 15 year friendship with a gay man who's married to his partner. Hell I even thought I'd have a kid by this stage, even though I usually took precautions to avoid that.

There was once one whome I would consider having children with. Even if I wanted them, that option was stolen at a young age. Hell, I played with fate for over a year to see if I would be able to get pregnant, and It never happened. Sometimes, much as I'd rather not admit it, the idea that I could be barren from my earlier abuse pains me deeply. More then I care to admit to anyone. Its so much easier to act as though I don't care. But to have the option not even be availalbe to me hurts way more then I ever expected. i always wanted a daughter, and hoped for twins.

But no use crying over what can't be. Its better just to close the idea of that off from my mind. I can barely take care of myself anyway at this point. Bringing a child into it would only make things harder, and be unfair both to myself, the child, and everyone else around me.