Watery Dreams

Strangely enough, so many of my dreams involve water it makes me wonder what they are trying to tell me exactly. Its a reoccuring theme that's been visiting my dreams for years. Hurricanes causing damage I must protect myself from, Racing huge Tsunami waves that are on the road behind me, or even attempting to swim to the surface of the water and never managing to make it before I awaken.

I've even dreamed of floating on top of water, and walking on ice as well as swimming through the ocean waters. I often wonder if its not a memory of a past life trying to break through the surface, or simply ar reflection of something that hasn't quite show me its full message. Whatever it is, its been on my mind a lot lately the past few days

Been so tired lately its difficult to stay awake. Anytime the kids are napping, I find myself joining them more and more, and its difficult to not fall into the habit of going to sleep after the work day is done. I really grow weary from all the extra hours this week. 12 hour days are rough, and Friday is going to be the toughest of them all. I am not fond of working late on Fridays, as I'm always eager to get the weekend started.. Ah well, tomorrow is another early day so its best to catch some sleep.

Hurricane update.

Well the hurricanes both fizzled out on us, and one got pushed away from the islands entirely. The weater does some pretty funny things out here in the Pacific. The Big Island once again shielded the rest of the islands from the Hurricane.

It is unnaturally hot and humid though, so I'm expecting one heck of a thunderstorm to cool everything back down. Its downright miserable outside during the day and barely tolerable at night. Its giving me a lot of extra time to think though.

I'm kinda done with trying the help out people. It seems to only blow up in my face. Either they take advantage or they give you more trouble then its even worth.

visions from animals.

Wonderful vision I had during the animal conference ritual at the last meeting. I saw myself sitting inside a volcano, lonely and dark. Kt was quickly filling with heat before the ground around me started to break up and lava poured through the cracks.

Beside me, a phoenix suddenly burst out of the ground, spinning in midair and spraying me with lava. It burned but no pain. The message he(?) Held wasn't in what was said but rather what he showed me.bursting into flame, then having the strength and will to raise up from the ash and start over, no matter how badly things get, it can always be rebuilt, and that you have to find the strength and staminia to keep goi ng, and beauty will come back out of it again.

He showed me and let me expierence his life cycle, showing me that my own life heavily mirrored a phenoix. I was shocked to find I actually started to cry, not in sorrow or shame though. It was just very powerful and moving.

I wasn't expecting any of this to come out of the ritual.

Mixing

If there is one thing I will take away from this current job, its the problem of mixing personal life with work life. Never a good idea. Sometimes, I think back on the day's conversation and review it as both an employee and a friend, and realize more often then not, that I've said the wrong thing or spoken out of turn.

They are friends who hired me as an employee, and I need to keep that in mind a little more. Being a live in nanny who actually interacts and talks to the people I work for on a daily basis is much different then the previous positions I've held, as this is the first time I don't have my circle of friends to act as a buffer between me and them. They are basically my only friends here.  I need to learn to zip it a bit and keep my conversations with them focused more on the kid.

It would help if my wrist didn't hurt so bad though. I'm finding even the simplest tasks to be nearly impossible and take  much longer then normal, such as typing..Carrying kids, changing diapers, ect would be impossible if  not for my brace at the moment. I need to go see the doc and figure out what's up, and why the sudden onset of severe pain. It just keeps getting worse. I shudder to think how tomorrow is going to be.

Its hard, but I'm trying hard to not aggravate it any worse then it is. And now, having to redo the laundry yet again is going to make this difficult, especially since I also have been wanting to wash my bedding for the past week now, and I'm going to have to give the dogs baths soon to get rid of fleas.

Work and personal life, bad mixing. I need to treat them more professionally, while still being friendly  and more quiet about things.

Frustration Dreams

 I'm having those dreams again, and its been so long since they've troubled my sleep. The frustration dreams, I call them. One where I'm trapped and can't get out of the rubble that covers me, frantically climbing the edge of the hole I'm buried in only to find that it never ends, and even if I reach the top, a chain attached to my ankle holds me before it pulls me back down again.

Or the one where I'm walking along, a blinding white light prevents me from opening my eyes, no matter how hard I struggle to do so, I can't see where I'm walking, nor can i force myself to stop following that strange, sightless path. On and on, for many miles, I walk in blindness. Terror and uncertainty my only companions. When my eyes finally open, there is nothing to see, for I am truly blind.

The last, and one that truly frightens me the most, I'm driving along, usually in a jeep or a truck. A huge wave can be seen in my rear view mirror, that I'm driving away from. Sometimes there are others in the car with me, other times I'm alone, left to ponder the fate of my friends. No matter how fast I drive, it is always there, waiting for its opportunity to claim a new victim.

Suddenly, there is always traffic, moving along on a narrow, winding road, but when a stop is required, I find I have no breaks. I hit them and nothing happens, I'm forced to watch in terror as I see the bumper of the vehicle in front of me come closer, with no way to avoid missing it without plummeting to my death off the edge of a cliff. The utter feeling of helplessness and terror takes over right before the painful moment of metal and glass colliding. I hate the accident dream. One of my biggest fears is the breaks of my car failing me, and after living this nightmare for real, its frightening to realize how accurate the mere dream was to the reality, almost like it was less a dream, and more a vision.

Another, I'm usually standing in front of a mirror, and brushing my teeth. While I do so, one tooth randomly falls into the sink. I pick it up and look at it, then noticing the golden color to it, begin to brush that tooth even though it'll never go back into my mouth.

Pain and blood feels my mouth as I feel something wrong with my jaw. I begin pulling more teeth, watching in the mirror as a few more fall out while blood pools. A quick motion of my jaw and suddenly all the rest of my teeth shatter like glass, the shards clinking rapidly as they hit the red stained porcelain.

Many times I awaken from this one with a soft yell, checking my teeth to insure they are all there. I hate thsee dreams, manifestations as they are.

Flaring Tempers

I can feel the waves of depression and darkness beginning to rise  up and devour me. No matter how much I swim through the blackened waters, waves keep forcing me from breaking above the surface of despair. It so hard to swim to the top, and when you finally do break the surface of the water, its only to find that there is no air to breath, for ice blocks your way, and the current is ever there to pull you further down again.

Real life doesn't help. .. .A broken bowl, shattered plate. . . reminds me so much of the fits where things where throw against the wall near our heads as children. It upsets me when someone can't hold their temper. The sound of things broken always send me into a nearly panicked nervousness. Another hole in another wall. . . evidence of uncontrolled rage that gets covered with plaster and paint so easily, except the imprint, and the memory always remains.

That's how it starts, too. Uncontrolled rage, unpredictable behavior. Eventually, the line gets crossed. After that, there's no turning back as the anger gets redirected toward loved ones. Overnight, you become a completely different person, doing things you never dreamed of. Anger, and temper are two things to always be aware of in any kind of a relation, personal, business, or otherwise.

Today was a bad day. I really hope tomorrow will be better.

Tarrot thought

Did a couple readings a few days ago, for myself as well as my boyfriend. Interesting and accurate readings yet again. I find it rather fitting that my end card from my last reading was my beginning card for this reading.

Justice: achieving a new sense of balance: harmony. I didn't track the rest of my reading as closely as I should have, although I did understand the message it gave me. It seems that my dragons are very talkative and have much to share. I need to remember to listen to them when they wish to communicate.

I was so angry and insulted that he'd handled my cards without my permission, but after calming down and realizing it didn't ruin my cards for me as I'd feared, it turned out to be a very positive experience.  It even seemed to have enhanced my cards quite a bit.