Wonderful vision I had during the animal conference ritual at the last meeting. I saw myself sitting inside a volcano, lonely and dark. Kt was quickly filling with heat before the ground around me started to break up and lava poured through the cracks.
Beside me, a phoenix suddenly burst out of the ground, spinning in midair and spraying me with lava. It burned but no pain. The message he(?) Held wasn't in what was said but rather what he showed me.bursting into flame, then having the strength and will to raise up from the ash and start over, no matter how badly things get, it can always be rebuilt, and that you have to find the strength and staminia to keep goi ng, and beauty will come back out of it again.
He showed me and let me expierence his life cycle, showing me that my own life heavily mirrored a phenoix. I was shocked to find I actually started to cry, not in sorrow or shame though. It was just very powerful and moving.
I wasn't expecting any of this to come out of the ritual.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Mixing
If there is one thing I will take away from this current job, its the problem of mixing personal life with work life. Never a good idea. Sometimes, I think back on the day's conversation and review it as both an employee and a friend, and realize more often then not, that I've said the wrong thing or spoken out of turn.
They are friends who hired me as an employee, and I need to keep that in mind a little more. Being a live in nanny who actually interacts and talks to the people I work for on a daily basis is much different then the previous positions I've held, as this is the first time I don't have my circle of friends to act as a buffer between me and them. They are basically my only friends here. I need to learn to zip it a bit and keep my conversations with them focused more on the kid.
It would help if my wrist didn't hurt so bad though. I'm finding even the simplest tasks to be nearly impossible and take much longer then normal, such as typing..Carrying kids, changing diapers, ect would be impossible if not for my brace at the moment. I need to go see the doc and figure out what's up, and why the sudden onset of severe pain. It just keeps getting worse. I shudder to think how tomorrow is going to be.
Its hard, but I'm trying hard to not aggravate it any worse then it is. And now, having to redo the laundry yet again is going to make this difficult, especially since I also have been wanting to wash my bedding for the past week now, and I'm going to have to give the dogs baths soon to get rid of fleas.
Work and personal life, bad mixing. I need to treat them more professionally, while still being friendly and more quiet about things.
They are friends who hired me as an employee, and I need to keep that in mind a little more. Being a live in nanny who actually interacts and talks to the people I work for on a daily basis is much different then the previous positions I've held, as this is the first time I don't have my circle of friends to act as a buffer between me and them. They are basically my only friends here. I need to learn to zip it a bit and keep my conversations with them focused more on the kid.
It would help if my wrist didn't hurt so bad though. I'm finding even the simplest tasks to be nearly impossible and take much longer then normal, such as typing..Carrying kids, changing diapers, ect would be impossible if not for my brace at the moment. I need to go see the doc and figure out what's up, and why the sudden onset of severe pain. It just keeps getting worse. I shudder to think how tomorrow is going to be.
Its hard, but I'm trying hard to not aggravate it any worse then it is. And now, having to redo the laundry yet again is going to make this difficult, especially since I also have been wanting to wash my bedding for the past week now, and I'm going to have to give the dogs baths soon to get rid of fleas.
Work and personal life, bad mixing. I need to treat them more professionally, while still being friendly and more quiet about things.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Frustration Dreams
I'm having those dreams again, and its been so long since they've troubled my sleep. The frustration dreams, I call them. One where I'm trapped and can't get out of the rubble that covers me, frantically climbing the edge of the hole I'm buried in only to find that it never ends, and even if I reach the top, a chain attached to my ankle holds me before it pulls me back down again.
Or the one where I'm walking along, a blinding white light prevents me from opening my eyes, no matter how hard I struggle to do so, I can't see where I'm walking, nor can i force myself to stop following that strange, sightless path. On and on, for many miles, I walk in blindness. Terror and uncertainty my only companions. When my eyes finally open, there is nothing to see, for I am truly blind.
The last, and one that truly frightens me the most, I'm driving along, usually in a jeep or a truck. A huge wave can be seen in my rear view mirror, that I'm driving away from. Sometimes there are others in the car with me, other times I'm alone, left to ponder the fate of my friends. No matter how fast I drive, it is always there, waiting for its opportunity to claim a new victim.
Suddenly, there is always traffic, moving along on a narrow, winding road, but when a stop is required, I find I have no breaks. I hit them and nothing happens, I'm forced to watch in terror as I see the bumper of the vehicle in front of me come closer, with no way to avoid missing it without plummeting to my death off the edge of a cliff. The utter feeling of helplessness and terror takes over right before the painful moment of metal and glass colliding. I hate the accident dream. One of my biggest fears is the breaks of my car failing me, and after living this nightmare for real, its frightening to realize how accurate the mere dream was to the reality, almost like it was less a dream, and more a vision.
Another, I'm usually standing in front of a mirror, and brushing my teeth. While I do so, one tooth randomly falls into the sink. I pick it up and look at it, then noticing the golden color to it, begin to brush that tooth even though it'll never go back into my mouth.
Pain and blood feels my mouth as I feel something wrong with my jaw. I begin pulling more teeth, watching in the mirror as a few more fall out while blood pools. A quick motion of my jaw and suddenly all the rest of my teeth shatter like glass, the shards clinking rapidly as they hit the red stained porcelain.
Many times I awaken from this one with a soft yell, checking my teeth to insure they are all there. I hate thsee dreams, manifestations as they are.
Or the one where I'm walking along, a blinding white light prevents me from opening my eyes, no matter how hard I struggle to do so, I can't see where I'm walking, nor can i force myself to stop following that strange, sightless path. On and on, for many miles, I walk in blindness. Terror and uncertainty my only companions. When my eyes finally open, there is nothing to see, for I am truly blind.
The last, and one that truly frightens me the most, I'm driving along, usually in a jeep or a truck. A huge wave can be seen in my rear view mirror, that I'm driving away from. Sometimes there are others in the car with me, other times I'm alone, left to ponder the fate of my friends. No matter how fast I drive, it is always there, waiting for its opportunity to claim a new victim.
Suddenly, there is always traffic, moving along on a narrow, winding road, but when a stop is required, I find I have no breaks. I hit them and nothing happens, I'm forced to watch in terror as I see the bumper of the vehicle in front of me come closer, with no way to avoid missing it without plummeting to my death off the edge of a cliff. The utter feeling of helplessness and terror takes over right before the painful moment of metal and glass colliding. I hate the accident dream. One of my biggest fears is the breaks of my car failing me, and after living this nightmare for real, its frightening to realize how accurate the mere dream was to the reality, almost like it was less a dream, and more a vision.
Another, I'm usually standing in front of a mirror, and brushing my teeth. While I do so, one tooth randomly falls into the sink. I pick it up and look at it, then noticing the golden color to it, begin to brush that tooth even though it'll never go back into my mouth.
Pain and blood feels my mouth as I feel something wrong with my jaw. I begin pulling more teeth, watching in the mirror as a few more fall out while blood pools. A quick motion of my jaw and suddenly all the rest of my teeth shatter like glass, the shards clinking rapidly as they hit the red stained porcelain.
Many times I awaken from this one with a soft yell, checking my teeth to insure they are all there. I hate thsee dreams, manifestations as they are.
Flaring Tempers
I can feel the waves of depression and darkness beginning to rise up and devour me. No matter how much I swim through the blackened waters, waves keep forcing me from breaking above the surface of despair. It so hard to swim to the top, and when you finally do break the surface of the water, its only to find that there is no air to breath, for ice blocks your way, and the current is ever there to pull you further down again.
Real life doesn't help. .. .A broken bowl, shattered plate. . . reminds me so much of the fits where things where throw against the wall near our heads as children. It upsets me when someone can't hold their temper. The sound of things broken always send me into a nearly panicked nervousness. Another hole in another wall. . . evidence of uncontrolled rage that gets covered with plaster and paint so easily, except the imprint, and the memory always remains.
That's how it starts, too. Uncontrolled rage, unpredictable behavior. Eventually, the line gets crossed. After that, there's no turning back as the anger gets redirected toward loved ones. Overnight, you become a completely different person, doing things you never dreamed of. Anger, and temper are two things to always be aware of in any kind of a relation, personal, business, or otherwise.
Today was a bad day. I really hope tomorrow will be better.
Real life doesn't help. .. .A broken bowl, shattered plate. . . reminds me so much of the fits where things where throw against the wall near our heads as children. It upsets me when someone can't hold their temper. The sound of things broken always send me into a nearly panicked nervousness. Another hole in another wall. . . evidence of uncontrolled rage that gets covered with plaster and paint so easily, except the imprint, and the memory always remains.
That's how it starts, too. Uncontrolled rage, unpredictable behavior. Eventually, the line gets crossed. After that, there's no turning back as the anger gets redirected toward loved ones. Overnight, you become a completely different person, doing things you never dreamed of. Anger, and temper are two things to always be aware of in any kind of a relation, personal, business, or otherwise.
Today was a bad day. I really hope tomorrow will be better.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Tarrot thought
Did a couple readings a few days ago, for myself as well as my boyfriend. Interesting and accurate readings yet again. I find it rather fitting that my end card from my last reading was my beginning card for this reading.
Justice: achieving a new sense of balance: harmony. I didn't track the rest of my reading as closely as I should have, although I did understand the message it gave me. It seems that my dragons are very talkative and have much to share. I need to remember to listen to them when they wish to communicate.
I was so angry and insulted that he'd handled my cards without my permission, but after calming down and realizing it didn't ruin my cards for me as I'd feared, it turned out to be a very positive experience. It even seemed to have enhanced my cards quite a bit.
Justice: achieving a new sense of balance: harmony. I didn't track the rest of my reading as closely as I should have, although I did understand the message it gave me. It seems that my dragons are very talkative and have much to share. I need to remember to listen to them when they wish to communicate.
I was so angry and insulted that he'd handled my cards without my permission, but after calming down and realizing it didn't ruin my cards for me as I'd feared, it turned out to be a very positive experience. It even seemed to have enhanced my cards quite a bit.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Student Loan
The problem of paying student loans has been looming over me for
years. Deference have carried me through two years of unemployment, but
now I make an income and need to stop hiding from this issue.This year
I'm going to start making it a priority to get it paid off, and get the
interest down before it comes into repayment.
I am also wanting to put money in savings and actually have something there in case I need it later. Twice have I stared out the window of a friend or my mom's care, without a penny to my name and wondered what was I gonna do, how I would start over with my life.
Its frightening to be so dependent on others, and to realize how fragile your life really is. Everything can be gone in an instant, before you even know what's happening. At some point, denial no longer wonks and the reality of the situation finally starts setting in.
Its going to be hard. I don't even make minimum wage, and can only put about 300 on my bill a month, but that's better then nothing. I hope to be debt free by 2020, but if not, then so far along that I'll be debt free by 35. I don't want my thirties and forties haunted by debt.
I am also wanting to put money in savings and actually have something there in case I need it later. Twice have I stared out the window of a friend or my mom's care, without a penny to my name and wondered what was I gonna do, how I would start over with my life.
Its frightening to be so dependent on others, and to realize how fragile your life really is. Everything can be gone in an instant, before you even know what's happening. At some point, denial no longer wonks and the reality of the situation finally starts setting in.
Its going to be hard. I don't even make minimum wage, and can only put about 300 on my bill a month, but that's better then nothing. I hope to be debt free by 2020, but if not, then so far along that I'll be debt free by 35. I don't want my thirties and forties haunted by debt.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Red flags
Boyfriends. So many run through your life, tellling you what you want in a lifemate, and what you can do without and what you absoultly will not tolerate or put up with. Red flags in relationships to watch out for are big key componants to dating. Perhaps I should start listening to my own instincts on this subject.
I want one who treats me with respect. Doesn't do things just to mess with me or cuase pain, someone who stops when I tell them I find a particular action disrespectful. One who doesn't belittle me, or try to tell me that they own me. Possessiveness is a HUGE red flag for abuse.
I want one WITHOUT LIFE DRAMA! No more ex wifes still in the picture, no child drama. Or worse, current girl that they intend to move in with at a later point in life, leading to a totally frutile situatioin. Don't mind a guy with a kid.
Maturity! This one is vague, but I'm tired of passive aggressivness and the inablity to talk about problems. I hate finding myself in situations where a guy is punishing me because I make a mistake or I didn't catch what they said. I don't need a boyfriend who can't talk about an issue going on without trying to even the score and do the same thing back to someone who is doing something to them that bothers them. Revenge is another Red flag for me.
I want a guy with stablilty, a good job that pays well, and who can handle money! I'm NOT an ATM when they use up all thier cash and suddenly realize they need money for something that's actually important becuase they went out and spent 300 on somet eletronic toy they wanted. I also want a guy who will prioritize needs from wants. We need a bed, we don't need yet another pair of headphones, or another DS, laptop, or whatever other item they think is awesome that day.
I'm not into buying a new electronic just becuase the latest version came out. I don't really believe in obsolete. If something still works, its not obselte. When I buy something new, I want it to be nice, but I also want it to last for several years. Thrwoing money away on a new item every two years just isn't my cup of tea.
I hate being asked to spend my money and try to support his spending habits every week. If we're low on cash, don't go out to eat! If we need something, keep a saving account to cover those kinds of emergency expenses! A small amount will add up over time and he won't have to keep going up to people to ask to borrow money!
Credit: Be good with it. Don't just open up accounts for the sake of having a credit line. If you want one, keep it to what you can afford to pay off quickly to cut down on interest. Don't just keep racking up more and more debt.
I need a guy with a good temperment, who will treat my animal with respect. I own a dog, and people I date should be able to respect or at the very least, ignore my pup.I don't like him tormented, or shoved around when the guy is angry at me, or thrown roughly off the bed when he jumps up. I also need someone who doesn't mind going withi me for walks.
Ah, secrecty. . . I am NOT a dirty secret that needs to stay hidden. That just makes me feel worthless and unwanted. I want to be able to walk around and hold hands, and be affectionate wthout them worrying about us being seen by someone they know. Why wouldn't you want to tell your friends that you're in a relationship? Its not like I'm hideious, and I get plenty of compliments on my looks.
I think this is what hurts the most. It makes me feel like Im playing the other women and devalues the relationship immensely. Why do I even bother dating him at all?
I want one who treats me with respect. Doesn't do things just to mess with me or cuase pain, someone who stops when I tell them I find a particular action disrespectful. One who doesn't belittle me, or try to tell me that they own me. Possessiveness is a HUGE red flag for abuse.
I want one WITHOUT LIFE DRAMA! No more ex wifes still in the picture, no child drama. Or worse, current girl that they intend to move in with at a later point in life, leading to a totally frutile situatioin. Don't mind a guy with a kid.
Maturity! This one is vague, but I'm tired of passive aggressivness and the inablity to talk about problems. I hate finding myself in situations where a guy is punishing me because I make a mistake or I didn't catch what they said. I don't need a boyfriend who can't talk about an issue going on without trying to even the score and do the same thing back to someone who is doing something to them that bothers them. Revenge is another Red flag for me.
I want a guy with stablilty, a good job that pays well, and who can handle money! I'm NOT an ATM when they use up all thier cash and suddenly realize they need money for something that's actually important becuase they went out and spent 300 on somet eletronic toy they wanted. I also want a guy who will prioritize needs from wants. We need a bed, we don't need yet another pair of headphones, or another DS, laptop, or whatever other item they think is awesome that day.
I'm not into buying a new electronic just becuase the latest version came out. I don't really believe in obsolete. If something still works, its not obselte. When I buy something new, I want it to be nice, but I also want it to last for several years. Thrwoing money away on a new item every two years just isn't my cup of tea.
I hate being asked to spend my money and try to support his spending habits every week. If we're low on cash, don't go out to eat! If we need something, keep a saving account to cover those kinds of emergency expenses! A small amount will add up over time and he won't have to keep going up to people to ask to borrow money!
Credit: Be good with it. Don't just open up accounts for the sake of having a credit line. If you want one, keep it to what you can afford to pay off quickly to cut down on interest. Don't just keep racking up more and more debt.
I need a guy with a good temperment, who will treat my animal with respect. I own a dog, and people I date should be able to respect or at the very least, ignore my pup.I don't like him tormented, or shoved around when the guy is angry at me, or thrown roughly off the bed when he jumps up. I also need someone who doesn't mind going withi me for walks.
Ah, secrecty. . . I am NOT a dirty secret that needs to stay hidden. That just makes me feel worthless and unwanted. I want to be able to walk around and hold hands, and be affectionate wthout them worrying about us being seen by someone they know. Why wouldn't you want to tell your friends that you're in a relationship? Its not like I'm hideious, and I get plenty of compliments on my looks.
I think this is what hurts the most. It makes me feel like Im playing the other women and devalues the relationship immensely. Why do I even bother dating him at all?
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