memory

You can't recreate a memory.  The situation is alwaye different.  Times and emotions change. Locations are different any even the energy in the air makes the memory altered no matter how much you want it to feel the sam. Every memory you have has its own charge.

No matter how bad you feel or how much you'd like to be by yourself try to cherish the memory you create among friends. Even when the depression strikes hard. Acknowledge its presence then try to move on. Later you'll be glad you did.

Suspended Animation

I wait. . . . I wait for time to pass. I spend my life waiting for something to happen, something to change. For the next month, the next year. Eternally waiting for something new to happen, the situation to change, wounds to mend, pain to heal.

Living in suspended animation has its advantages, but they are few. No one expects much out of you, but everyone loses patience, not to mention seeing you as lazy and unmotivated. They may be right. It comes and goes, this frustration of waiting. Sometimes its nice, and you know the wait's short. Others, it seems to stretch through all eternity.

The drawbacks are too numerous to count. Waiting can be boring, and is rather uneventful.

swimming all through lhe ether

Halloween happens to be my favorite holiday of the year, but always seems to be the most difficult simultaneously. It seems so hard to enjoy the holiday season, year after meaningless year.

I have felt so disconnected lately, so out of touch with reality. Almost like im drifting through a fog and cant really see the path ahead of me. Its like I am out of sync from the people around me.

Its draining to smile everyday and put om a false face, pretend that everything is ok when it really isnt, although even I cant fully define what is wrong. I feel conflicted.

Dragon Tarot reading

A few days ago my Dragon Tarot deck came to me, covered in White Sage leaves. After a night of sleeping with it under my pillow, I opened the deck of cards and began to shuffle it, just to say hi to the deck and as I was shuffling, I found myself reflecting on my own life and a card jumped from the deck, so I laid it down and continued to shuffle. Another card feel from the deck, so I decided to see what my deck was trying to tell me. This is the reading, with the cards that jumped out as the first two in the reading. . . .


Card one. Is the present position of your life. Atmosphere you are currently working or living. It represents you.  Queen of wands. . Women of leadership,

Card two.. .is immediate influence. Which shows the nature of the influence or immediate sphere of involvement or obstacles which lie ahead. Also represents the questioner.  hanging dragon. .suspended activity or a period of delay,

Card three. . Goal or destiny. . .shows the ultimate goal or destiny of the questioner. Also indicates the best that can be accomplished based on existing circumstances. May also represent your aim or ideal within the present frame or reference.  nine of wands. .take down your barriers let others support you,

Card four is distant past foundation. .shows basic and broad events and influences upon which present events are based. Seven of wands. .cut down problems one by one. Dont let them build up and overwhelm you

Card five. . .recent past events. Shows most recent sphere of influence or events which have just past or are passing. May also represent distant past event exerting pressure on recent events. Six of wands . .victory. . .successful attainment of your objectives.

Card six. . .would be future influence. Shows sphere of influence that is coming into being in the near future in a board sense.  Two of cups. . New relationship starting or new phrase of an existing one.

Card Seven is The questioner. Shows you in your present position or attitude within the surrounding circumstances. Attempts to place u in proper perspective. Five of wands. . Hold fast to your resolve

Card eight. . .environmental factors. . .shows the questioners influence on other people and his position in life. Also reveals those tendencies and factors which exist with respect to other people who may have an effect on you. Ace of wands. . .a new initiative

Card nine represents inner emotions. Shows inner hopes, hidden emotions and secret desires, fears, and anxieties of the questioner. Includes those thoughts or influences which will come to your mind in the future.   King of cups. . An emotionally mature man,capable of giving and receiving love.

Card ten. . .final result. . .shows the culmination and results will be brought about from all of the influences as revealed by the other cards. Provided events and influences continue as indicated.    
Justice. . . Achieving a new sense of balance, harmony

This is so accurate that its eerie when I started looking up the cards and where the order fit into things. I could literally feel the energy coming from the cards during this reading, and was surprised to discover it mostly came up as fire elemental cards mixed with water. (Wands and cups, respectfully.)

So Far away

They gave me a life that's not so easy to live
And then they sent me on my way
I left my love and forgot my dreams
I lost them along the way
Those little things you say
When words mean so much
You never back down
And they all shy away
You always listen to me

And what do I get to get me through these sleepless nights?
And what do I have to hold when no one's there to hold me tight
And what do I see? the only thing that gets me through this is what I feel and I feel you

And this ain't no bed of nails
But there not roses just the same
Got this road sure can be long
Another endless day, another seven hundred miles that'll take me further from my home

Who are these songs for, you may ask? I don't really know, my friend. Probably for not just one person, but a set of those who would never read this blog anyway. Does it matter? Maybe its for you. A call, a request, a whisper, or even a scream for help.  

Watch your friends carefully, read the signs, don't just ignore them. . . . just pay attention sometimes! You never do know how much time you have to make a difference in some people's lives, and circumstances can always lengthen, or dramatically shorten that time.

Time. . . .. such a funny thing. . . flow so smoothly on, regardless of the circumstances. They say time  heals all wounds. Sometimes I say time can only heighten the pain you bare. For some, time isn't a friend, but an enemy that just ticks away steadily while we lose our way and flounder along on our own, revealing just how long we stumble around in the darkness.

Even now, as I write this, I curl up on my own dark path, wondering when the moon will break though and shed its beautiful rays upon my face. 

Unspoken words

If only time travel was possible, or if I could just escape the pain that still flows so deeply through my soul. why does it always take me so long to tell my feelings to someone. By the time I can express them its so far too late. So far too gone. How do people know that they want to marry the person they date? What prompts them to make the attempt for marriages?

How painful it is that the only guy i wanted to marry rejected me, although even I acknowledge that I deserved the rejection and should have stayed in town when he showed up. I never should have moved back to the black hole of my hometown. What was there for me? Just pain and regret, still felt so sharply so many years later.

I no longer have a plan of action for my life anymore. I'm just drifting, going through the motions. Too tired to change what's wrong, too overwhelmed to fix what's been broken. Maybe my sister is right. Maybe I am just too damaged. . .

Unemployment never felt so bad

I am very frustrated right now. I want to go out and get a job, but its so difficult when you don't have a ride and everyone tells you to go online to fill out an application. Whatever happened to the paper application? Now its so impersonal. Half the places I go to look at you like you're insane when you request an application. All of my stuff is in storage and I have another bill to pay as well. I hate not being able to cover them anymore, and I hope this fast money ritual takes effect and will enable me to get a job and keep it, one that's full time and will enable to me to pay my bills and have money left over for once.