wandering thoughts.

I wasted a long time begging for full time work. Now I'm at a job that takes longer to get to and is a lot more boring, but it's full time and more pay. Screw Casey's. I should have left it for a better position a long time ago, back when my friends all quit. Honestly I wish I'd never gotten the job in the first place. It lead to a lot of heartache and self doubt, not to mention expense, and shattered my mental health

I'm kinda done with being taken advantage of and feeling worthless. I'm only good enough for people when they can get something from me it seems.

I hope this new house works out and I can get the problems fixed without breaking the bank. I am scared of this new adventure, but looking forward to it I guess. At least it has most of the things I wanted.

Maybe I will finally have a place I can enjoy living in, instead of haunting.
Man I'm really broken and depressed and trying to think positively about my future is difficult.

Things will get better, no matter how hollow those words feel now. At least I have a job and my own home. A working car and someone who cares about me at home. SSDD shattered soul. Different decade.

Dark moon

Sometimes I don't feel like I am worth anything to anyone. I try making plans to spend time w friends and either get no answer or if I'm lucky get told it's not a good time. I'm growing weary of asking anymore. How many times do I keep getting rejected before giving up? I'm nearly to that point. It hurts to feel like I'm not worth anyone's time.

I miss the game nights. Hanging around and talking, or taking a drive somewhere random. I miss the visits which are always a welcome distraction from the monotony of daily living. I just miss my friends.

I feel worthless, tired and depressed all the time. It's hard to even find the motivation and energy to get out of bed anymore. All i want to do is sleep and pretend i dont even exist. Would anyone even miss me if i was gone? I don't think anyone would really care. "No one here likes you, they just tolerate you." How true has that statment been my entire life? is that how everyone secrectly feels about me?  
I wish this depression would dissolve and go away. Leave me in peace  where did everything in life go so horribly wrong? i dont know what to do anymore.i just keep pacing around restlessly and spend half the nights.roaming these same roads thinking of a thousand ways to end everything. End it all and stop this eternal suffering. i cant keep letting these intrusive thoughts live inside my head forever. It might not get any better in life. But it can get different. And sometimes different can be good enough to qualify as better. I desperately need things to become different then this hellscape i live in.

sis

My baby sister gonna be a cop and is still trying to take care of me. I should have taken care of her all those years. Should have known she would wind up the better of us and I should habe made every effort to ensure she was safe and could have every opportunity to succeed. I think the parents focused on the wrong kid to succeed tbh.

I am a failure. She's the good kid not me. I can't seem to do anything right. I'm so damaged and in a hellscape of my own mind.

caged up inside

No matter how many times I fight them back and lock them in their cages, the demons remain firmly entrenched within the deepest recesses of my mind. Impatiently they pace, waiting for the moment of weakness to force themselves through the barriers so carefully placed around them. Once again ready to renew their endless rampage within my soul.
I'm so exhausted from fighting them all the time. So tired.

Soul Shards

I need to travel into my soul, find all the broken shards, and forge them back together without getting cut into ribbons again. its time to fix this depression and anxiety that has plagued me for so many years. Its getting so much harder again.


you can reforge any soul no matter how shattered you feel. some puzzles just take a little longer to put together then others. its a journey you have to take inside yourself if you truely want to heal. Carry the wounds and let them seal back together again. I truely wish it didn't hurt as much as it does to do it. I have to believe in myself. No one else is going to fix me for me. I have to put myself back together again, sooner rather then later before I lose whatever sanity is still floating around in this weary soul.

hidden in the deep dark

When locked in a coffin, it takes around five and a half hours to suffocate to death. There are plenty of graveyards around. I guess there is a way to dispose of your own body after all if you really wanted to disappear. Who's going to go looking for you in a place dead people are already buried?
 Dead and perfectly hidden all at the same time. That's some pretty freaking twisted and maladaptive thinkng. I shouldn't be thinking about that right now.
What a fucked up dream to prompt this idea. Sometimes the bad intrusive thoughts rolling aorund in my head frighten me. PA

Alone

I don't feel good anymore. So stressed and exhausted and no one to talk to. Its really lonely when you look around for a shoulder to cry on and suddenly realize there are none but your own. I look at the food in my cabinet and think to myself I'd rather starve then eat this. I have no interest in things anymore, not even my favorite hobbies. Im so burned out and feeling a such profound exhasustion.

I think I'm getting worse. The depression has been well out of hand lately. Medicating isn't helping, esp when you stop taking them. I might as well not even start them again since i lost medical insurance. I don't think they really helped anyway

I'm tired of feeling so depressed. So vague and so empty and dead inside. Maybe I really just am too toxic for other people. I mean really? Who wants to be around someone who routinely slices their own arm or leg? Who wants to be around this depression and self hate? No one. No one should have to deal with me and my demons. an echo of a ghost haunting this exhausting life anymore. i just want to feel like myself again, even if that self is engulfed in paim and dispair. at least id be me. i just want to feel like I matter and even exist, because I dont right now.