Restless

I need a change. I'm tired feeling so worthless and upset all the time. I hate my job. It's just another brick wall I'm endlessly pounding my head against. No matter what I do it will never be good enough.

This is one of those nights when even my demons need a break. I should just stop torturing myself and try to go to sleep but I'm too restless. I think that therapist was right. She's not the right one to try and treat me. At least she was smart enough to recognize that fact.

Just a crack in this house of glass.

People in my life wish that I would open up and trust them by talking to them. That's one of the most difficult things to do. Hell, I go to a therapist who gets paid to listen to this type of shit and I still have trouble bringing myself to talk about my problems. Trusting someone else with the shit inside my head is so difficult. No one wants a tour through this tortured mind.

I've been so fucked up for so long I don't know any other way to be. This is my normal. I used to be able to handle it on my own, but its been getting more difficult with each passing year.

How do you tell your friends that you are depressed and suicidal, and been dealing with those issues your whole life? That you honestly feel like you'd be better off dead and the world wouldn't even notice your absence? No one wants to hear that I feel worthless and like I will never amount to anything. I've been staring so long into the void that I wave when it started gazing back at me. the shadow self where the blackest thoughts come from is always lurking in the back of my mind.

That's one of the biggest reasons why I don't make any long term plans in my life. I never think I'm going to be alive long enough to follow through with them. Hell I never planned to live this long. 30 was not an age I expected to obtain, and now I'm 33. Hard to believe.

 

Prozac doesn't work

 I feel suspended in pain and anguish again. I tried to trust someone and he betrayed me. How does one trust someone who's already proven they are willing to cheat and lie about your relationship with them? Has he been lying to me the entire time we were dating as well?

Nowadays I feel empty. Dead inside. No one to talk to. All my days are long and listless. I have no energy to do anything. I don't like living like this. I don't want to live alone and feel rejected and lonely. I don't want to live with this pain anymore.

I finally reached out. Asked for help, and they gave me medication to take. It doesn't do much. Except make me feel sickly and dissociative. Like I'm not even here anymore. I don't matter. I don't really exist. Maybe I'm a figment of my own imagination. Just a ghost who filters through the mind. When does the pain of this existence end? I'm a prisoner inside myself. the demons have taken over. But nobody knows. Doubt anyone even cares.

Heartache

Just once. I want to go to bed without feeling worthless and depressed. Without constantly turning the day over in my mind and not thinking of what I should have said or done differently.

Just once I don't want to regret my choices and my actions. I would just like to rest.

This is a rough night. There's nothing actually wrong at the moment. I just feel horrible. Depression sucks. Its like having a constant companion with you all the time that you'd rather never have met, but can't get rid of.

It whispers things in your ear you don't want to hear. So often and so many times that you slowly begin to wonder what's actually true anymore. All my faults, mistakes and failings are always roaming through the back of my mind.

Does anything I do with my life even matter?

dark night of the soul

My soul is tired. My heart is heavy, and my mind is full of sadness.

I have to try to find a way out of this feeling of utter emptiness. Tonight's pain is soul crushing and makes me wonder for the millionth time why I even try at this game called life. So full of pain both physical and emotional.

Nothing good in my life ever lasts. So fleeting and quick to end. So many memories twinged with the sadness of a loss of something I never had to begin with. I'm so tried of these thoughts and memories that wander through my mind in the deepest of the dark nights.

Cuddling with my demons

Brick by brick, stone by stone. Its time to rebuild those walls to hide the pain within, and allow it to only shine back upon myself, where it belongs. Buried deep, don't let them know how much you're hurting.

Don't let them see the emotions that rage within. No more tears. They don't change anything. Nothing ever will. I seem resigned to follow this same pattern the rest of my life. Just once, I'd like to look forward to the holidays and not have something like this hanging over me and making me hate the idea of the next year to come.

t Pain and my demons seems to be the only constant companions that I can trust.

musings

Often I feel like nothing I do is good enough. I can't keep boyfriends, jobs, or homes I live in. Do I just unintentionally set myself up for failure every time, or just that horribly unlucky?

 I feel like I'm walking on thin ice that's already started to crack around my feet with each step I take. If I stand still, I'll fall through, but every step poses the danger of having the ground shatter around me and plunging into the icy depths anyway.

Just once, I'd like to know what my plans are for the next few months, or hell even the next year. Nothing is settled or stable. I've been drowning in the sea for so long. Even this sheltered respite is coming to an end, leaving me isolated and alone again.

So tell me friends, where do the most lonely of us go to feel like we belong somewhere aside from the void? What keeps me going when all I want is for everything to end?