Heartache

Just once. I want to go to bed without feeling worthless and depressed. Without constantly turning the day over in my mind and not thinking of what I should have said or done differently.

Just once I don't want to regret my choices and my actions. I would just like to rest.

This is a rough night. There's nothing actually wrong at the moment. I just feel horrible. Depression sucks. Its like having a constant companion with you all the time that you'd rather never have met, but can't get rid of.

It whispers things in your ear you don't want to hear. So often and so many times that you slowly begin to wonder what's actually true anymore. All my faults, mistakes and failings are always roaming through the back of my mind.

Does anything I do with my life even matter?

dark night of the soul

My soul is tired. My heart is heavy, and my mind is full of sadness.

I have to try to find a way out of this feeling of utter emptiness. Tonight's pain is soul crushing and makes me wonder for the millionth time why I even try at this game called life. So full of pain both physical and emotional.

Nothing good in my life ever lasts. So fleeting and quick to end. So many memories twinged with the sadness of a loss of something I never had to begin with. I'm so tried of these thoughts and memories that wander through my mind in the deepest of the dark nights.

Cuddling with my demons

Brick by brick, stone by stone. Its time to rebuild those walls to hide the pain within, and allow it to only shine back upon myself, where it belongs. Buried deep, don't let them know how much you're hurting.

Don't let them see the emotions that rage within. No more tears. They don't change anything. Nothing ever will. I seem resigned to follow this same pattern the rest of my life. Just once, I'd like to look forward to the holidays and not have something like this hanging over me and making me hate the idea of the next year to come.

t Pain and my demons seems to be the only constant companions that I can trust.

musings

Often I feel like nothing I do is good enough. I can't keep boyfriends, jobs, or homes I live in. Do I just unintentionally set myself up for failure every time, or just that horribly unlucky?

 I feel like I'm walking on thin ice that's already started to crack around my feet with each step I take. If I stand still, I'll fall through, but every step poses the danger of having the ground shatter around me and plunging into the icy depths anyway.

Just once, I'd like to know what my plans are for the next few months, or hell even the next year. Nothing is settled or stable. I've been drowning in the sea for so long. Even this sheltered respite is coming to an end, leaving me isolated and alone again.

So tell me friends, where do the most lonely of us go to feel like we belong somewhere aside from the void? What keeps me going when all I want is for everything to end?

Six feet from the edge . . .

So many nights spent alone in this apartment. Sometimes I feel like it is just practice for my inevitable future. No matter how many roommates, brief relationships, or how many friendship I cultivate through the years, I always end up alone and isolated.

Sometimes I wonder how much it would take to let go of this survivor's instinct and take the headlong plunge into the abyss. . . .


So many people are so against it. How bad do things have to get before contemplation turns into attempt, and attempt into success? How much willpower those people had to fight the baser instinct of survival to complete their goal of self inflicted death.

Every man, women, and child is born upon this earth doomed to die. Date and method of execution unknown. Its not the best idea to try and hurry the inevitable along. I have to constantly remind myself to take it one day at a time. Enjoy the little pleasures that I have. Spend time with those around me who make this life worth living, and find a few moments' peace whenever I can. Some days are a lot easier then others though.

Love and loss

I need to build a wall around my heart. This hurts way more then I thought it would. Gotta stop developing feelings for those I can't have. These old pangs don't get any easier no matter how familiar they become.

Pretty soon I'll again be alone. Perhaps it's time to just get used to my own company. Don't seem to be worth other people's time and attention beyond a few months.

Right now it just hurts. I guess you can get used to anything after a while though.

Brick by brick, stone by stone. Build the walls so they can't see the pain that flourishes within.

How many times I've swollowed back these same bitter tears

Potential

How many years its been since high school. How stupidly optimistic I was back then. How much everything has changed, and yet stayed the same. Same town, same depression.
So many years. So much potential back then. Some many failures since. SSDD

Every move, every venture failed. Now I wander these streets, wounded and defeated. I want to work out again. I want the strength in my arm back. Not to struggle to lift the simplest things, or to feel pain every time I Put pressure on my knee.

How many more failures am I destined for? How many more tries do I have left in me?