Love and loss

I need to build a wall around my heart. This hurts way more then I thought it would. Gotta stop developing feelings for those I can't have. These old pangs don't get any easier no matter how familiar they become.

Pretty soon I'll again be alone. Perhaps it's time to just get used to my own company. Don't seem to be worth other people's time and attention beyond a few months.

Right now it just hurts. I guess you can get used to anything after a while though.

Brick by brick, stone by stone. Build the walls so they can't see the pain that flourishes within.

How many times I've swollowed back these same bitter tears

Potential

How many years its been since high school. How stupidly optimistic I was back then. How much everything has changed, and yet stayed the same. Same town, same depression.
So many years. So much potential back then. Some many failures since. SSDD

Every move, every venture failed. Now I wander these streets, wounded and defeated. I want to work out again. I want the strength in my arm back. Not to struggle to lift the simplest things, or to feel pain every time I Put pressure on my knee.

How many more failures am I destined for? How many more tries do I have left in me?

Familiar pains.

How many times I've wandered back and fourth down the same streets, gazing at the same sites. Wondering how much lighter the world would be if I wasn't actually in it. Some of my darkest hours have been spent wandering these streets, full of loathing and hopelessness.


What's on your mind? The mocking question FB asks every day. Some things are better locked away into the deepest recesses, never to be shared. But sometimes those things build up, screaming to be released into the ether.


Everyone, no matter how tough, angry, or brave they act like on the outside, have a breaking point on the inside. It hurts knowing how fragile your current situation in life is. So easy for everything that you have to shatter around you, leaving you with bloodied fingers as you attempt to pick up the pieces.


Sometimes this life feels like it's not so bad. Others it seems the most unbearable.

Trail of tears

Bruised bloody and broken I wander down this long and lonely path. A trail of blood tracing behind. These sensations I keep locked away, deep inside where the pain is still raw and powerful, screaming within my mind.

I hurt. Every day is a battle that I fight silently, trying to not show just how deep it goes. How hard it is to wake up and find the motivation to move. What motivates me you ask? I don't even know anymore.


Maybe the real answer is pain. It motivates me to fight through it, to keep it from consuming my mind and soul. It makes me want to live in spite of it. Because of what I've seen, what I've done and what I've been through.

I just wish it wasn't so hard. i wish i didnt feel so worthless.

Voiceless screams

I know it is not true, but I struggle with feeling worthless. I feel like I just exist in other people's lives. A ghost who drifts in and out without a word, and ultimately, with no impact. I wonder if I mean anything to anyone anymore, or if i ever will.


  I have no roots. Just a drifter. wandering with the wind. I'm so tired of the journey. Sometimes I just want the painful passage of days to end. It hurts to think of the past. Brings tears to my eyes to contemplate the future. I feels so lost and so hopeless


So much pain weighs heavily on my heart and mind. I feel like I don't matter to anyone. I know its not true, but my friends are scattered to the four winds. Many I'm no longer in contact with. The lines go both ways, but I feel like I shouldn't make the call, b/c I worry that I'll bother them, or be too inconvenient.


Just ONCE i want to belong, without a doubt. I want to feel safe and secure. wanted and loved, not just tolerated for the duration.

I am just one voiceless scream among millions. Why should anyone care about me or give a damn if I live or die? Why can't I get over these feelings of hopelessness and despair?

My entire life is shattered, leaving me to once again cut myself as I pick up the pieces, wincing as the blood flows through my fingers. I may never be whole again. Maybe I never really was. Maybe I just pretended for a very long time, and managed to halfway fool a lot of people. I'm so tired of pretending. I'm so tired of this seething pain that festers daily in my mind and soul.

Do I matter to anyone at all?

Home coming

The only home I've ever known as a child involved pain, loneliness, and isolation. Terror fear and shame from my abuse. That sums up the vast majority of my childhood. Abuse at the hands of my parents, terror of the screaming fights and constant aching loneliness as my companion.


Hawaii was wonderful. Even with my depression and insecurities haunting me, I was happy there. I had a few good jobs, a couple terrible ones, and i had the most awesome roommates in Mel and Nelson. they where amazing. It wasn't perfect, but its one of the best homes I've ever lived in. It actually was a home. Full of people who cared about my well being and accepted me as I was.

Chalice circle was a weekly heaven of friends and fellowship. I felt safe and secure, loved and respected.

Now that's all gone with my exile from the safe haven. I'm lost in this isolation and loneliness, living with someone who makes me feel worthless and usually hated. I  work a job that I hate and makes me feel inadequate, nursing a painful injury in my arm and back that keeps me from working out properly or regularly.

I guess its safe to say I've come home. It would have been better to be homeless on the beach then in this apartment. Wish I'd never come back to this hell hole. Wish I could just disappear from here as easily ad I did from Hawaii.

Failed.

I"m tired of failing at life so badly. Its horrible that the happiest I've been was living out of a duffel bag and sleeping on a couch. Now I live in an apartment with an explosively angry man and I'm miserable, surrounded by negativity and depression. All the nice stuff he does don't make up for how horrible he is when he starts screaming and cussing at me.

I"m so tired of being depressed, feeling defeated and trapped.