Woodworking

I like working with wood. Turns out it has a soothing effect on me. Found a large tree branch from a Hawaiian nut bearing tree and was going to make runes from it, but after whittling away the bark and revealing the beautiful blue patterns under it, I now can't bring myself to cut it up for runes.

Friend asked if I was making a wand and I told him the thought had crossed my mind, then confessed I almost didn't want to cut it up at all. Apperently he had the same idea. For some reason I get the sensation my mini staff reminded him of a friend of his.

This rune project of mine may well have turned into a mini staff project instead. Maybe I'll find a stone to put on it and carve runes into it instead, and find another piece of wood to create runes from. Maybe a smaller piece from the same tree will serve better. This one seems to have given me other plans.

I kinda want to get my hands on some rainbow Ecualptus tree branch, as well as some more of the Kukui nut tree. Making runes and wands out of the branches and even staffs is another excellent avenue to explore. Esp since it really didn't take me too long to do and its something I enjoy. Almost a way to mediate. I do however, need to learn to sharpen my knife if I start this up. Branches are free to pick up.

No one wants a tour through this tortured mind. . .

Lets see. Had I stayed in IL, it occurs to me that I would not have gotten any further treatment for my condition other then the initial hopsital visit, which I even argued with my mother about going to that night.

I'd have probably died there. One night or day just started hemoraging agian, and this time with no one there to help, frightened and alone. I knew I was in trouble for over an hour that night and I never called to my mother. Never texted anyone, and never made any phone calls. I was paralysed from doing so, even though I pulled out my phone several times with full intentions of doing so. I just couldn't.
I just realized that tonight. I ignored my rapidly failing health for months before I hemmoraged, and i knew there was a problem for years before that. Ignored the ever increasing pain on my left side except when it demanded my full and outright attention to the point I had to stop myself from crying out from it.

The truth is that I don't want to live out my life alone. I don't mind so much dying alone, or of blood loss or whatever tramatic event occurs that ends my life. I know I"m going to die. I don't fear that thought.

I don't want to die as wasted potential. I always thought by this point in my life I'd have someone. Perhaps not marraige, but a steady and stable relationship. Sad that the closest thing I have to that is a 15 year friendship with a gay man who's married to his partner. Hell I even thought I'd have a kid by this stage, even though I usually took precautions to avoid that.

There was once one whome I would consider having children with. Even if I wanted them, that option was stolen at a young age. Hell, I played with fate for over a year to see if I would be able to get pregnant, and It never happened. Sometimes, much as I'd rather not admit it, the idea that I could be barren from my earlier abuse pains me deeply. More then I care to admit to anyone. Its so much easier to act as though I don't care. But to have the option not even be availalbe to me hurts way more then I ever expected. i always wanted a daughter, and hoped for twins.

But no use crying over what can't be. Its better just to close the idea of that off from my mind. I can barely take care of myself anyway at this point. Bringing a child into it would only make things harder, and be unfair both to myself, the child, and everyone else around me.

Rock Bottom

 Rock bottom is a place no one really wants to be at. At the time it sucks and you're sitting there gazing around you as you realize that this is it, rock bottom. You feel worthless,  everything is hopeless. Its a terrible position to be in when it occures.

 Being at rock bottom literally makes you reach deep inside yourself and find out what strenght and fortitude you truely possess, and then have to use it. But on the same token, no matter where you go from there in life, its a better situation then what you were previously in, and it makes you appreicate it more when you rise above that point and actually start doing better.

Being at rock bottom gives you no where to go but up. There is no other direction to go. You either improve or at this point you wind up dead, by your own hand or another's, depending on the circumstances.

I've hit so many rocks in my life. Literally and figuritively, and more then once in my life. Its never been due to drugs or alcohol though. Usually just a series of bad luck, and I wind up having to move on, relocate, and usually losing my job or my home. I've been homless twice in my life, literally pitching a tent for shelter and using a fire for warmth and food. Its actually not so bad, but I prefer the comfort of a home.

My life feels like a series of failures. But those expeirences, those failures are what forged me into the person that I am today. No matter how hard you crash and burn, its the ability to raise from the ashes and fly again that matters. dont give up.

Everything's fine. . .

I keep hearing the question everyday anymore. "Are you alright?" "Are you good?" So much concern in thier eyes when they ask. So much worry.

I don't even know how to respond. Becuase no, I'm not good. Not by a long shot. However, I can't explain what's bothering me, why my mood is so jacked lately. I can't bring myself to get excited about role playing, the fire ceromony I asked for, or even the water healing ceromony that's coming up this weekend.

This is one of those days when I don't have the strenght to pretend I'm ok. Becuase I'm not, and I'm so exhausted of faking it. Exhausted in so many ways. I told my friend ealier this week I was good and he playfully called me a liar. He just has no clue how right he actually was.

I'm tired of lying, so now just tell them nothing, or that I don't want to talk about it. Living with empaths means that they know somethings wrong, even if they don't push me to talk to them about it. I just don't know what to say, except to ask for a hug. Yet I hesitate to even ask that much.

I suffer a prison of my own mind, poisioned by depression and pain. I can't muster up the energy to break these chains right now. I need to rest and recover.

Workouts are rough.

How is it that a series of such simple movements done in the course of an hour create so much pain and soreness? My muscles are still aching. Its not like I've slacked off while he's been gone with the workouts either! If anything, he'd probably be upset if he knew how much I used the barbell without him there to spot me. I do need him to spot me on that combo exersie though. I nearly dropped it on that last set, and that would have been a bad day. I gotta be more careful about it. Breaking a rib or my colarbone due to stupidity would set me back way further then just using the lower weights will while he's gone. Esp with these new intense workouts, I really can't go up in weight right now like I wanted.

 Hell, maybe it was the extra twenty pounds on the barbell that is messing with me more then the workout itself. That was a dumb move on my part. I should have known better, since 60 pounds gives me problems on the bicep curl. Its gonna take time to build strenght.  I just need to stop getting impatient with it.

I like the new workouts though. They are kinda rough while we do them, but at least I know these ones are working. I'm kinda glad he brought these home with him and is willing to share them with me.

I kinda love it. I am actually starting to feel and see a difference in my biceps and waist. Slowly but surely I'm slimming down. I kinda wish the results where faster. I've been seriously thinking about trying it, or at least some sort of calisthenics workout in the morning. No idea what exactly I'd do at this point though. I guess the first step to that would be to actually wake up in the morning though, and to go to sleep at night. Sometimes I feel kinda guilty about sleeping so late that he comes home and offers me coffee to wake me up.

I gotta figure out what the hell's wrong though. I can't keep walking around feeling like a zombie due to this inability to eat normal amounts of food. I don't get it. I feel hungry, all the time anymore. I can't eat. I eat food and I feel repulsed or sickly. Yet I constantly feel light headed, exhausted, and even hungry from not eating. Coffee, water, and the protien shakes are the ONLY things that don't affect me like that, and beef for some strange reason. I ate the steak no problem. I ate the beef the other day, no issue. If I had the money, I'd just buy a good quality meal replacement shake until whatever this is goes away so I don't wind up starving all day. Only reason I finished the pizza today was I was so hungry I just didn't care if I got sick on it.

Whatever it is, I gotta fix it. I can't keep doing this. Its not healthy. I wanted to work on portion control, not go overboard with it! 3 to 5 bites per meal is not enough food. Even I know that much. I don't know.  I know it was the salty taste of the meat in the turkey meatloaf that set me off today. I need to start keeping track of what I'm eating and see if there's a correlation to what's in the food and how I'm feeling. Maybe something specific is setting off my inability to eat properly.

Doubt. . .

Tonight I feel. . well I don't even know how I feel.

Its odd. Sitting here looking at my friends list, both on FB and my phone, thinking of my friends from high school and beyond. All the ones back There. Can't even call it home, as I never felt like I belonged back in IL, not even really in Portage either. Even when I was living in my own place.

Now I feel as though I don't have anything else to say to the majority of those people I used to be friends with. 16 years of friendship. So much torn into pieces. I've drifted so far apart.

I have been mulling some things over in my head. Some things don't make sense, and there's no one I can talk to.

I worry sometimes. About the future.

Wandering thoughts.

Thoughts are roaming my head in waves again, in the mist of tracing my family. .

My roommate offered me his car while he was gone, but I feel terrible about using it, and so haven't. I like to fill the gas tank when I take someon else's car, and I really can't afford to do that, so I hesitate to even drive it right now. I know he doesn't expect it to have any gas when he gets home, but using it without the ability to take care of it and do something as simple as fill the tank for him makes me feel terrible.

Maybe I should use it though, and go on a job search while he's away. And then what happens when he gets back though? I need a job around here that I can walk to work, or at least take a short bus trip to, but that really limits where I can look for a job around here.

This is starting to depress me again. I hate being out of work so long. It makes me feel like a loser.  I need to work. I don't feel complete if I don't have a job to complain about and go to. Hell I just want to get paid so I don't feel like I'm free loading.

I need to start putting in honest effort at making an income again. I'd like to start paying my bills again, and be able to contribute again. Helping with cleaning and watching kids only goes so far for so long.

Last thing I want to do is lose my roommates' respect.