Everything's fine. . .

I keep hearing the question everyday anymore. "Are you alright?" "Are you good?" So much concern in thier eyes when they ask. So much worry.

I don't even know how to respond. Becuase no, I'm not good. Not by a long shot. However, I can't explain what's bothering me, why my mood is so jacked lately. I can't bring myself to get excited about role playing, the fire ceromony I asked for, or even the water healing ceromony that's coming up this weekend.

This is one of those days when I don't have the strenght to pretend I'm ok. Becuase I'm not, and I'm so exhausted of faking it. Exhausted in so many ways. I told my friend ealier this week I was good and he playfully called me a liar. He just has no clue how right he actually was.

I'm tired of lying, so now just tell them nothing, or that I don't want to talk about it. Living with empaths means that they know somethings wrong, even if they don't push me to talk to them about it. I just don't know what to say, except to ask for a hug. Yet I hesitate to even ask that much.

I suffer a prison of my own mind, poisioned by depression and pain. I can't muster up the energy to break these chains right now. I need to rest and recover.

Workouts are rough.

How is it that a series of such simple movements done in the course of an hour create so much pain and soreness? My muscles are still aching. Its not like I've slacked off while he's been gone with the workouts either! If anything, he'd probably be upset if he knew how much I used the barbell without him there to spot me. I do need him to spot me on that combo exersie though. I nearly dropped it on that last set, and that would have been a bad day. I gotta be more careful about it. Breaking a rib or my colarbone due to stupidity would set me back way further then just using the lower weights will while he's gone. Esp with these new intense workouts, I really can't go up in weight right now like I wanted.

 Hell, maybe it was the extra twenty pounds on the barbell that is messing with me more then the workout itself. That was a dumb move on my part. I should have known better, since 60 pounds gives me problems on the bicep curl. Its gonna take time to build strenght.  I just need to stop getting impatient with it.

I like the new workouts though. They are kinda rough while we do them, but at least I know these ones are working. I'm kinda glad he brought these home with him and is willing to share them with me.

I kinda love it. I am actually starting to feel and see a difference in my biceps and waist. Slowly but surely I'm slimming down. I kinda wish the results where faster. I've been seriously thinking about trying it, or at least some sort of calisthenics workout in the morning. No idea what exactly I'd do at this point though. I guess the first step to that would be to actually wake up in the morning though, and to go to sleep at night. Sometimes I feel kinda guilty about sleeping so late that he comes home and offers me coffee to wake me up.

I gotta figure out what the hell's wrong though. I can't keep walking around feeling like a zombie due to this inability to eat normal amounts of food. I don't get it. I feel hungry, all the time anymore. I can't eat. I eat food and I feel repulsed or sickly. Yet I constantly feel light headed, exhausted, and even hungry from not eating. Coffee, water, and the protien shakes are the ONLY things that don't affect me like that, and beef for some strange reason. I ate the steak no problem. I ate the beef the other day, no issue. If I had the money, I'd just buy a good quality meal replacement shake until whatever this is goes away so I don't wind up starving all day. Only reason I finished the pizza today was I was so hungry I just didn't care if I got sick on it.

Whatever it is, I gotta fix it. I can't keep doing this. Its not healthy. I wanted to work on portion control, not go overboard with it! 3 to 5 bites per meal is not enough food. Even I know that much. I don't know.  I know it was the salty taste of the meat in the turkey meatloaf that set me off today. I need to start keeping track of what I'm eating and see if there's a correlation to what's in the food and how I'm feeling. Maybe something specific is setting off my inability to eat properly.

Doubt. . .

Tonight I feel. . well I don't even know how I feel.

Its odd. Sitting here looking at my friends list, both on FB and my phone, thinking of my friends from high school and beyond. All the ones back There. Can't even call it home, as I never felt like I belonged back in IL, not even really in Portage either. Even when I was living in my own place.

Now I feel as though I don't have anything else to say to the majority of those people I used to be friends with. 16 years of friendship. So much torn into pieces. I've drifted so far apart.

I have been mulling some things over in my head. Some things don't make sense, and there's no one I can talk to.

I worry sometimes. About the future.

Wandering thoughts.

Thoughts are roaming my head in waves again, in the mist of tracing my family. .

My roommate offered me his car while he was gone, but I feel terrible about using it, and so haven't. I like to fill the gas tank when I take someon else's car, and I really can't afford to do that, so I hesitate to even drive it right now. I know he doesn't expect it to have any gas when he gets home, but using it without the ability to take care of it and do something as simple as fill the tank for him makes me feel terrible.

Maybe I should use it though, and go on a job search while he's away. And then what happens when he gets back though? I need a job around here that I can walk to work, or at least take a short bus trip to, but that really limits where I can look for a job around here.

This is starting to depress me again. I hate being out of work so long. It makes me feel like a loser.  I need to work. I don't feel complete if I don't have a job to complain about and go to. Hell I just want to get paid so I don't feel like I'm free loading.

I need to start putting in honest effort at making an income again. I'd like to start paying my bills again, and be able to contribute again. Helping with cleaning and watching kids only goes so far for so long.

Last thing I want to do is lose my roommates' respect.

Random late night thoughts

Sometimes he hits a little too close to home when he speaks. I do sell myself short, and I don't talk about my craft and what I do to others. There are even some things that I don't talk to him about, although he knows far more then most people.

Where did this lack of confidence in myself come from anyway? I used to not worry about things. I used to just go out and do stuff, not care about what other thought. Now I worry I'll let people down by taking over circle.

I know my stuff. I know what I'm talking about, but I hate being the center of attention. Even just talking I find myself floudering if I notice people are actually paying attention to what I'm saying, esp if I have everyone's attention. I always dealt with it in high school by just talking off the cuff, and about the most random stuff. Not sure that's going to fly at circle. Guess I'll find out next week.

 I need to start generating an income agian or things are going to get very bad, very quickly. Doing tarrot. Seems everyone is wanting me to do it. Wish I knew my cards better, but hey the best way to learn is to do.

Dark reflections

Pain and passion, fire and ice.

Do they see me for who I really am? This tired, weary soul that travels along life's way. Full of pain and doubt, hidden behind the smile.

My time seems spent, and my energy is gone. Pain swells through my body with every breath. Sometimes I wonder if I was meant to return from the bifrost, to this consciousness. Life is a gift, but often bittersweet. Perhaps I live on stolen time now.


Love, passion, commitment. Stablility and security. These things elude me, felt for such a short time before it shatters all around me, leaving me wounded and alone more often then not. How often I've stared into the mirror wondering if I had the strenght to continue along this road, gazing out of windows in deep dispair, regretting the choices that had brought me there.

My heart aches for what its been denied. The future stretches before me, black and empty. No plans, no hopes, and no dreams. The only concrete thing that stays with me through the years is this constant companion of pain and depression.

Late night musings.

Am I a failure? Did I somehow miss something about life that other people where able to pick up on? I don't have a job, can't ever seem to find one easily. Others can look and find jobs immediately. I struggle.

It hurts to admit that I can't find a job, and when I can find an interview, I always manage to mess it up somehow. Its my own fault. Health problems aside. . . How do you forget about a job interview and certification class? Am I somehow sabatoging myself? I wish I'd been able to do the class the first day I went.

Getting to any kind of job is going to be difficult unless I can work around their schedules, or find a way to afford my own vehicle somehow. Its so frustrating. I feel like a failure the longer time elaspes before I find employment.

I need a bit of a change. Working for our company is great and has provided a huge boost in my confidence, but I still need to be able to pay the bills.