Frustration Dreams

 I'm having those dreams again, and its been so long since they've troubled my sleep. The frustration dreams, I call them. One where I'm trapped and can't get out of the rubble that covers me, frantically climbing the edge of the hole I'm buried in only to find that it never ends, and even if I reach the top, a chain attached to my ankle holds me before it pulls me back down again.

Or the one where I'm walking along, a blinding white light prevents me from opening my eyes, no matter how hard I struggle to do so, I can't see where I'm walking, nor can i force myself to stop following that strange, sightless path. On and on, for many miles, I walk in blindness. Terror and uncertainty my only companions. When my eyes finally open, there is nothing to see, for I am truly blind.

The last, and one that truly frightens me the most, I'm driving along, usually in a jeep or a truck. A huge wave can be seen in my rear view mirror, that I'm driving away from. Sometimes there are others in the car with me, other times I'm alone, left to ponder the fate of my friends. No matter how fast I drive, it is always there, waiting for its opportunity to claim a new victim.

Suddenly, there is always traffic, moving along on a narrow, winding road, but when a stop is required, I find I have no breaks. I hit them and nothing happens, I'm forced to watch in terror as I see the bumper of the vehicle in front of me come closer, with no way to avoid missing it without plummeting to my death off the edge of a cliff. The utter feeling of helplessness and terror takes over right before the painful moment of metal and glass colliding. I hate the accident dream. One of my biggest fears is the breaks of my car failing me, and after living this nightmare for real, its frightening to realize how accurate the mere dream was to the reality, almost like it was less a dream, and more a vision.

Another, I'm usually standing in front of a mirror, and brushing my teeth. While I do so, one tooth randomly falls into the sink. I pick it up and look at it, then noticing the golden color to it, begin to brush that tooth even though it'll never go back into my mouth.

Pain and blood feels my mouth as I feel something wrong with my jaw. I begin pulling more teeth, watching in the mirror as a few more fall out while blood pools. A quick motion of my jaw and suddenly all the rest of my teeth shatter like glass, the shards clinking rapidly as they hit the red stained porcelain.

Many times I awaken from this one with a soft yell, checking my teeth to insure they are all there. I hate thsee dreams, manifestations as they are.

Flaring Tempers

I can feel the waves of depression and darkness beginning to rise  up and devour me. No matter how much I swim through the blackened waters, waves keep forcing me from breaking above the surface of despair. It so hard to swim to the top, and when you finally do break the surface of the water, its only to find that there is no air to breath, for ice blocks your way, and the current is ever there to pull you further down again.

Real life doesn't help. .. .A broken bowl, shattered plate. . . reminds me so much of the fits where things where throw against the wall near our heads as children. It upsets me when someone can't hold their temper. The sound of things broken always send me into a nearly panicked nervousness. Another hole in another wall. . . evidence of uncontrolled rage that gets covered with plaster and paint so easily, except the imprint, and the memory always remains.

That's how it starts, too. Uncontrolled rage, unpredictable behavior. Eventually, the line gets crossed. After that, there's no turning back as the anger gets redirected toward loved ones. Overnight, you become a completely different person, doing things you never dreamed of. Anger, and temper are two things to always be aware of in any kind of a relation, personal, business, or otherwise.

Today was a bad day. I really hope tomorrow will be better.

Tarrot thought

Did a couple readings a few days ago, for myself as well as my boyfriend. Interesting and accurate readings yet again. I find it rather fitting that my end card from my last reading was my beginning card for this reading.

Justice: achieving a new sense of balance: harmony. I didn't track the rest of my reading as closely as I should have, although I did understand the message it gave me. It seems that my dragons are very talkative and have much to share. I need to remember to listen to them when they wish to communicate.

I was so angry and insulted that he'd handled my cards without my permission, but after calming down and realizing it didn't ruin my cards for me as I'd feared, it turned out to be a very positive experience.  It even seemed to have enhanced my cards quite a bit.

Student Loan

The problem of paying student loans has been looming over me for years. Deference have carried me through two years of unemployment, but now I make an income and need to stop hiding from this issue.This year I'm going to start making it a priority to get it paid off, and get the interest down before it comes into repayment.

 I am also wanting to put money in savings and actually have something there in case I need it later. Twice have I stared out the window of a friend or my mom's care, without a penny to my name and wondered what was I gonna do, how I would start over with my life.

Its frightening to be so dependent on others, and to realize how fragile your life really is. Everything can be gone in an instant, before you even know what's happening. At some point, denial no longer wonks and the reality of the situation finally starts setting in.

Its going to be hard. I don't even make minimum wage, and can only put about 300 on my bill a month, but that's better then nothing. I hope to be debt free by 2020, but if not, then so far along that I'll be debt free by 35. I don't want my thirties and forties haunted by debt.

Red flags

Boyfriends. So many run through your life, tellling you what you want in a lifemate, and what you can do without and what you absoultly will not tolerate or put up with. Red flags in relationships to watch out for are big key componants to dating. Perhaps I should start listening to my own instincts on this subject.

I want one who treats me with respect. Doesn't do things just to mess with me or cuase pain, someone who stops when I tell them I find a particular action disrespectful. One who doesn't belittle me, or try to tell me that they own me. Possessiveness is a HUGE red flag for abuse.

I want one WITHOUT LIFE DRAMA! No more ex wifes still in the picture, no child drama. Or worse, current girl that they intend to move in with at a later point in life, leading to a totally frutile situatioin. Don't mind a guy with a kid.

Maturity! This one is vague, but I'm tired of passive aggressivness and the inablity to talk about problems. I hate finding myself in situations where a guy  is punishing me because I make a mistake or I didn't catch what they said. I don't need a boyfriend who can't talk about an issue going on without trying to even the score and do the same thing back to someone who is doing something to them that bothers them. Revenge is another Red flag for me.

I want a guy with stablilty, a good job that pays well, and who can handle money! I'm NOT an ATM when they use up all thier cash and suddenly realize they need money for something that's actually important becuase they went out and spent 300 on somet eletronic toy they wanted. I also want a guy who will prioritize needs from wants. We need a bed, we don't need yet another pair of headphones, or another DS, laptop, or whatever other item they think is awesome that day.

I'm not into buying a new electronic just becuase the latest version came out. I don't really believe in obsolete. If something still works, its not obselte. When I buy something new, I want it to be nice, but I also want it to last for several years. Thrwoing money away on a new item every two years just isn't my cup of tea.

I hate being asked to spend my money and try to support his spending habits every week. If we're low on cash, don't go out to eat! If we need something, keep a saving account to cover those kinds of emergency expenses! A small amount will add up over time and he won't have to keep going up to people to ask to borrow money!

Credit: Be good with it. Don't just open up accounts for the sake of having a credit line. If you want one, keep it to what you can afford to pay off quickly to cut down on interest. Don't just keep racking up more and more debt.

I need a guy with a good temperment, who will treat my animal with respect. I own a dog, and people I date should be able to respect or at the very least, ignore my pup.I don't like him tormented, or shoved around when the guy is angry at me, or thrown roughly off the bed when he jumps up. I also need someone who doesn't mind going withi me for walks.

Ah, secrecty. . . I am NOT a dirty secret that needs to stay hidden. That just makes me feel worthless and unwanted.  I want to be able to walk around and hold hands, and be affectionate wthout them worrying about us being seen by someone they know. Why wouldn't you want to tell your friends that you're in a relationship? Its not like I'm hideious, and I get plenty of compliments on my looks.

I think this is what hurts the most. It makes  me feel like Im playing the other women and devalues the relationship immensely. Why do I even bother dating him at all?

New Years 2014. . ..

I never thought I'd spend a New Years with someone and still feel so alone. Even dating doesn't get through the layers of isolation that I always feel this time of year. I'm 29 years old. Odd to think next year I'll be 30, and no closer to any of my life goals then I've ever been. If anything, I am further away from them all. Perhaps its time to create some new ones after all, instead of chasing ones that only grow further away.

I chose to simply float on the wind this year, as a leaf would. I wound up in Hawaii, which is a surprise. And if I where following the plan others had made for me, this would be my last days in Hawaii. I wonder how life would turn out if I went back to Chicago ? I'd see my friends again, but I don't think I'd want to stay in IL again.

Doesn't matter where I wind up. I'm miserable no matter where I go. Just a few fleeting moments of contentment, destroyed so easily by such simple words. Sometimes I just want the pain to end, perhaps at the blade of a knife, perhaps not. Pain isn't a friend, its just a constant companion I'd rather be rid of.

No one understands, yet everyone suspects. But why care anymore? Let her have him.. . its what he wants anyway. perhaps this is the lesson of the relationship, in more ways then one. . . choices that we make, much too late do we realize if they where the right ones or not, and by that time its far too late to change things for the better. . ..

Better? It doesn't get better. It just changes. .  . .It just gets different.  . .  So heres to something different in 2014. Heres to hoping to make it through to another year. 29 is such a long time to drift. . . .

memory

You can't recreate a memory.  The situation is alwaye different.  Times and emotions change. Locations are different any even the energy in the air makes the memory altered no matter how much you want it to feel the sam. Every memory you have has its own charge.

No matter how bad you feel or how much you'd like to be by yourself try to cherish the memory you create among friends. Even when the depression strikes hard. Acknowledge its presence then try to move on. Later you'll be glad you did.