Red flags

Boyfriends. So many run through your life, tellling you what you want in a lifemate, and what you can do without and what you absoultly will not tolerate or put up with. Red flags in relationships to watch out for are big key componants to dating. Perhaps I should start listening to my own instincts on this subject.

I want one who treats me with respect. Doesn't do things just to mess with me or cuase pain, someone who stops when I tell them I find a particular action disrespectful. One who doesn't belittle me, or try to tell me that they own me. Possessiveness is a HUGE red flag for abuse.

I want one WITHOUT LIFE DRAMA! No more ex wifes still in the picture, no child drama. Or worse, current girl that they intend to move in with at a later point in life, leading to a totally frutile situatioin. Don't mind a guy with a kid.

Maturity! This one is vague, but I'm tired of passive aggressivness and the inablity to talk about problems. I hate finding myself in situations where a guy  is punishing me because I make a mistake or I didn't catch what they said. I don't need a boyfriend who can't talk about an issue going on without trying to even the score and do the same thing back to someone who is doing something to them that bothers them. Revenge is another Red flag for me.

I want a guy with stablilty, a good job that pays well, and who can handle money! I'm NOT an ATM when they use up all thier cash and suddenly realize they need money for something that's actually important becuase they went out and spent 300 on somet eletronic toy they wanted. I also want a guy who will prioritize needs from wants. We need a bed, we don't need yet another pair of headphones, or another DS, laptop, or whatever other item they think is awesome that day.

I'm not into buying a new electronic just becuase the latest version came out. I don't really believe in obsolete. If something still works, its not obselte. When I buy something new, I want it to be nice, but I also want it to last for several years. Thrwoing money away on a new item every two years just isn't my cup of tea.

I hate being asked to spend my money and try to support his spending habits every week. If we're low on cash, don't go out to eat! If we need something, keep a saving account to cover those kinds of emergency expenses! A small amount will add up over time and he won't have to keep going up to people to ask to borrow money!

Credit: Be good with it. Don't just open up accounts for the sake of having a credit line. If you want one, keep it to what you can afford to pay off quickly to cut down on interest. Don't just keep racking up more and more debt.

I need a guy with a good temperment, who will treat my animal with respect. I own a dog, and people I date should be able to respect or at the very least, ignore my pup.I don't like him tormented, or shoved around when the guy is angry at me, or thrown roughly off the bed when he jumps up. I also need someone who doesn't mind going withi me for walks.

Ah, secrecty. . . I am NOT a dirty secret that needs to stay hidden. That just makes me feel worthless and unwanted.  I want to be able to walk around and hold hands, and be affectionate wthout them worrying about us being seen by someone they know. Why wouldn't you want to tell your friends that you're in a relationship? Its not like I'm hideious, and I get plenty of compliments on my looks.

I think this is what hurts the most. It makes  me feel like Im playing the other women and devalues the relationship immensely. Why do I even bother dating him at all?

New Years 2014. . ..

I never thought I'd spend a New Years with someone and still feel so alone. Even dating doesn't get through the layers of isolation that I always feel this time of year. I'm 29 years old. Odd to think next year I'll be 30, and no closer to any of my life goals then I've ever been. If anything, I am further away from them all. Perhaps its time to create some new ones after all, instead of chasing ones that only grow further away.

I chose to simply float on the wind this year, as a leaf would. I wound up in Hawaii, which is a surprise. And if I where following the plan others had made for me, this would be my last days in Hawaii. I wonder how life would turn out if I went back to Chicago ? I'd see my friends again, but I don't think I'd want to stay in IL again.

Doesn't matter where I wind up. I'm miserable no matter where I go. Just a few fleeting moments of contentment, destroyed so easily by such simple words. Sometimes I just want the pain to end, perhaps at the blade of a knife, perhaps not. Pain isn't a friend, its just a constant companion I'd rather be rid of.

No one understands, yet everyone suspects. But why care anymore? Let her have him.. . its what he wants anyway. perhaps this is the lesson of the relationship, in more ways then one. . . choices that we make, much too late do we realize if they where the right ones or not, and by that time its far too late to change things for the better. . ..

Better? It doesn't get better. It just changes. .  . .It just gets different.  . .  So heres to something different in 2014. Heres to hoping to make it through to another year. 29 is such a long time to drift. . . .

memory

You can't recreate a memory.  The situation is alwaye different.  Times and emotions change. Locations are different any even the energy in the air makes the memory altered no matter how much you want it to feel the sam. Every memory you have has its own charge.

No matter how bad you feel or how much you'd like to be by yourself try to cherish the memory you create among friends. Even when the depression strikes hard. Acknowledge its presence then try to move on. Later you'll be glad you did.

Suspended Animation

I wait. . . . I wait for time to pass. I spend my life waiting for something to happen, something to change. For the next month, the next year. Eternally waiting for something new to happen, the situation to change, wounds to mend, pain to heal.

Living in suspended animation has its advantages, but they are few. No one expects much out of you, but everyone loses patience, not to mention seeing you as lazy and unmotivated. They may be right. It comes and goes, this frustration of waiting. Sometimes its nice, and you know the wait's short. Others, it seems to stretch through all eternity.

The drawbacks are too numerous to count. Waiting can be boring, and is rather uneventful.

swimming all through lhe ether

Halloween happens to be my favorite holiday of the year, but always seems to be the most difficult simultaneously. It seems so hard to enjoy the holiday season, year after meaningless year.

I have felt so disconnected lately, so out of touch with reality. Almost like im drifting through a fog and cant really see the path ahead of me. Its like I am out of sync from the people around me.

Its draining to smile everyday and put om a false face, pretend that everything is ok when it really isnt, although even I cant fully define what is wrong. I feel conflicted.

Dragon Tarot reading

A few days ago my Dragon Tarot deck came to me, covered in White Sage leaves. After a night of sleeping with it under my pillow, I opened the deck of cards and began to shuffle it, just to say hi to the deck and as I was shuffling, I found myself reflecting on my own life and a card jumped from the deck, so I laid it down and continued to shuffle. Another card feel from the deck, so I decided to see what my deck was trying to tell me. This is the reading, with the cards that jumped out as the first two in the reading. . . .


Card one. Is the present position of your life. Atmosphere you are currently working or living. It represents you.  Queen of wands. . Women of leadership,

Card two.. .is immediate influence. Which shows the nature of the influence or immediate sphere of involvement or obstacles which lie ahead. Also represents the questioner.  hanging dragon. .suspended activity or a period of delay,

Card three. . Goal or destiny. . .shows the ultimate goal or destiny of the questioner. Also indicates the best that can be accomplished based on existing circumstances. May also represent your aim or ideal within the present frame or reference.  nine of wands. .take down your barriers let others support you,

Card four is distant past foundation. .shows basic and broad events and influences upon which present events are based. Seven of wands. .cut down problems one by one. Dont let them build up and overwhelm you

Card five. . .recent past events. Shows most recent sphere of influence or events which have just past or are passing. May also represent distant past event exerting pressure on recent events. Six of wands . .victory. . .successful attainment of your objectives.

Card six. . .would be future influence. Shows sphere of influence that is coming into being in the near future in a board sense.  Two of cups. . New relationship starting or new phrase of an existing one.

Card Seven is The questioner. Shows you in your present position or attitude within the surrounding circumstances. Attempts to place u in proper perspective. Five of wands. . Hold fast to your resolve

Card eight. . .environmental factors. . .shows the questioners influence on other people and his position in life. Also reveals those tendencies and factors which exist with respect to other people who may have an effect on you. Ace of wands. . .a new initiative

Card nine represents inner emotions. Shows inner hopes, hidden emotions and secret desires, fears, and anxieties of the questioner. Includes those thoughts or influences which will come to your mind in the future.   King of cups. . An emotionally mature man,capable of giving and receiving love.

Card ten. . .final result. . .shows the culmination and results will be brought about from all of the influences as revealed by the other cards. Provided events and influences continue as indicated.    
Justice. . . Achieving a new sense of balance, harmony

This is so accurate that its eerie when I started looking up the cards and where the order fit into things. I could literally feel the energy coming from the cards during this reading, and was surprised to discover it mostly came up as fire elemental cards mixed with water. (Wands and cups, respectfully.)

So Far away

They gave me a life that's not so easy to live
And then they sent me on my way
I left my love and forgot my dreams
I lost them along the way
Those little things you say
When words mean so much
You never back down
And they all shy away
You always listen to me

And what do I get to get me through these sleepless nights?
And what do I have to hold when no one's there to hold me tight
And what do I see? the only thing that gets me through this is what I feel and I feel you

And this ain't no bed of nails
But there not roses just the same
Got this road sure can be long
Another endless day, another seven hundred miles that'll take me further from my home

Who are these songs for, you may ask? I don't really know, my friend. Probably for not just one person, but a set of those who would never read this blog anyway. Does it matter? Maybe its for you. A call, a request, a whisper, or even a scream for help.  

Watch your friends carefully, read the signs, don't just ignore them. . . . just pay attention sometimes! You never do know how much time you have to make a difference in some people's lives, and circumstances can always lengthen, or dramatically shorten that time.

Time. . . .. such a funny thing. . . flow so smoothly on, regardless of the circumstances. They say time  heals all wounds. Sometimes I say time can only heighten the pain you bare. For some, time isn't a friend, but an enemy that just ticks away steadily while we lose our way and flounder along on our own, revealing just how long we stumble around in the darkness.

Even now, as I write this, I curl up on my own dark path, wondering when the moon will break though and shed its beautiful rays upon my face.