Unspoken words.

I hate feeling judged, and hate having my personal life being talked about like a damn soap opera. Small town drama. Small town so everyone knows every damn thing about you before you even do, and then make up the rest and pass it off as truth, no matter how much they hurt the person they are talking about.

It seems my friends back in IL have a rather low opinion of me. "when you fail we want you to be close so we can help you." Why do I often feel stabbed in the back with thier choice of words? And yet I'm a drama queen when I call them out on it. 

Why am I rambling about this? I don't know. I'm upset and have very few people to talk to. Fewer friends as the years pass who I can confide in without feeling judged. Its really hard for me to trust people with anything true and honest about myself, and I feel its been betrayed by these rumors they spread.

None of them wanted me to get on the flight to Hawaii, and I even agree I wasn't strong enough to take the stress of the flight, but I didn't want to wait until I felt better to get back. I wanted nothing more then to be in Hawaii. I got off the first plane in Seattle, and nearly broke down at the thought of having to get on another flight to get to Hawaii. I was so stressed, sick and in pain. Grabbing some food helped calm me down and stablize myself, but that second flight was sheer tourture. I didn't think it would ever end, but it finally did. I was home. . .

The amazing thing is that I can actually call this place home. For the first time in years of my life. I feel at home somewhere I am living, and its not even my house. That's just how welcoming and accepting they are of me here. And the friends back home wonder why I jumped at the chance to stay here in Hawaii instead of being back there.

Mortality

I nearly died this week. I am not suicidal, but I've had to come to terms with my own mortality. I remember in the car driving to the hospital I asked Thor for strenght to get through it. I guess he heard me as I'm still here. I had to come to terms with how fragil life is. How easily it can end, and how quickly.

It would have been easy to stay there where I was. Drifting quietly through space and time. I almost wanted to, if truth be told. There was so much pain in that silver thread connecting me back to this realm. So much anguish crippling depression, and severe pain and terror. Death would have been easy.

Living. That's what's hard.
That's where pain resides. And fear terror. Hate and anger. But its true what Nelson said too. This realm is a gift. There is beauty here too. Love, and friendships. People to care about and talk to. Good conversations, laughter and coffee. Such simple things in life are the gifts taken for granted. It's a gift we have for a short time. We are not immortal. We won't be here forever. The one thing you can't cheat or run from is death. He will collect his due on his timetable. Not ours. I didn't get lucky, I didn't cheat death. I simply wasn't on his books yet. Maybe my time grows short, maybe there are still decades left within me. One simply doesn't know for sure.

Ah. . I feel so off today. So out of it. Everything is bothering me, from the music I playing, to the sounds of a kid coloring to the silence in the house if i turn off the music. I can't even stand the energy contined in my own altar and keep having the temptation to completely empty it. Earsing. . .

My vibration is so off today. My mind feels fractured, out of sync. And another is reading mine too well. Don't know how I feel about that.

I don't think i fully came back from that realm. not this time. Soemthing stayed behind and i keep drifting off trying to find it. I need to come back, snap out of this. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I want to stop taking that medications. I don't like the way they make me feel together.

Visions through blood.

Have you ever bled out to the point that you felt like your body was on fire? I have. On the 20 of january. With every rush of blood I lost, I could feel my strength weakening. My life pouring out of me.

It felt like it was too thin and I was growing terrified.  I was terrifed as I couldn't call for help. Those who I wanted to reach out to where too far away to do anything. I knew this time was different but feel back to old habits. Always before I could wait it out and it would calm down. Showers usually helped and I was desperate to clean up the mess.

I tried it. I remember the water hitting my skin. But standing up was a terrible idea. Pain immediatly traveled through my stomach to my head, slamming through me with every heartbeat as I realized I completely lost my vision in my right eye. That scared me more than anything as I wondered if the blindness would be permanent. I remember starring at my hand and seeing nothing.

My mind screamed for help, but I couldn't make a sound. Then I was no longer there. I drifted above the realms. Seeing the bifrost spread below me and all through me with my left eye. I had a birds eye view of all 9 realms. I floated above the pain and panic. No vision in my right eye didn't bother me here.

The air around me shimmered with the colors of the rainbow, mostly greens, blues, purple and gold  and some red orange. Some colors I can't even describe and had never seen before. I was at peace and untouched by anything. I could see all the realms and the tree of life and it was peaceful, quiet. I don't know how long I drifted there. My grip on this realm was so fragil. I could feel it slipping away, and could see other souls below me. Some even waved.

Strong muscular arms wrapped around my body, pressing me against a man's chest. I was unconcerned with who exactly he was. It didn't seem to matter. He dwarfed my body, and I couldn't even wrap my fingers around his wrist. He held me while I drifted in the other realm, gazing over everything. He ran his hand down the side of my face and restored my sight, then I felt his hand over my stomach, easing the pain and fire burning there with his touch.

He had golden eyes, the color of liquid Honey. They shimmered with vast knowledge and power. I was in awe of the force of it, and his size. He was extremely beautiful. Once I caught the full force of his gaze I was unable to look away, and our minds connected.

He wandered my mind, reading my memories and thoughts and unlocking every corner, every action or word spoken. Nothing remianed hidden from his gaze. It wasn't intrusive strangely enough, almost like an old friend slipping by for a visit. He didn't dwell on anything terrible, but slipped it off to the side. His mind was a vast landscape of thought and feelings, multitudes contained within.  Heartbeats sounding in my head from where he pressed me against his chest. I wish i could listen to that sound again it was soothing. I think we spoke but i don't recall the conversation well. Choices made and a promise kept. . that much i'm sure of.

Wasn't sure if I wanted to wake back up. That silver thread back pulsed with pain, with terror, and panic. Blindess could have been awiting on the other side. I don't really know. It was difficult, but I woke back up. Had to force myself to remeber where I was or what happened. For a few moments I was so confused. Water was raining on me and I felt so tired and cold. I wanted to go back to sleep. I was on the shower floor, but didn't remember laying down. Mom was threatening to call an ambulance if I didn't move. The amount of blood was shocking. My body was burning from the inside out. Everything hurt.

I never felt so weak before. I could hear people speaking clearly all night in the hopsital. I kept drifting in and out of consciousness, and eventually forgot the information they kept asking me. Forgot my own name, or why I was even there. Couldn't answer the simplest questions and started saying I don't know. Talking was a struggle and it took all my willpower to summon the strength to move around when I was asked to. At one point I just couldn't move and told them so.  I've never felt so vulnerable or so afraid. The nurse didn't leave me alone hardly at all, which was a comfort.

One of the nurses held my hand, my mother my other arm. They held me down when I tried to sit up when the doctor started his exam. I think I may have passed out at that point. I don't remember anything else of it. Just that it was abruptly over. I don't even know if they did the ultrasound the doc kept mentioning.

Birthday

Sitting in my car in below freezing temperatures with a warm cup of coffee in my hand, and this is the first time since I was dropped me off here that I have felt comfortable and relaxed.

I see the thread of where I would fit back into this town spread out before me. So frayed . . . and the more my friends try to convince me to stay, the more distance I want to put between myself and them.

I'm not happy here. I never was aside from a few brief moments here and there. It would be a mistake to attempt to move back here.

Oh I wouldn't break. I'm too strong for that. But this place shatters confidence. It seeps under your skin and drains your energy. I see it in people's eyes. Hope comes here to die, slowly and painfully.

I don't know what opportunities will present themselves in Hawaii, or fully how staying w them would turn out. But I'd much rather take my chances in Hawaii then stay here where I already know how the story plays out.

I only hope I don't have to wait long for a phone call and that plane ticket to manifest.

Welcome home sanitarium

This is no good. I'm nearly to the point of begging my roommate for a plane ticket home. The 18th can not come soon enough. I don't even care about my stuff anymore. I should not have come back here except to empty my storage shed and drive away with it somewhere else. This was a mistake coming here.

I almost moved back to this black pit of despair this month. How the hell do people stand living here under the oppressive energy surrouding this town?

I nearly ditched the car trying to drive to moms house. The thought that if they hadn't asked me to move in with them then I would be living here at that house. We stayed in a hotel room because he can't handle my moms and I couldn't handle my friends house.

 I have half a mind to call my roommate just to get the reassurance that he is bringing me back to Hawaii. Maybe just hearing his voice would help calm my nerves and make this place more bearable. Too bad it's three am and I doubt he'd appreciate my timing. I hope he calls on the 15 like he said he would.

Guess I will settle with listening to music and lighting a candle right now. At least it takes my mind off things. And the cat coming in here helps too. I can feel the comforting vibrations of her purring.

I want to be back on the road, heading home. For once I have a place I can confidently call home.

Coming here confirmed every worry, fear, and doubt I had about living here. I will never be able to thank them enough for opening their home up to me.