Unspoken words

If only time travel was possible, or if I could just escape the pain that still flows so deeply through my soul. why does it always take me so long to tell my feelings to someone. By the time I can express them its so far too late. So far too gone. How do people know that they want to marry the person they date? What prompts them to make the attempt for marriages?

How painful it is that the only guy i wanted to marry rejected me, although even I acknowledge that I deserved the rejection and should have stayed in town when he showed up. I never should have moved back to the black hole of my hometown. What was there for me? Just pain and regret, still felt so sharply so many years later.

I no longer have a plan of action for my life anymore. I'm just drifting, going through the motions. Too tired to change what's wrong, too overwhelmed to fix what's been broken. Maybe my sister is right. Maybe I am just too damaged. . .

Unemployment never felt so bad

I am very frustrated right now. I want to go out and get a job, but its so difficult when you don't have a ride and everyone tells you to go online to fill out an application. Whatever happened to the paper application? Now its so impersonal. Half the places I go to look at you like you're insane when you request an application. All of my stuff is in storage and I have another bill to pay as well. I hate not being able to cover them anymore, and I hope this fast money ritual takes effect and will enable me to get a job and keep it, one that's full time and will enable to me to pay my bills and have money left over for once.

From the mind of the abused. . . .

Those who seek out the role of Victim disgrace those who have had the role thrust upon them. For unlike the seeker, true victims emerge from life as Heroes.

There are terrible things in this world that happen to good people, even children. No one wants to think about it, or think that maybe their neighbor could be hurting their kids, late at night behind closed doors. What a nightmare to find out that the man you once respected and loved, called brother even could have been a monster to his own kids, and you didn't see it. . . .or worse. ..  you suspected and found something amiss, but never dug deeper to find out the truth of the matter.

I wonder if that idea plays guilt onto their minds at all? Its a terrible thing when the people who are supposed to love and protect you wind up being the very monsters that you need the protection from. Fortunately many children do get it, and are removed from the situation, but by the time it becomes so obvious to others that something is amiss, the damage has already been done.. . 

And you are damaged after that. There's no magic wand that can be waved to make the pain go away, or to make the memories disappear. Even those who manage to block it out and develop amnesia eventually have to deal with those underlying issues. Its such a difficult thing, learning to trust in the world again after such a betrayal has occurred, especially at such a young age. Its a rough lesson in life everyone learns, but to be robbed of a normal childhood and for it to be one of the first lessons to be taught, makes the rest of life a little tougher.

Yeah, it was damaging. Many times I think I'm over it. Other times, late at night, the reality of the memories seep into the mind and the dwelling begins. Did I do something to encourage it? Why me? Why did I stay silent for so long? This could have been different. . . I should have said stop it long before. . .and on and on the list goes. 

The demons crowd around in the mind, wreak havoc on sleep and energy patterns. Depression now looms on the horizon, no desire to do anything productive. . . Fake it till you make it. I guess is what they say.

No trust in the world, no trust in men. You have to take it one day at a time, and do what you can to get through until the light returns and banishes the darkness. Sometimes it takes nothing more then a friendly smile, an open hand, or a welcoming face. What few friends you do let in become more important then ever before. 

Trust, so easily it shatters, so slow to build.

Flux Frustration

I don't like not knowing what's going to happen in the future. So much is up in the air right now and nothing is set in concrete. I can't save money up like I want, and I can't afford to move if I have to like my sister wants. If i knew it was a sure thing, i would just start sending stuff back, but I don't want to do that if I find out I can stay here longer, so now everything is in a flux and nothing is certain.

I prefer to know for sure what is going to happen, but I know I and my sister can't afford the cost for me to get back, and I'd rather move out of here and into somewhere local for a while and build a cash flow, and actually be able to go back with more then just enough to get there. I also need somewhere to stay.

I can't believe out of all the people I interviewed for, I can't get a position as a live in anywhere. No one's serious about actually hiring a nanny. I need a better paying job, and I need to do something about this situation soon. I'm out of time.

Darkness rises

You know sometimes I become very afraid of that night.  I fear that maybe the night will never end, which would be ok, except this particular night does not have any moon. Even as I start at the sky and see it turning blue, this thought keeps running through my head.

its a night that no one remembers.  Maybe you dream and maybe you don’t.  maybe the scarcest thing of all is that you know what is going on and that the day will never begin again and the moon will never shine for you. what if that is what dying is about?  Maybe it is death, just eternal blackness.

It is one reason why i never like laying alone in a darkened room.  Thoughts and memories that haunt me will sometimes creep out when the lights go out and i find myself alone.

i sometimes have dreams where i can not see. that it is too bright for me to open my eyes, and all i see is a bright blinding white light.  that dream frightens me more then i can deal with. i hate it even more because it happens to me when i am trying to actively wake myself up from sleep.  that is usually followed by a feeling that i am fighting for air and am trying to swim to the surface of the water, and yet the harder I try to get to the surface, it is always just out of my reach.  i can see where the water is and i can break the top with my fingers, but getting my head to surface requires too much energy. Eventually I cease to even struggle and just float there, under the murky depths, never breaking the surface.

why am i telling you this?  i do not know.  maybe it is so i don’t go to sleep yet. because even as I sit in my now darkened room and contemplate going to bed, the light from the computer screen provides me comfort. I once was asked why i go to bed when the sun comes up, and this may be the answer.  i do it because i can not stand to sleep at night by myself in an empty bed. if i go to bed during the day, there is light outside and i can open my eyes and see, so its not so bad.

Another good song

Staying in my room

So here I am on a fine Monday evening, staying in my room after my sister gets on my case for things I didn't even do. Anything that's wrong in her life is of course my fault. Can't be that she's too lazy to do things right the first time and we have dogs who are notorious for knocking over and laying on her clean clothes when she leaves them on the couch. But of course, its my fault they are knocked over and no longer folded neatly, because she left them there the past four hours and didn't take care of them.

Whatever. Why I even try to hang out in the living room is beyond me. You'd think I'd learn my lesson. I think its seriously time to think about moving out on my own, too bad the means to do so are beyond me at the moment. Ah well, maybe the job interview will turn out in my favor.

Depressed Darkling's Thoughts

A lot of my friends in my new area don't really know this, although I think a couple are beginning to suspect, but I've a rather lonely and depressed being. I need somewhere to vent this idea and frustrations out, without the judgement that comes from family who read or hear about this.

Being a depressed individual is a lonely business, not to mention frustrating and maddening to those around you. No one wants to hear that you're having a bad day, or that you're in a bad mood. The only proper answers to respond to the question "how are you" is "I'm fine." or "Pretty good, yourself?" We throw these generic answers our like a shield around us of good feeling to create a false bubble around us that everything's fine, even if it isn't.

You just can't say, "Its been a terrible day," or "I'm really annoyed and angry right now and standing here in front of you simply to get away from the drama at home." No one really cares how you really feel, they just want to feel good that they can show empathy by asking you. Its a shock when you tell them the truth, because then they feel obligated to try and help you, or at least respond and listen to your problem for a moment, and let you vent, which makes them terribly uncomfortable. (Which is really therapeutic in itself.) Go ahead, try it sometime, just tell a random stranger the truth if you're having a shitty day and watch em squirm.

But anyway, I guess its really my fault that I"m lonely. That's what happens when you burn your bridges. I don't make excuses for my depression, because its been a part of my life for so long that its what I know and am used to. If this bothers you, feel free to move on to someone else's happy go lucky blog.

This is not a blog for the vast majority of the public. Its going to be comprised of many random depressing thoughts that run through my head during the day, and as well as the problems and frustrations  I struggle with. I don't want therapy, b/c this is going to be my way of reaching out and getting my own therapy. I also don't want my family and many close friends to figure out who this is, because I don't want to hear their judgement and disparaging remarks on my subject material.

Most people keep a blog of their happy moments, of things they want to share. They want to keep the positive out there and forget that there are negative aspects of life out there. Well, this blogs going to bash those idea down.

Venting makes people feel better sometimes, and this is what it is. I invite you to vent in the comments if you're having a bad day as well, but keep your judgement and your prejudice of me to yourself. Its my blog. If you don't like it, don't read it. No one's forcing you to sit here through my "childish whining."