Poisoned silence

I just realized why i shut down and never talked about what happened to me. i was afraid if anyone confronted him he would come back and do something worse. silence felt safer. it was protection. I also lost my own confidence and trust in my own preceptions of everyone else around me. i quit trusting my own judgement of people. Hell i even tried to push Brice away. He dealt with way to i gotta learn to trust myself and others again. brice said i could have told him. i couldnt even react the day it happened or any other for months afterwards. I've just been dispondant and profoundly depressed. the scream in the shower i never explained to brice was the first time I could even voice any reaction to it. something inside my head simply fractured and broke that day. its taking so long to heal becasue i threw everything on ice and refused to acknowledge or deal with it until it boiled over this summer. some pain is just impossible to hide away inside uour mind, no matter how hard you want to try. beice said staying silent about the attack is why Im so messed up and hurt now. i think hes right. I never intended to ever tell anyone about that attack. i wanted it to simply fade into oblivion. secrects dont stay that way forever. Eventually, they come to light. Im sick of staying silent and not processing everything that happened to me. I want to finally heal, and remember what it feels like to not walk around feeling dead inside all the time.