Cuddling with my demons

Brick by brick, stone by stone. Its time to rebuild those walls to hide the pain within, and allow it to only shine back upon myself, where it belongs. Buried deep, don't let them know how much you're hurting.

Don't let them see the emotions that rage within. No more tears. They don't change anything. Nothing ever will. I seem resigned to follow this same pattern the rest of my life. Just once, I'd like to look forward to the holidays and not have something like this hanging over me and making me hate the idea of the next year to come.

t Pain and my demons seems to be the only constant companions that I can trust.

musings

Often I feel like nothing I do is good enough. I can't keep boyfriends, jobs, or homes I live in. Do I just unintentionally set myself up for failure every time, or just that horribly unlucky?

 I feel like I'm walking on thin ice that's already started to crack around my feet with each step I take. If I stand still, I'll fall through, but every step poses the danger of having the ground shatter around me and plunging into the icy depths anyway.

Just once, I'd like to know what my plans are for the next few months, or hell even the next year. Nothing is settled or stable. I've been drowning in the sea for so long. Even this sheltered respite is coming to an end, leaving me isolated and alone again.

So tell me friends, where do the most lonely of us go to feel like we belong somewhere aside from the void?

Six feet from the edge . . .

So many nights spent alone in this apartment. Sometimes I feel like it is just practice for my inevitable future. No matter how many roommates, brief relationships, or how many friendship I cultivate through the years, I always end up alone and isolated.

Sometimes I wonder how much it would take to let go of this survivor's instinct and take the headlong plunge into the abyss. . . .


So many people are so against it. How bad do things have to get before contemplation turns into attempt, and attempt into success? How much willpower those people had to fight the baser instinct of survival to complete their goal of self inflicted death.

Every man, women, and child is born upon this earth doomed to die. Date and method of execution unknown. Its not the best idea to try and hurry the inevitable along. I have to constantly remind myself to take it one day at a time. Enjoy the little pleasures that I have. Spend time with those around me who make this life worth living, and find a few moments' peace whenever I can. Some days are a lot easier then others though.

Love and loss

I need to build a wall around my heart. This hurts way more then I thought it would. Gotta stop developing feelings for those I can't have. These old pangs don't get any easier no matter how familiar they become.

Pretty soon I'll again be alone. Perhaps it's time to just get used to my own company. Don't seem to be worth other people's time and attention beyond a few months.

Right now it just hurts. I guess you can get used to anything after a while though.

Brick by brick, stone by stone. Build the walls so they can't see the pain that flourishes within.

How many times I've swollowed back these same bitter tears

Potential

How many years its been since high school. How stupidly optimistic I was back then. How much everything has changed, and yet stayed the same. Same town, same depression.
So many years. So much potential back then. Some many failures since.

Every move, every venture failed. Now I wander these streets, wounded and defeated. I want to work out again. I want the strength in my arm back. Not to struggle to lift the simplest things, or to feel pain every time I Put pressure on my knee.

How many more failures am I destined for? How many more tries do I have left in me?

Familiar pains.

How many times I've wandered back and fourth down the same streets, gazing at the same sites. Wondering how much lighter the world would be if I wasn't actually in it. Some of my darkest hours have been spent wandering these streets, full of loathing and hopelessness.


What's on your mind? The mocking question FB asks every day. Some things are better locked away into the deepest recesses, never to be shared. But sometimes those things build up, screaming to be released into the ether.


Everyone, no matter how tough, angry, or brave they act like on the outside, have a breaking point on the inside. It hurts knowing how fragile your current situation in life is. So easy for everything that you have to shatter around you, leaving you with bloodied fingers as you attempt to pick up the pieces.


Sometimes this life feels like it's not so bad. Others it seems the most unbearable.

Trail of tears

Bruised bloody and broken I wander down this long and lonely path. A trail of blood tracimg behind. These sensations I keep locked away, deep inside where the pain is still raw and powerful, screaming within my mind.

I hurt. Every day is a battle that I fight silently, trying to not show just how deep it goes. How hard it is to wake up and find the motivation to move. What motivates me you ask? I don't even know anymore.


Maybe the real answer is pain. It motivates me to fight through it, to keep it from consuming my mind and soul. It makes me want to live in spite of it. Because of what I've seen, what I've done and what I've been through.

I just wish it wasn't so hard.

Voiceless screams

I know it is not true, but I struggle with feeling worthless. I feel like I just exist in other people's lives. A ghost who drifts in and out without a word, and ultimately, with no impact. I wonder if I mean anything to anyone anymore.


 I've been in so many different places that when people ask where I'm from I never know what answer I'll give them at any moment. I have no roots. Just a drifter. wandering with the wind. I'm so tired of the journey. Sometimes I just want the painful passage of days to end. It hurts to think of the past. Brings tears to my eyes to contemplate the future. I feels so lost and so hopeless


So much pain weighs heavily on my heart and mind. I feel like I don't matter to anyone. I know its not true, but my friends are scattered to the four winds. Many I'm no longer in contact with. The lines go both ways, but I feel like I shouldn't make the call, b/c I worry that I'll bother them, or be too inconvenient.


Just ONCE i want to belong, without a doubt. I want to feel safe and secure. wanted and loved, not just tolerated for the duration.

I am just one voiceless scream among millions. Why should anyone care about me or give a damn if I live or die? Why can't I get over these feelings of hopelessness and despair?

My entire life is shattered, leaving me to once again cut myself as I pick up the pieces, wincing as the blood flows through my fingers. I may never be whole again. Maybe I never really was. Maybe I just pretended for a very long time, and managed to halfway fool a lot of people. I'm so tired of pretending. I'm so tired of this seething pain that festers daily in my mind and soul.

Do I matter to anyone beyond a precious few?

Home coming

The only home I've ever known as a child involved pain, loneliness, and isolation. Terror fear and shame from my abuse. That sums up the vast majority of my childhood. Abuse at the hands of my parents, terror of the screaming fights and constant aching loneliness as my companion.


Hawaii was wonderful. Even with my depression and insecurities haunting me, I was happy there. I had a few good jobs, a couple terrible ones, and i had the most awesome roommates in Mel and Nelson. they where amazing. It wasn't perfect, but its one of the best homes I've ever lived in. It actually was a home. Full of people who cared about my well being and accepted me as I was.

Chalice circle was a weekly heaven of friends and fellowship. I felt safe and secure, loved and respected.

Now that's all gone with my exile from the safe haven. I'm lost in this isolation and loneliness, living with someone who makes me feel worthless and usually hated. I  work a job that I hate and makes me feel inadequate, nursing a painful injury in my arm and back that keeps me from working out properly or regularly.

I guess its safe to say I've come home. It would have been better to be homeless on the beach then in this apartment. Wish I'd never come back to this hell hole. Wish I could just disappear from here as easily ad I did from Hawaii.

Failed.

I"m tired of failing at life so badly. Its horrible that the happiest I've been was living out of a duffel bag and sleeping on a couch. Now I live in an apartment with an explosively angry man and I'm miserable, surrounded by negativity and depression. All the nice stuff he does don't make up for how horrible he is when he starts screaming and cussing at me.

I"m so tired of being with losers all the time. Its easier to stay single then it is to try and date. I'm tired of being depressed, feeling defeated and trapped.

Misery

I was happy in Hawaii and wished I'd have stayed there. Now I haunt IL again with only the hope of obtaining a better paying job so I can move out on my own. Roommate's addiction is going to result in him coming home to an empty apartment,

I'm killing myself working a terrible shift b/c I can't find anything better. I want the job I put in for. I want one that I can work normal hours and make a good paycheck, and that I won't lose due to an car accident, or other freak of nature event.


Hell who am I kidding? I know what I want and I'll remain single the rest of the my life b/c I can't find a single available man who fits the bill. I might as well give up on the idea.

I'm so depressed. I hate this town. I hate this life and I don't want to be here anymore. Why didn't I just die last year when I hemorrhaged. Why all this suffering and pain?

every time I try to improve my circumstances something comes along and sabotages it. I just for once want a break. A decent job, my own place that I don't have to fight with anyone over and a way to enjoy my life and try to deal with being lonely.

I wish I'd have swallowed my pride and asked a friend if I could live with him. At least I'd still be in Hawaii with my previous job and able to make ends meat. Not sitting here hurting and in pain.

ghost

One more day until the haunting of Hawaii is officially concluded. I'm a ghost who filters from one place to another, merely a series of memories in other peoples' minds.

I think I'll miss our conversations and coffee with Nelson the most. The sense of being welcomed and accepted, and the fact that I could share anything with him without worrying about being judged or gossiped about behind my back.

Leaving here hurts more then I can even put into words. I've finally felt like I belonged somewhere. Like I had a home, and saying home didn't put the taste of ash in my mouth like it has for years before meeting them.

I am going to miss my friends, and I hate leaving circle. So many good people

Now it is all gone, and I won't have them around anymore. No more easy conversations, shared coffee, or the easy way we could curl up around the hookah and just talk. I'll miss the random conversations and easy laughter, circle meetings, and magic games.