Random late night thoughts

Sometimes he hits a little too close to home when he speaks. I do sell myself short, and I don't talk about my craft and what I do to others. There are even some things that I don't talk to him about, although he knows far more then most people.

Where did this lack of confidence in myself come from anyway? I used to not worry about things. I used to just go out and do stuff, not care about what other thought. Now I worry I'll let people down by taking over circle.

I know my stuff. I know what I'm talking about, but I hate being the center of attention. Even just talking I find myself floudering if I notice people are actually paying attention to what I'm saying, esp if I have everyone's attention. I always dealt with it in high school by just talking off the cuff, and about the most random stuff. Not sure that's going to fly at circle. Guess I'll find out next week.

 I need to start generating an income agian or things are going to get very bad, very quickly. Doing tarrot. Seems everyone is wanting me to do it. Wish I knew my cards better, but hey the best way to learn is to do.

Dark reflections

Pain and passion, fire and ice.

Do they see me for who I really am? This tired, weary soul that travels along life's way. Full of pain and doubt, hidden behind the smile.

My time seems spent, and my energy is gone. Pain swells through my body with every breath. Sometimes I wonder if I was meant to return from the bifrost, to this consciousness. Life is a gift, but often bittersweet. Perhaps I live on stolen time now.


Love, passion, commitment. Stablility and security. These things elude me, felt for such a short time before it shatters all around me, leaving me wounded and alone more often then not. How often I've stared into the mirror wondering if I had the strenght to continue along this road, gazing out of windows in deep dispair, regretting the choices that had brought me there.

My heart aches for what its been denied. The future stretches before me, black and empty. No plans, no hopes, and no dreams. The only concrete thing that stays with me through the years is this constant companion of pain and depression.

Late night musings.

Am I a failure? Did I somehow miss something about life that other people where able to pick up on? I don't have a job, can't ever seem to find one easily. Others can look and find jobs immediately. I struggle.

It hurts to admit that I can't find a job, and when I can find an interview, I always manage to mess it up somehow. Its my own fault. Health problems aside. . . How do you forget about a job interview and certification class? Am I somehow sabatoging myself? I wish I'd been able to do the class the first day I went.

Getting to any kind of job is going to be difficult unless I can work around their schedules, or find a way to afford my own vehicle somehow. Its so frustrating. I feel like a failure the longer time elaspes before I find employment.

I need a bit of a change. Working for our company is great and has provided a huge boost in my confidence, but I still need to be able to pay the bills.