New year musings

I wish I could stay awake and find a job. Wish I was strong enough to look for one. Even just walking Duke leaves me utterly exhausted. I don't even look forward to the walks anymore to be honest. I know this is just a set back, but I'm starting to regret rejecting a blood transfusion when the doctor said I should get one.

I hate that this surgery is coming up. NO sense getting a job until after I recover from that. Most employers won't hire someone who is knowingly going to need time off the bat, but I need the income. Too many bills are coming up that need paid quickly, and I have no income or savings to cover them. I need the ability to stay awake long enough to work a shift though first.

Its funny. I live in a home where I sleep on the couch, with no space of my own, no real privacy except at night, and a duffle bag to hold my clothes with 98% of my stuff in stoarge, yet I feel the most welcome here then with any other roommate I've stayed with since coming to Hawaii.

I don't have to worry about Duke's safetly anymore. There's no one throwing dishes and breaking them in fits of anger. No one punching or kicking holes in the walls. No one berating me all the time and making me feel worthless. No judgements, or trash talking behind my back. And no worrying about getting punched, kicked or hit over stupid arguments anymore.

Now if only I could find a job and start helping them pay for groceries like I'm suppoed to, I'd be happy. I need to do more to help out. Sleeping most of the day does not contribute.

Imbolic

Blessed Imbolic. I'm letting this one slide by without anything done at my altar. Not a normal thing for me. Even as I look at it I have no desire to approach it, no desire to do a ritual, or celebrate the Sabbot, or even build a fire as I originally planned.

I need to take it down, cleanse it, and set it back up and recharge it. Maybe change the layout. That just sounds so exhausting to do. So it sits, cluttered at the bottom and feeling off to me. Too much stuff under it. Make me feel better to just clean that area back up. All I've managed is to rearrange the shelf of books so I can see the collection.

Extreme fatigue. I've learned the true meaning of that phase this month. No matter. At least now I have a doctor who seems to care, and is working to fix these problems.

I'm so freaking tired of Mike telling me to lower my standards and acting like finding a fucking job is a cake walk. IF It was I"D HAVE ONE! Newsflash, assholes, I WANT TO WORK! Why the hell can't I walk into an establishment and say hire me, and have someone say ok?

Why am I so deficient in making people like me on a first impression? What is wrong with me? I can go to interviews and job fairs all day long and still come home empty handed, even when I feel confident with how the interveiw went! Its so frustrating. 

Right now, I'm so sick I can't even attempt to look for a job and I have him badgering me about it. Lower your standards, find something quick, they'll pay for your degree! Fuck. Like I need to hear this shit right now. Fuck him. I have a degree. I want a job, and have been looking everywhere. Where the hell are these magical positions he seems to know so much about? Its all about who you know and I'm too shy around people to get them to open up around me like Nelson does everywhere he goes. Its a rare day when I can just walk up to someone and talk to them like we're old friends. I wish I could do that all the time!

Argh, Broke up with the asshole and he still can piss me off and make me feel worthless at the same time with one comment. I should seriously stop taking his calls. I am so done with this crap. I grasp at straws filling out applications online and hoping someone calls back. Just once, I want one lucky break to work in my favor and give me a good paying position.

Hypocalcemia and anemia. . .

I feel weaker as the days pass, not stronger. Been having siezures and muscle spams badly. This Saturday was hell. Today is too. I feel so weak and tired, dizzy since walking Duke. Even eating food she gives me doesn't make me feel better.

I'm scared and there's no one to talk to. She keeps to herself and i hate being a burden to her. I've never been this sick for this long, never felt this weak and tired. I don't know what to do anymore. I know what's wrong now but that's little comfort.

I don't know how much time I have in this world. I do know how I'm going to die, just not when. I feel like such a burden on people here, and I hated collasping in frotn of everyone at circle. I hate hositals but been there twice in one month. At least they actually looked for a problem this time around. CAT scans are difficult when you can't stop shaking. I nearly fell asleep in the machine.

I get why they called 911. Wasn't out of spite but concern.  I hate feeling so weak and tired all the time. The clearer my head gets, the more frustated I feel.

Been so exhasuted. Can't stay awake and need to look for a job. Want to workout but don't have the strenght. I don't have the time to deal with this illness. The truth is I haven't been feeling bad for months. Just never said much. Its why I got the doc appointment. I wanted them to look at the fibroids in my uterus and make sure they wheren't cuasing health problems. Now I'm beginning to wonder.