Rambling

My mind wanders in the mist of conversation and laughter. I'm distracted today although I do know why. Conversation replays in my mind from a few days ago. Cant even be offended by the truth though now can we? Why did he have to say that, and why did I admit it to him? Guess becuase its true, and I'm not good at lying. I never was.



So much more I could write tonight. Some things are just not meant to be blogged about I guess. This belongs best locked up in the darkest corners of my mind.

Circles

I almost feel as though my life isn't where it was supposed to be. A new path, forged through pain and torment, has opened ahead of me. Without thinking I wander, the purpose unknown.

Ahead only darkness, behind painful illumination. Words better left unsaid hang within memory, painful reminders of days long past. Isolation has been my path for so long. Its hard to open up and connect with others sometimes.

I came to Hawaii with nothing but the clothes on my back, and what I could pack into an army bag. I was homeless again, and at one of the lowest points in my life. Spiritually, mentally, and physcially. I left a great job earlier in the year and wandered back into a black hole. A pit of my own making, through my oaths to others. Never again do I want to ever feel that helpless. That hopeless. Spent the lsat of my money on a plane ticket to Hawaii, only able to afford half the price, the other half covered by my sister.

Damaged goods, is what she called me. I didn't feel damanged, and was insulted by the reference, but maybe in a way it was true. I hid from life, from the world, and mostly from myself. Depression and quiet solitude mostly filled my days living with her. I didn't practice anything, never drew energy, and never thought upon my craft or my future.

Suspended animation is the best way to describe life in Ewa beach. We moved here and I discovered other people, all becuase of a Cruxshadows song. Hell, maybe she saw that I needed help or just thought the music playing was cool.

Goddess harmony circle entered my life, and then later Chalic circle. Suddenly I was able to immerse myself fully into my religion, and began to read about my craft again, and grew to rediscover the peace it brings me.

Now, I have a God and a Goddess, and my roommates accept and respect me, as I do them. What more can one ask for? Maybe a job that I enjoy. That would be perfect.

Working out and stuff. . .

I've been working out for the past two weeks now, and today was abs and back. I feel so dead tired. However, I need this sensation in my life and almost welcome it. I've spent years depressed, hating my body and the fact that I have no strenght in my upper body, and very little in my lower body. I always feel self conscious. Its part of the reason I wanted to start working out at all. And the fact that he knows what he's doing makes me feel a lot more confident about working out with him. I love the discussions we get into while we are working out too, when he's inclined to talk.

Tonight was difficult for me. Last three sets I wasn't sure I'd make it to the number he suggested, but I somehow managed on all but the last one. My muscles gave out on me and pain shot through my left side, though I didn't tell him that. I just stopped at 17, instead of 20. I hated that I couldn't finish such a small number, but I don't want to hurt myself trying to do it. Next week is another chance to do it.  Oddly enough, I was shocked to discover the crunches he wanted me to do was a lot easier holding a 3 pound weight then with just my body.

I've been working out with him for two weeks, and its been kinda hard, but at the same time I feel a sense of accomplishment that I managed to get through the workout. My muscles shake and I feel dead afterwards. I push myself not only to complete them, but to try and do the same number of reps he does as well. I love doing the combination sets. Those are my favorites, even though he says I don't have to do them. It almost seems to make that set easier to do as it gives my mind and muscles something else to focus on, rather then the same activity with each set every time.

The workouts hurt sometimes. Like tonight, the left side of my abs were on fire and the rest of my body is sore, and its gonna be worse tomorrow. I almost don't want to go to bed due to it. But I'd rather go through all the pain, exhaustion and stress, becuase it means that I'm actually doing something to improve myself for once in my life. For the first time in my life, I enjoy working out. At the end of the day, I can actually look at myself in the mirror and say "Yes, I did something productive and useful today!"  I never realized how much I needed to be able to say that,
and that fact that I can feels really good.

Changing seas.

Someimtes I feel like such a burden on those around me.  Still carrying around too much baggage with my emotional problems. For the first time in a while walking around under the stars didn't have the desired effect of lifting my spirits, but made me feel lonely and empty. Past problems wandering to the surface. A pain not wanted mentioned slipped to the surface agian, now I sit and dwell for the briefest moment. I'm not out to ruin reputations or grow anger against people, but I can't hide the truth of events. It happened, the dice must fall where they land, however unfortuante.

This week feels odd. For the first time in months, I didn't deal with two-face people. Didn't have to pretend to be happy when I wasn't. Didn't have to wonder if grabbing food would cause my roommate to threaten to kick me out. Didn't worry about anything in fact. No work, no rushing to pack up and stack boxes, no wondering what new hell this day would bring. It was a relaxing day, and has been a good week.

I didn't fully realize just how bad things had gotten over there until coming here. This. .  this is nice. What being a room mate living with friends should be. Help out with cleaning when you make a mess, eating dinner together and chatting, sharing laughter that's not forced. Talking about everything and anything, sharing memories and having good converstaion. Simply enjoying each other's company and companionship.

 For the first time in months, I've spend the week eating regularly, and well. Fruit is plentiful and fresh. Well cooked meals are the norm instead of the exception. I don't have to stress out about what I'm eating will make anyone angry. I perfer this. I badly needed this. Just acceptance from the people around me. Even at home I don't always feel like I get that.

I miss my friends, and I look forward to going back, but I'm not looking forward to the stress and misery it inevitalby brings. However, I hope to bring this tranquility back with me, as well as the spark for my craft to light a fire under others, and bring them more fully into practicing thier paths, and doing rituals, now that I've seen how spiritually furfiling it is.

I hope to be a beacon for those who are Pagan, or wish to become Pagan, but feel lost as to how to do it, or are unsure of what they truely want. Just as this group provided me with many tools to take my path more fully into my hands, I hope that I can pass that favor on to others around me.

Ritual results.

Rituals are interesting things. I once did one to help me with getting a position of work. The guided meditation was to picture myself doing my work, as though I already had the job, and that it was something I did everyday. While at the time I was attempting to manifest a position of making money, being able to pay my bills, and having some extra spending cash, the line of work didn't come to mind, although I was gearing toward law enforcement at the time.

The strangest thing happened when I was charging my energy and about to release it, and it made me stop for several moments and reflect on it. I saw the image of a child staring into my eyes. A little boy, I thought at the time. . . . now in hindsight, I think my vision was trying to tell me that I would have a job as I desired, but one working with children. . which is exactly what happened. I work as a nanny for 2 gorgeous toddlers. Funny how life works out sometimes.