Samhain troubles.

What a holiday. My boyfriend seems determined to sabotage every aspect of it this month. Yesterday  he completely upturns my entire room to "clean it" and ruins my bookshelf because hes too stubborn to listen when I tell him to empty it if he wants to move it, and decides to do this 20 minutes before we are going out for the night.

Now its completely wrecked and I don't like the rearrangement as it makes me feel very crowded, and nothing is being put back right in the bookcase. His idea of fixing it is to screw it together so there are nails all over my floor and there's so much crap on the floor Im about to go insane.

Today he spends the whole day starting fights and screaming at me. I literally feel like I'm weighed down and I got to get away from this negativity.

misery loves company

I don't know how much longer I can live this lie anymore. I don't feel like I did a very good job with my life, and I dont feel like I ever did. One thing is for sure, I'm completely miserable, as usual. Why am I so determined to be miserable with the way my life is regardless of the circumstances? I seriously want to move  back to the mainland, but I know without even trying the problems of attempting to work. Regardless of where I work, I can't keep a job beyond six months, aside from nanny positions.

What the hell is it about me that's so messed up? I struggle horribly to gain employment, and on the rare occasion that my efforts prove successful, I struggle even worse to keep it. How could Jeff's abuse still be affecting my ability to function to this day? My sister believes that I am too damaged by our past to function, and my biggest fear is that she may be right.

I don't want to be like that, but I don't know what to do. I live in a hellstorm of pain that I try to keep hidden from everyone. I fully understand that I'm depressed, but I feel like I can't do anything about it. There are so many mental blocks in my head. I wish I could honestly talk to someone about this, but I don't know who to turn to without finding judgement and anger. Everyone has so many of their own problems to deal with.

Judgement

Every day just gets so much harder and harder to deal with the normal issues of life. Kids, cleaning, relationships. Just takes up so much energy and only results in frustration and stress. Usually I can handle it, but this has just been such a rough time. I don't know what to do anymore.

Where do you turn when all you have around you are fights, anger and hate directed toward and around you? No one wants to hear the problems that lay so heavily on my mind, and why should they? We all rage battle within our own souls, and its leaves little room for others' problems to invade. Only the child is unburdened.

The overwhelmed mother, over stressed and depressed father, and the boyfriend who hates them all. What a lovely family we've made for ourselves. The one thing we agree on is the child. We all love her. How fragile are the bonds that holds you to others. So easily broken and forever torn, just like my life.

What is there to see in this looking glass of life? Everywhere I turn, I get judged.

Darkling's Past

I was molested as a child by my own father, who as a teenager, I would only refer to as a sperm donor. From the time I was four, until I was 14 years old, he would wait until my mother went out to play bingo and then would bring me into his bedroom and rape me. I hated when my mother left overnight or for even longer the most. Sometimes, he would come into my room and wake me up for it.

I still vividly remember what he did to me, and how much it disgusted me after it was over. How I  hated the feeling, smell, and taste of him. So many times afterwards I'd  go to the bathroom and just  start puking and crying silently to myself.     . One thing he taught me was to never tell anyone, because I'd get into trouble is what hed say me. It took a long time for my mother to find out, and when she did, things just got so much worse.

Unfortunately for me, she only reinforced Jeff's lifelong gaslighting of not telling anyone about what went on behind closed doors by beating me in one of her infamous blackout rages. Ill never forget the look in her eyes as she attacked me that night when i tried to explain my abuse to her. I still trace the pain that flares daily down my back to that torturous night.

The punishment didn't end there. I was the scapegoat for both of them from that day forward. If something was wrong it was my fault. Jeff started smacking me in the face for the slightest offenses and mom's beatings became more brutal. After mom divorced him and moved out, Jeff's abuse was even worse and aggressive. Saying no wasnt an option. I became isolated from my friends and stopped playing outside altogether. I hated myself and him, and dreamed nightly of running away.
The night she left, i remember sitting in my room playing w my cabbage patch doll when he came in and said that I was now the wife of the house, and he meant it in every sense of the word. it really messed up my views on marriage to this day.
Now, I sit here, years later, with no idea what to do. Ever since my parent's divorce, he's always had girlfriends and/or new wives who had at least one daughter. I fear for those unknown girls. How many of them did my silence all these years allow him to do the same despicable things to? How many suffered at his hands, and if I did finally speak up, would they come forward with similar stories? Do I even want to hear them? Sisters in secret shame.

My sister made the family secret known unto our family members, her anger over it and probably her own abuse at his hands knows no bounds. Mine turns ever inward, a poison that sickens me to this very day. No one really understands why my siblings and I are so messed up, just us. Bound by bonds of twisted sickness. Our upbringing has kept my brother in and out of jail for years, my sister perpetually angry and bitter, and myself in a constant physical and emotional pain, unable to live up to my full potential. Its not something we talk about much, but the past hangs over the three of us like a shroud.

I like to pretend that I'm past it and gotten through it, but it still shows its lingering effects on my mind to this day. I gaze at other fathers with their own children and wonder why one winds up an abuser and another doesn't. The sick and twisted things that go on behind closed doors.

The other day, I saw his picture on facebook. I can't stand the sight of him. It brings up a dredge of memories I wish I'd never lived through.

A life unlived.

Staring at the train. Do I go or do I stay? Such a shame of life to waste, hanging from the thread is my new life. One ticket placed in hand, an offer from a friend. Do I stay or do I go? Who on the world am I to know?What will I ever hope to call my home?

People we meet every day, saying things they never mean. Time wasted might never return, as they move on to their next claim. But surely I'm the one to blame, for I listened as he played his game.

All the time I waste away, wondering why should I stay. So now, I shall step on this train, and face today my new beginning.

Go run, little wolf. Find someone who can keep up, for I cannot.

Watery Dreams

Strangely enough, so many of my dreams involve water it makes me wonder what they are trying to tell me exactly. Its a reoccuring theme that's been visiting my dreams for years. Hurricanes causing damage I must protect myself from, Racing huge Tsunami waves that are on the road behind me, or even attempting to swim to the surface of the water and never managing to make it before I awaken.

I've even dreamed of floating on top of water, and walking on ice as well as swimming through the ocean waters. I often wonder if its not a memory of a past life trying to break through the surface, or simply ar reflection of something that hasn't quite show me its full message. Whatever it is, its been on my mind a lot lately the past few days

Been so tired lately its difficult to stay awake. Anytime the kids are napping, I find myself joining them more and more, and its difficult to not fall into the habit of going to sleep after the work day is done. I really grow weary from all the extra hours this week. 12 hour days are rough, and Friday is going to be the toughest of them all. I am not fond of working late on Fridays, as I'm always eager to get the weekend started.. Ah well, tomorrow is another early day so its best to catch some sleep.

Hurricane update.

Well the hurricanes both fizzled out on us, and one got pushed away from the islands entirely. The weater does some pretty funny things out here in the Pacific. The Big Island once again shielded the rest of the islands from the Hurricane.

It is unnaturally hot and humid though, so I'm expecting one heck of a thunderstorm to cool everything back down. Its downright miserable outside during the day and barely tolerable at night. Its giving me a lot of extra time to think though.

I'm kinda done with trying the help out people. It seems to only blow up in my face. Either they take advantage or they give you more trouble then its even worth.

visions from animals.

Wonderful vision I had during the animal conference ritual at the last meeting. I saw myself sitting inside a volcano, lonely and dark. Kt was quickly filling with heat before the ground around me started to break up and lava poured through the cracks.

Beside me, a phoenix suddenly burst out of the ground, spinning in midair and spraying me with lava. It burned but no pain. The message he(?) Held wasn't in what was said but rather what he showed me.bursting into flame, then having the strength and will to raise up from the ash and start over, no matter how badly things get, it can always be rebuilt, and that you have to find the strength and staminia to keep goi ng, and beauty will come back out of it again.

He showed me and let me expierence his life cycle, showing me that my own life heavily mirrored a phenoix. I was shocked to find I actually started to cry, not in sorrow or shame though. It was just very powerful and moving.

I wasn't expecting any of this to come out of the ritual.

Mixing

If there is one thing I will take away from this current job, its the problem of mixing personal life with work life. Never a good idea. Sometimes, I think back on the day's conversation and review it as both an employee and a friend, and realize more often then not, that I've said the wrong thing or spoken out of turn.

They are friends who hired me as an employee, and I need to keep that in mind a little more. Being a live in nanny who actually interacts and talks to the people I work for on a daily basis is much different then the previous positions I've held, as this is the first time I don't have my circle of friends to act as a buffer between me and them. They are basically my only friends here.  I need to learn to zip it a bit and keep my conversations with them focused more on the kid.

It would help if my wrist didn't hurt so bad though. I'm finding even the simplest tasks to be nearly impossible and take  much longer then normal, such as typing..Carrying kids, changing diapers, ect would be impossible if  not for my brace at the moment. I need to go see the doc and figure out what's up, and why the sudden onset of severe pain. It just keeps getting worse. I shudder to think how tomorrow is going to be.

Its hard, but I'm trying hard to not aggravate it any worse then it is. And now, having to redo the laundry yet again is going to make this difficult, especially since I also have been wanting to wash my bedding for the past week now, and I'm going to have to give the dogs baths soon to get rid of fleas.

Work and personal life, bad mixing. I need to treat them more professionally, while still being friendly  and more quiet about things.

Frustration Dreams

 I'm having those dreams again, and its been so long since they've troubled my sleep. The frustration dreams, I call them. One where I'm trapped and can't get out of the rubble that covers me, frantically climbing the edge of the hole I'm buried in only to find that it never ends, and even if I reach the top, a chain attached to my ankle holds me before it pulls me back down again.

Or the one where I'm walking along, a blinding white light prevents me from opening my eyes, no matter how hard I struggle to do so, I can't see where I'm walking, nor can i force myself to stop following that strange, sightless path. On and on, for many miles, I walk in blindness. Terror and uncertainty my only companions. When my eyes finally open, there is nothing to see, for I am truly blind.

The last, and one that truly frightens me the most, I'm driving along, usually in a jeep or a truck. A huge wave can be seen in my rear view mirror, that I'm driving away from. Sometimes there are others in the car with me, other times I'm alone, left to ponder the fate of my friends. No matter how fast I drive, it is always there, waiting for its opportunity to claim a new victim.

Suddenly, there is always traffic, moving along on a narrow, winding road, but when a stop is required, I find I have no breaks. I hit them and nothing happens, I'm forced to watch in terror as I see the bumper of the vehicle in front of me come closer, with no way to avoid missing it without plummeting to my death off the edge of a cliff. The utter feeling of helplessness and terror takes over right before the painful moment of metal and glass colliding. I hate the accident dream. One of my biggest fears is the breaks of my car failing me, and after living this nightmare for real, its frightening to realize how accurate the mere dream was to the reality, almost like it was less a dream, and more a vision.

Another, I'm usually standing in front of a mirror, and brushing my teeth. While I do so, one tooth randomly falls into the sink. I pick it up and look at it, then noticing the golden color to it, begin to brush that tooth even though it'll never go back into my mouth.

Pain and blood feels my mouth as I feel something wrong with my jaw. I begin pulling more teeth, watching in the mirror as a few more fall out while blood pools. A quick motion of my jaw and suddenly all the rest of my teeth shatter like glass, the shards clinking rapidly as they hit the red stained porcelain.

Many times I awaken from this one with a soft yell, checking my teeth to insure they are all there. I hate thsee dreams, manifestations as they are.

Flaring Tempers

I can feel the waves of depression and darkness beginning to rise  up and devour me. No matter how much I swim through the blackened waters, waves keep forcing me from breaking above the surface of despair. It so hard to swim to the top, and when you finally do break the surface of the water, its only to find that there is no air to breath, for ice blocks your way, and the current is ever there to pull you further down again.

Real life doesn't help. .. .A broken bowl, shattered plate. . . reminds me so much of the fits where things where throw against the wall near our heads as children. It upsets me when someone can't hold their temper. The sound of things broken always send me into a nearly panicked nervousness. Another hole in another wall. . . evidence of uncontrolled rage that gets covered with plaster and paint so easily, except the imprint, and the memory always remains.

That's how it starts, too. Uncontrolled rage, unpredictable behavior. Eventually, the line gets crossed. After that, there's no turning back as the anger gets redirected toward loved ones. Overnight, you become a completely different person, doing things you never dreamed of. Anger, and temper are two things to always be aware of in any kind of a relation, personal, business, or otherwise.

Today was a bad day. I really hope tomorrow will be better.

Tarrot thought

Did a couple readings a few days ago, for myself as well as my boyfriend. Interesting and accurate readings yet again. I find it rather fitting that my end card from my last reading was my beginning card for this reading.

Justice: achieving a new sense of balance: harmony. I didn't track the rest of my reading as closely as I should have, although I did understand the message it gave me. It seems that my dragons are very talkative and have much to share. I need to remember to listen to them when they wish to communicate.

I was so angry and insulted that he'd handled my cards without my permission, but after calming down and realizing it didn't ruin my cards for me as I'd feared, it turned out to be a very positive experience.  It even seemed to have enhanced my cards quite a bit.

Student Loan

The problem of paying student loans has been looming over me for years. Deference have carried me through two years of unemployment, but now I make an income and need to stop hiding from this issue.This year I'm going to start making it a priority to get it paid off, and get the interest down before it comes into repayment.

 I am also wanting to put money in savings and actually have something there in case I need it later. Twice have I stared out the window of a friend or my mom's care, without a penny to my name and wondered what was I gonna do, how I would start over with my life.

Its frightening to be so dependent on others, and to realize how fragile your life really is. Everything can be gone in an instant, before you even know what's happening. At some point, denial no longer wonks and the reality of the situation finally starts setting in.

Its going to be hard. I don't even make minimum wage, and can only put about 300 on my bill a month, but that's better then nothing. I hope to be debt free by 2020, but if not, then so far along that I'll be debt free by 35. I don't want my thirties and forties haunted by debt.

Red flags

Boyfriends. So many run through your life, tellling you what you want in a lifemate, and what you can do without and what you absoultly will not tolerate or put up with. Red flags in relationships to watch out for are big key componants to dating. Perhaps I should start listening to my own instincts on this subject.

I want one who treats me with respect. Doesn't do things just to mess with me or cuase pain, someone who stops when I tell them I find a particular action disrespectful. One who doesn't belittle me, or try to tell me that they own me. Possessiveness is a HUGE red flag for abuse.

I want one WITHOUT LIFE DRAMA! No more ex wifes still in the picture, no child drama. Or worse, current girl that they intend to move in with at a later point in life, leading to a totally frutile situatioin. Don't mind a guy with a kid.

Maturity! This one is vague, but I'm tired of passive aggressivness and the inablity to talk about problems. I hate finding myself in situations where a guy  is punishing me because I make a mistake or I didn't catch what they said. I don't need a boyfriend who can't talk about an issue going on without trying to even the score and do the same thing back to someone who is doing something to them that bothers them. Revenge is another Red flag for me.

I want a guy with stablilty, a good job that pays well, and who can handle money! I'm NOT an ATM when they use up all thier cash and suddenly realize they need money for something that's actually important becuase they went out and spent 300 on somet eletronic toy they wanted. I also want a guy who will prioritize needs from wants. We need a bed, we don't need yet another pair of headphones, or another DS, laptop, or whatever other item they think is awesome that day.

I'm not into buying a new electronic just becuase the latest version came out. I don't really believe in obsolete. If something still works, its not obselte. When I buy something new, I want it to be nice, but I also want it to last for several years. Thrwoing money away on a new item every two years just isn't my cup of tea.

I hate being asked to spend my money and try to support his spending habits every week. If we're low on cash, don't go out to eat! If we need something, keep a saving account to cover those kinds of emergency expenses! A small amount will add up over time and he won't have to keep going up to people to ask to borrow money!

Credit: Be good with it. Don't just open up accounts for the sake of having a credit line. If you want one, keep it to what you can afford to pay off quickly to cut down on interest. Don't just keep racking up more and more debt.

I need a guy with a good temperment, who will treat my animal with respect. I own a dog, and people I date should be able to respect or at the very least, ignore my pup.I don't like him tormented, or shoved around when the guy is angry at me, or thrown roughly off the bed when he jumps up. I also need someone who doesn't mind going withi me for walks.

Ah, secrecty. . . I am NOT a dirty secret that needs to stay hidden. That just makes me feel worthless and unwanted.  I want to be able to walk around and hold hands, and be affectionate wthout them worrying about us being seen by someone they know. Why wouldn't you want to tell your friends that you're in a relationship? Its not like I'm hideious, and I get plenty of compliments on my looks.

I think this is what hurts the most. It makes  me feel like Im playing the other women and devalues the relationship immensely. Why do I even bother dating him at all?

New Years 2014. . ..

I never thought I'd spend a New Years with someone and still feel so alone. Even dating doesn't get through the layers of isolation that I always feel this time of year. I'm 29 years old. Odd to think next year I'll be 30, and no closer to any of my life goals then I've ever been. If anything, I am further away from them all. Perhaps its time to create some new ones after all, instead of chasing ones that only grow further away.

I chose to simply float on the wind this year, as a leaf would. I wound up in Hawaii, which is a surprise. And if I where following the plan others had made for me, this would be my last days in Hawaii. I wonder how life would turn out if I went back to Chicago ? I'd see my friends again, but I don't think I'd want to stay in IL again.

Doesn't matter where I wind up. I'm miserable no matter where I go. Just a few fleeting moments of contentment, destroyed so easily by such simple words. Sometimes I just want the pain to end, perhaps at the blade of a knife, perhaps not. Pain isn't a friend, its just a constant companion I'd rather be rid of.

No one understands, yet everyone suspects. But why care anymore? Let her have him.. . its what he wants anyway. perhaps this is the lesson of the relationship, in more ways then one. . . choices that we make, much too late do we realize if they where the right ones or not, and by that time its far too late to change things for the better. . ..

Better? It doesn't get better. It just changes. .  . .It just gets different.  . .  So heres to something different in 2014. Heres to hoping to make it through to another year. 29 is such a long time to drift. . . .