I never thought I'd spend a New Years with someone and still feel so alone. Even dating doesn't get through the layers of isolation that I always feel this time of year. I'm 29 years old. Odd to think next year I'll be 30, and no closer to any of my life goals then I've ever been. If anything, I am further away from them all. Perhaps its time to create some new ones after all, instead of chasing ones that only grow further away.
I chose to simply float on the wind this year, as a leaf would. I wound up in Hawaii, which is a surprise. And if I where following the plan others had made for me, this would be my last days in Hawaii. I wonder how life would turn out if I went back to Chicago ? I'd see my friends again, but I don't think I'd want to stay in IL again.
Doesn't matter where I wind up. I'm miserable no matter where I go. Just a few fleeting moments of contentment, destroyed so easily by such simple words. Sometimes I just want the pain to end, perhaps at the blade of a knife, perhaps not. Pain isn't a friend, its just a constant companion I'd rather be rid of.
No one understands, yet everyone suspects. But why care anymore? Let her have him.. . its what he wants anyway. perhaps this is the lesson of the relationship, in more ways then one. . . choices that we make, much too late do we realize if they where the right ones or not, and by that time its far too late to change things for the better. . ..
Better? It doesn't get better. It just changes. . . .It just gets different. . . So heres to something different in 2014. Heres to hoping to make it through to another year. 29 is such a long time to drift. . . .
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