I don't know how much longer I can live this lie anymore. I don't feel like I did a very good job with my life, and I dont feel like I ever did. One thing is for sure, I'm completely miserable, as usual. Why am I so determined to be miserable with the way my life is regardless of the circumstances? I seriously want to move back to the mainland, but I know without even trying the problems of attempting to work. Regardless of where I work, I can't keep a job beyond six months, aside from nanny positions.
What the hell is it about me that's so messed up? I struggle horribly to gain employment, and on the rare occasion that my efforts prove successful, I struggle even worse to keep it. How could Jeff's abuse still be affecting my ability to function to this day? My sister believes that I am too damaged by our past to function, and my biggest fear is that she may be right.
I don't want to be like that, but I don't know what to do. I live in a hellstorm of pain that I try to keep hidden from everyone. I fully understand that I'm depressed, but I feel like I can't do anything about it. There are so many mental blocks in my head. I wish I could honestly talk to someone about this, but I don't know who to turn to without finding judgement and anger. Everyone has so many of their own problems to deal with.
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