Meh

This months been kinda a roller coaster. Between antidepressants and all the side effects I have not been feeling like myself.

Either i have no energy or motivation, or I'm flying so high I can't stay still. Sleep is still hard to come by. My appetite comes and goes at random, and I can't keep the thoughts that roam my head to myself anymore.

I don't know why they care so much about me.  But I'm glad they do. I feel safe when they are around. I just wish they didn't see how depressed I am.

I wish I wasn't so messed up. I'd love to be able to just relax and enjoy life. Not have these horrible thoughts roaming through my head all the time.

images

Now I stand on a blackened plane
A flaming sword held in my hand
Dare I cut this silver thread?

The cold bite of steel caresses flesh
Pain erupts as the blade slashes through, drawing forth the river of rubies laying deep within.

Health

I guess the effects of the prozac finally faded away. The static electric feeling in the back of my head is finally gone. The old familiar torments are making their rounds tonight. Its really hard to concentrate on anything anymore. My mind feels fractured. I'm so physically tired that staying awake is difficult, even for simple tasks. All my dreams are fleeting but vivid. I wake up shaking and frightened but can't remember why.

Restless

I need a change. I'm tired feeling so worthless and upset all the time. I hate my job. It's just another brick wall I'm endlessly pounding my head against. No matter what I do it will never be good enough.

This is one of those nights when even my demons need a break. I should just stop torturing myself and try to go to sleep but I'm too restless. I think that therapist was right. She's not the right one to try and treat me. At least she was smart enough to recognize that fact.

Just a crack in this house of glass.

People in my life wish that I would open up and trust them by talking to them. That's one of the most difficult things to do. Hell, I go to a therapist who gets paid to listen to this type of shit and I still have trouble bringing myself to talk about my problems. Trusting someone else with the shit inside my head is so difficult. No one wants a tour through this tortured mind.

I've been so fucked up for so long I don't know any other way to be. This is my normal. I used to be able to handle it on my own, but its been getting more difficult with each passing year.

How do you tell your friends that you are depressed and suicidal, and been dealing with those issues your whole life? That you honestly feel like you'd be better off dead and the world wouldn't even notice your absence? No one wants to hear that I feel worthless and like I will never amount to anything. I've been staring so long into the void that I wave when it starts gazing back at me.

That's one of the biggest reasons why I don't make any long term plans in my life. I never think I'm going to be alive long enough to follow through with them. Hell I never planned to live this long. 30 was not an age I expected to obtain, and now I'm 33. Hard to believe.