Reflection

its a rare day that I need to blog and Im not sure which topic to even focus on first. this may just be random mutterings with very little focus to simply sooth my own mind so I can get things off my chest. Trying to talk about it is just making people uncomfortable and I need to stop. I dont like thinking about the past, or the summer of 2019 but i really need to force myself to if I am ever going to actually move past it and develop healthy relationships now and in the future with other folk. I dont want to keep losing friends and relationships over my mental health problems. i feel like I am getting toxic to be around while ive been dealing with this, esp with some of the things my bf has been saying. im seeing the behvaiors hes pointing out as i think about it and its making me real self conscious around everyone and completely insecure. i need to start letting go and moving on. My past is starting to eat me alive. Reflecting back on my childhood as an adult makes me realize that my entire childhood was completely unhinged, and it literally taught me to allow my boundaries being broken way more then i ever should have, and led me to ignore the red flags until it was too late. I need to stop letting it haunt me. My biggest regret is freezing up and not calling the cops back then, or telling someone else w a clear head at the time. My mind simply fractured and I disovled into myself. Thats something Im gonna have to learn to accept and live with. i feared a 2nd confrontation and didnt want to make it "real" by voicing it. hell back then I couldnt even say the words without losing time. I accidently broke the dam Id firmly built up around these issues and really wasnt ready for the sheer surge of emotions, intrusive thoughts, and fears that crashed over me so abruptly. Im struggling for air inside but I'm still want to reclaim my mental peace. i need to go back to suffering in silence. opening up might do more harm then good anymore.