Home Sweet Home = 2020 Covid came to town

 One of my major goals in life has been achieved. I've got a fairly decent paying job and had the ability to buy a house of my own. I've even been remodeling it and making it look unique.

All in all its not a bad life. Work weekeneds and off all week. Time for gaming and liesure. Visiting friends and playing Magic the Gathering in the game room. haha. I really do act like a teen i guess. Video games and Magic the gathering. Vampire the Masquerade.  

Life is a little different since covid started. I've found myself with time to myself and the ability to relax for the first time in years, since living in Hawaii in fact. I still struggle with my demons, but its managable and I haven't cut myself in a long time. Been nearly a year. Kinda proud of that.

 Even with the rest of the world changing with this Covid and restritions. My personal ife is doing better then it has in years. 

 I still deal with my demons. Doubts and fear swirl around the back of my mind daily. Some days are harder then others. Some days are easier.

 Today was a good day. Got everything cleaned and just relaxed, had fun with my boyfriend and then went shopping at wal-mart for thingsn .

I'm a littel frustrated tonight. had friends over and hung out in the basement. Its always so hard for me to get to sleep at night. insomnia just won't leave me alone no matter where I go or what I do.

Pain slips through my back daily. It hurts to walk the dog although I force myself to. I fear the day I'm incaple of walking around with my dog, or that I become too blind to.

Think positively. Thats the best approch to lifiei right now. I know I'm doing ok. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. 

Ah well. I guess its time to sleep.

ignored

Friends ignoring me and constantly fighting w my boyfriend is really beginning to wear me down. I miss people coming over who actually want to hang out with me. I miss conversations and laughter, cooking dinners and sitting by the fire.

I just miss my friends, and I'm tired of being ignored for multiple months in a row. I can continue to miss folks. I'll heal eventually and recover. It's one of the few skills my childhood taught me to do over and over again.

existance

I am sitting here, listening to angry music just to drown out the sounds of my boyfriend's angry screaming rant. I just keep thinking that I'm drowning in dispair.

Is this what the American Dream feels like? Drowning in debt and wondering if you can keep the job long enough to pay it off? I'm just trying to etch out a meager existance that I never asked for.

My boyfriend and I are fighting about everything again. I wonder how long until he gets sick of it and leaves. Rather be homeless then with me I guess. I'm getting so used the rejection I just expect it anymore. I'm so tired of the screaming, the stress, and the sheer anger he expresses.

I haven't felt this stressed and frustrated in a long time. im so exhausted and hitting my limit.