Home coming

The only home I've ever known as a child involved pain, loneliness, and isolation. Terror fear and shame from my abuse. That sums up the vast majority of my childhood. Abuse at the hands of my parents, terror of the screaming fights and constant aching loneliness as my companion.


Hawaii was wonderful. Even with my depression and insecurities haunting me, I was happy there. I had a few good jobs, a couple terrible ones, and i had the most awesome roommates in Mel and Nelson. they where amazing. It wasn't perfect, but its one of the best homes I've ever lived in. It actually was a home. Full of people who cared about my well being and accepted me as I was.

Chalice circle was a weekly heaven of friends and fellowship. I felt safe and secure, loved and respected.

Now that's all gone with my exile from the safe haven. I'm lost in this isolation and loneliness, living with someone who makes me feel worthless and usually hated. I  work a job that I hate and makes me feel inadequate, nursing a painful injury in my arm and back that keeps me from working out properly or regularly.

I guess its safe to say I've come home. It would have been better to be homeless on the beach then in this apartment. Wish I'd never come back to this hell hole. Wish I could just disappear from here as easily ad I did from Hawaii.

Failed.

I"m tired of failing at life so badly. Its horrible that the happiest I've been was living out of a duffel bag and sleeping on a couch. Now I live in an apartment with an explosively angry man and I'm miserable, surrounded by negativity and depression. All the nice stuff he does don't make up for how horrible he is when he starts screaming and cussing at me.

I"m so tired of being with losers all the time. Its easier to stay single then it is to try and date. I'm tired of being depressed, feeling defeated and trapped.