"happy" Thanksgiving

I've lived on a couch for over a year, literally using a duffle bag for my clothes for the past two or three years. I haven't had my own place since 2010, and haven't slept on a bed since I moved from Pearl Harbor. My sister calls me damaged goods, and thinks I'm incapable of taking care of myself, and I haven't really done much to prove her wrong the past few years.

How did my life spiral so far out of my control? I'm not even leaving Hawaii because I want to, but because I have to. The only thing I've managed to build here are my friendships with other people. Even then I don't really feel like I'm that important to them. I'm easily forgettable. A mere ghost that flickers in and out of lives, becoming merely a series of memories that fade with time.

I have to change this life pattern, but I don't know the first step to doing so. I want a career, not a series of dead end jobs. I'm tired of people asking me where I work and feeling that sense of shame and failure in my life.

I've thought very seriously about ending it. How I would do it and where. Just climb a hill and cast myself off a very high cliff. Give myself that sensation of skydiving before it ends. I've even stood on the edge and seriously considered jumping off. But that's the coward's way out. Although it does take a lot of conviction and dedication to do it. Maybe I'm just not that motivated. At the end of the day I keep holding on because I do want to live.

I just don't know what I'm going to do with this life. Why is it that every year around this time I always feel so isolated and lonely? Always outside the circle looking in. I never feel like I belong anywhere.